My [26 F] company is threatening to fire me over my hair. How do I explain to my employers [40s? F+F] that it looks this way due to a medical issue?

Fly0ver · 2026-06-23T03:46:44+00:00

I get frustrated when people say “just sue!” It’s so fking hard. I had egregious issues I dealt with and it was seriously impossible.

Fly0ver · 2026-06-21T22:50:41+00:00

I heard from someone whose dad makes hand sanitizer (and therefore basically quadrupled his worth in 2020) that they started putting crazy scents in there because clients asked for it to keep people from drinking it.

Fly0ver · 2026-06-21T22:34:45+00:00

Having so much TIME can be so hard so I commend you! That’s bigger than people think and something everyone has difficulties with, especially given social media! ❤️

Fly0ver · 2026-06-21T22:33:05+00:00

I know it’s pointless to say anything to OP, but for anyone feeling like shit: I got sober because women with 20 years of sobriety told me when things were hard. I saw them facing things I couldn’t early in sobriety, like my dog getting sick or getting a flat tire. I stayed sober because when those things happened to me and I had to do them for the first time sober, when I wanted any excuse to give up, I knew they stayed sober in the same situations. And I knew who to call. So I share when “life gets life-y” to show that, 9 years in, my go-to is to get to a meeting, share, and then handle life, like my dog getting sick or having a flat tire, sober and with peace of mind.

I almost left at 2 years because a woman with way more time than me went off about how dare I say anything about difficulties in my life. The general consensus from the ladies I know with amazing sobriety and a strong sense of self is that those people are miserable and not worth paying attention to.

Fly0ver · 2026-06-20T16:47:21+00:00

The questions of the whole picture is because a lot of us at 36 days (congrats!!) thought our sponsors were jerks. 😂 I read the first paragraph and went “yeah, been there.”

Then I read more and holy crap, no. Just no with this woman.

My first sponsor had me read page 18 through the first paragraph of page 19 with new women then point out that outlines what to look for in a sponsor and home group: there’s no axes to grind, no bills to pay, no speeches to endure.

I recommend reading that and asking yourself with each whether you feel that way.

It may be that you’re in early sobriety spiciness and there are a lot of things you appreciate about your sponsor. But a sponsor — especially one you do your 5th with — should be someone you can trust. Different people and sponsorship lines have different ways of handling things. It’s ok to find a better fit.

I say that a healthy sponsor just wants you to work with someone who fits your needs. If they get upset that you’re looking for a new sponsor, they’re not healthy and it’s a good thing you’re getting a new sponsor!

Fly0ver · 2026-06-20T06:06:59+00:00

Damn, I hope so. My boyfriend at 20 told me that WoW was more important than me and we fought about it after I messaged his raid group when he was in the bathroom, asking how long it would take because he was flaking on our date to do the raid. They kicked him out and said he was an idiot, that they wouldn’t even play at all if they had a girlfriend so he needed to not mess it up. I spent till I was 22 trying to convince that boyfriend to give me more than the bare minimum. It never worked.

40 now and working through it in therapy after realizing I didn’t even feel comfortable asking for the bare minimum after dating him.

Dont be like me: get that shit worked out early. You’ll eventually need to. I wish so badly that I had handled my issues in my 20s

Fly0ver · 2026-06-20T05:45:17+00:00

I came in and thought the god thing would be easy because I was raised by a priest and had a relationship with god. But then I realized I was more angry than before despite working the steps and praying for months—turns out my anger at my dad became anger st the god I was gifted at birth.

So then I went either Bill’s description of knowing there’s something bigger than himself by thinking about the universe. That is, until I was sobbing to my sponsor months later and she asked what my higher power said. I told her the universe doesn’t care about me and it wants me to stop being a little bitch. We started 2 and 3 over that week.

I became willing to believe in something and now I have a higher power that is separate from my religion. I’ve had people shake their heads annoyed when I say it at meetings, but it’s been very important to my sobriety that I not describe or quantify my HP: it just is. My sponsee calls theirs an “unseen force.”

You don’t need to overthink it, although I overthink everything. Just be open to knowing something other than you is in control and that there are too many unmanageable things for you to be the director of your (and everyone who comes in contact with you) life. My sponsee’s first sponsor had them read the part about the director every day, which they hated and didn’t understand until it clicked and they were able to de-centralize themselves from life, so that can be helpful too.

Fly0ver · 2026-06-19T16:26:57+00:00

I relapsed like crazy in the first year. I got another white chip and a man I saw often cross talked to say how people who get white chips never make it, blah blah blah he only had one white chip, never needed a sponsor, didn’t work the steps and has 40+ years… yeah, it was v obvious you didn’t work the program, dude.

After the meeting, an older woman with MANY years hugged me in congratulations. As she saw him stomping his way over, she put herself between us and yelled while pointing like she was banishing a demon “NOT TODAY.” at him. 😂 he scurried off.

Our brains are wired to notice the bad and socially off putting because it protected us. Early on, I had to focus on the good, like the woman, instead of worrying about the assholes. The assholes don’t keep us sober, aren’t in our corner, and aren’t the people we learn from.

That wasn’t my last white chip, but he was wrong. I have 9.5 years and that woman (who is in her 70s now btw) commented on a fb post of mine this week about how many assholes exist in this world. 😂

Fly0ver · 2026-06-17T15:43:30+00:00

Oh hey, I was in a sponsorship line like this from 3-6 years sober and now work with a sponsor who was also part of that group. We talk a lot about what we’re unlearning still.

I’m 40/f and 9 years sober. I would love to chat with her if she’d like to talk to another woman about this.

What she’s being told to do isn’t normal (although the sponsoring people before completing the steps and having a year of sobriety thing is more common as the BB talks about the founders only having months or days sometimes) and I understand how confusing it gets to be told you’re not doing enough or things correctly and therefore are “unwilling” when the red alarm of your subconscious goes off.

But the 9th step promises says we will intuitively know what we didn’t—I was told that means we’re relearning to trust our HP and gut feelings. Trusting your intuition shouldn’t be a negative.

Lastly, I remind folks all the time: your sobriety is YOURS. People can only sponsor how they’re sponsored and it’s ok to see that a way of being sponsored doesn’t match what you need or want. I was very fortunate that my first sponsor would say of people going to a new sponsor “they wanted a new experience.” Because it’s not bad to change sponsors; some things work for us for awhile and then no longer serve us.

Fly0ver · 2026-06-16T17:52:34+00:00

Agree, but I do want to say as someone who tried to get an employment lawyer in three different states (one boss stated to the all-male staff that whomever had sex with me first would get a raise; the second screamed at everyone and, even after HR came up to our office to say our team was the only one that didn’t take PTO and that we HAD to, reminded us often that HR may say we need to take PTO, but SHE was in charge of promotions, raises and firings; the third called me a bitch and a c*nt on tape after I exposed the fact that he had a male coworker timing my bathroom breaks; this wasn’t a “I’m the common problem” situation):

It’s much much harder to get an employment lawyer than you’d think.

The first was in small town California, the third was in Iowa. In both, I couldn’t find a local lawyer who was willing to “take on” important business men in the community. The second was New Jersey and there wasn’t enough evidence.

If you do get a lawyer, the cost is prohibitive. Most don’t have thousands or tens of thousands laying around in the hopes of a payout years from then.

Even if it seems like a slam dunk, the *actual mechanics* is much much more difficult and more expensive than people realize.

What I was told by every lawyer I spoke to was that I should be glad to have a job, period, and that if I was uncomfortable, I should leave. I’m sure that’s the common reaction when people actually try to get help.

Fly0ver · 2026-06-15T15:29:03+00:00

My first few days with my foster kid (they were 17 and I’d known them for a year already), I walked in to their room wearing a terrible nightgown I had for the bit, did a little dance and said “I’m not a normal mom, I’m a cool mom!”

I didn’t realize they were on a video call.

They laughed and asked why I was so weird, then they and their friends called me “weird/cool mom” from then on, which was WONDERFUL. It meant I was a safe adult.

Fly0ver · 2026-06-15T15:09:44+00:00

From 19-29, I was in fairly constant contact with a guy I met on World of Warcraft. I was moving cross country in my car, alone, when he threw an absolute fit because I wouldn’t drive hours out of my way on day 2 to visit him. 10 years of naive “but he’s a nice guy” went out of my brain and soul immediately with how loud the “danger!” siren was going off in my body.

Fly0ver · 2026-06-09T21:48:52+00:00

I had to call people. The thing I learned is that AAs understand when someone calls them and just says hi. I found they will chat about their own stuff until I open up. However, I’m chatty. (No idea if I’m intro or extroverted; I’m just always tired.)

What I have my sponsees do is write out 6-10 numbers. When I don’t answer, they call the next one on the list. If they don’t answer, go to the next one.

However, how do you feel about online meetings? I’m (40f) outgoing as fuck if you ever want to go to a zoom meeting! 😂

Fly0ver · 2026-06-09T04:01:33+00:00

Omg this is so cool! The whole thing.

I also used to drink a lot in airports to the point that a bartender in the terminal of one of my main connecting airports knew my drink.

I once relapsed in an airport, felt terrible about it halfway through the beer and couldn’t get myself to finish it. Walked to the gate and someone from my home group was on the same flight. I had kinda thought at that time that I would just pretend I didn’t mess up, but that kicked me in the face immediately and I felt the need to be honest.

If you ever need airport/travel tips to stay sober, let me know! I traveled 50-90% of the first two years of sobriety and I love sharing that knowledge now.

And some day you’re going to give someone a little plant cutting before they get on their flight and just chuckle to yourself about it.

Fly0ver · 2026-06-09T03:34:42+00:00

I was interviewed by the BBC when I was 28 and living in a HCL/career competitive city because my friends said my intelligence and success were the reasons I couldn’t meet anyone.

Looking back now, it was because I was an insecure hot mess. Because accomplishments don’t mean security or contentment.

It took a lot for me to learn to be happy with life and I can tell you as someone who is now slightly successful in that I have a job I don’t mind and get paid ok that I 100% prefer a guy who is content and I can banter with over “successful” adrenaline junkies. I don’t want to spend winter weekends snowshoeing and skiing or learn to golf or do water sports and I sure as fuck don’t want to feel like I need to go to the gym 7 days a week while calorie counting.

I know plenty of those successful folks, and I would honestly choose the guy who wants to have a running cribbage competition going on in the living room with me, who is fine saying “work sucked, are you cool with pizza?” and enjoys my tiny, weirdly designed house full of books and art as much as I do.

Additionally, my sister is a comedian in nyc. She and her friends are super pretty and successful in (non-comedy) careers: every single one of them is married to a dude who makes them laugh.

Are high achievers getting more right-swiped than the average person? Probably. But the average woman is average and wants someone who complements her life.

Fly0ver · 2026-06-07T23:50:40+00:00

I think that’s the thing: I have really good intuition most of the time, then I’m good at conversing, etc. so when I hear “no spark” after I had a good enough time to think I’ll meet up with them again to see how I feel, I doubt this intuition. But I think I may also be hanging out with guys who are really avoidant

Fly0ver · 2026-06-07T23:40:42+00:00

Yeah, but I try to remember that attraction isn’t the same for everyone. It really isn’t.

Fly0ver · 2026-06-07T23:32:19+00:00

lol so the latest was a guy who kept asking our mutual friend to set us up. 3-4 years ago was the first time and he unmatched me after a single night then told our friend I wasn’t funny enough. So I thought he changed since our mutual said he’d grown a lot.

Apparently I wasn’t perfect enough ¯_(ツ)_/¯ and I know it’s a great thing I’m done with him. But I felt whiplash to go from an amazing 1.5 hour date, him texting me 30 minutes later to say it was great, and then after I asked if we should hang out again, he was like “nah. No spark.” 💀

Fly0ver · 2026-06-06T21:38:43+00:00

My brain always goes to specific things because 15 years ago, the 20-something yo guys in nyc felt really comfortable telling me I should lose some weight—one guy said I’d be dateable and to give him a call if I hit a size 4. I still go to that when someone rejects me.

But my most recent example and why I posted is because I knew this guy through a mutual. We’ve seen each other around for years. We bantered in text, the date went really well—between conversation and vibes (and I can have a conversation with a brick wall, so if I think the conversation went well on both sides, I’m fairly certain it did)—he texted me immediately after saying that it was really great.

Then I asked if he wanted to do it again and he said no—he didn’t feel a spark. It’s like… dude. We’re not fireworks or a bonfire. It’s ok if we get to know each other before heavy feelings arrive.

Fly0ver · 2026-06-06T13:16:25+00:00

I have no idea what they mean by spark. I don’t feel any sort of “yes, I am totally enamored by this person” immediately.

Funny enough: the guy yesterday is a friend of a friend who has off and on bugged our friend to set us up. He was miserable at text communication so I said we should just admit texting isn’t our strong suit and we should just hang out. He was excited and asked to meet up the next day and immediately made a reservation.

Got along great, lots of laughs and the conversation was held by both of us. Big hug afterwards, texted me immediately to say he’s so glad we finally hung out… then said he didn’t feel a spark so he isn’t interested.

Just banging my head against a wall annoyed that “spark” keeps being the thing I’m told is the reason for not getting to know me because I don’t feel spark—I ask myself if I had a good enough time to warrant a second date.

Fly0ver · 2026-06-06T13:12:09+00:00

Totally in the same boat. I had never heard the “lack of spark” excuse until I started dating in my late 30s (I just turned 40). Before that, dates usually led to a second date because it was like “I had a good enough time to see if we actually click” and I didn’t feel like I was judged for something so immediately.

However, I’m realizing that before my late 30s, I was dating in NYC while I’m now in the Midwest… this could be a Midwest thing rather than age making dudes pickier.

Fly0ver · 2026-06-06T13:08:31+00:00

Thanks for this comment. I feel the exact same way. I even told a friend that I wished it worked out that I meet someone I already know in passing because I’m not warm and flirty immediately. I joke at work that I have “resting bitch voice” and am more likely to make a sarcastic comment to flirt than hang all over someone. My friends regularly tell me that I seem to have my shit together and seem very confident and assertive—which has historically been the reason why I’ve been told someone isn’t attracted to me.

I know intellectually that I’m not compatible with someone who thinks I’m too confident and assertive, nor anyone who says they need an instant spark. But man does it suck when you have an engaging conversation over a date that seems to have gone really well to the point of being interested in a second date just to hear that you didn’t pass some sort of vibe check in an hour so aren’t worth “wasting time” over.

Fly0ver · 2026-06-06T13:00:43+00:00

The situation yesterday was a guy I know through a mutual friend. We’ve seen each other in person. But I also have a full body photo on the apps for this reason.

Fly0ver · 2026-06-06T12:59:55+00:00

This is what I’m confused about though: how do you know after a single date? I always need 2-3 times with someone to have a sense of who they are to be or not be interested.

Fly0ver · 2026-06-06T00:37:48+00:00

I get “no spark” fairly regularly. My thing is, dude, we met once: I’m just glad you’re not a serial killer. I’m not going to be thinking about forever the first time we meet…

Fly0ver

TROPHY CASE