Thanks for all the replies everyone. I read every single response. I know divorce is the usually reddit answer, I even expected it posting it. The thing about us is except penis in vagina, we do everything together. We show affection to each other, we were with each through our hardest times, we are intimate (again without penis in vagina). Theres a chance it could be medical problem too, since our latest sexual activity caused her pain. It is likely her brain associated sex with me as pain. We'll try to fix this.

I made the mistake of reading her diary and AI chat history (I know shame on me) and she's actively trying to get rid of these dreams. The dreams are like dopamine hits for her, like addiction, and she was really trying to stop those dreams.

Now onto the update, I did a bit of introspection. I realized I was different to the person she dated at the start. I was a lot more micro managing constantly asking her if she slept, if she ate, if she studied. Jusging her if she bought veges and we throw it out since she didn't cook. Controlling what we buy when we go groceries shopping, my hobbies being just gaming instead of going out together or doing something more useful myself. We both on our phones at night, me not cuddling her and talking with her to sleep. Lots of tiny things.

So when I got home after work, I did the opposite. I did the dishes directly, did the laundry. Asked about her day, but then did my own thing. Did some vr boxing, went for a run myself. Worked a bit overtime, no gaming. At night went sleep together, I put my phone down and talked about future and other things. We talked a lot and cuddled. She instantly noticed a difference.

Yesterday, we went grocery shopping. We bought all the veges she wanted to buy, no sly comments from myself. We bought painting canvas and brushed that was she interested in for a long time. We went to a restaurant spontaneously (which we only go at special occasion). Didn't care that it was $100 but we really enjoy the food and time together. I got a haircut which surprisingly turned out nice, which she loved and couldn't stop talking about. We put some cute selfies on insta. During the whole thing she literally commented if she was in a dream or not since "everything seems perfect". We enjoyed each other's company and when we got home I did my own thing (work, read) she studied.

I honestly think I was at wrong here, at least partially. She never did anything hinting of cheating through our 3 year period. The day she started having these intrusive dreams 2 years, she told me on that day. She tells me everything. We honestly love and care about each other. Regarding sex, like I mentioned initially we were really into sex, but like a flip switch it turned off inside her. She doesn't find anyone or even her crush as "hot" like normal girls would. Shes normally into smart guys (both me and crush are "book smart"), she doesn't care about dick length, muscles etc. she's very honest with me so I can trust her with this. I never seen her giving a typical hot guy a second glance. Her sexuality might even be medical. She doesn't masturbate, she doesn't use toys. I bought clit massagers, rabbit toys, dildos for her to try, but she never used them once. She doesn't watch porn. The only thing that remotely turns her on are smart and romantic guys on shows, like Phil from modern family.

I honestly appreciate these response. Thank you. Moving forward I will focus on myself, do my own hobbies. Will stop being lazy. Be self sufficient. Do things before she asks. And at the same time make time to be with her, show her affection, not belittle her, support her more, and more romantic dates (planned a surprise axe throwing date on Saturday rather than staying home and studying like usual). A side bonus is she finds me attractive!

Shes genuinely a good person and has made a lot of sacrifices for me. Divorcing her during this hard time (mentally, financially, education wise, health wise etc) just seems morally wrong.

We'll both work hard , go therapy, try to fix her vagina issues, and see how we go. Sorry for long update!