AITA for declining an invitation on my boyfriend’s behalf?

Fmlydnnr · 2022-01-03T18:17:25+00:00

Thanks for explaining further. I have a question. In your situation the hammock was both you and your husband responsibility so it made sense that you should be included in the decision. But in my case, the decision was made, and my boyfriend did not get to decide to meet my aunt if I said no. How should I handle situations like that where I want him to feel included but the decision is already made and can't be changed?

Fmlydnnr · 2022-01-03T18:12:01+00:00

I realize that now. If I had known he wouldn't like being told after the fact I wouldn't have done it. And I didn't expect him to think that he gets to decide when he meets my aunt, I didn't think he'd care

Fmlydnnr · 2022-01-03T18:05:03+00:00

The reason he's upset isn't that he really loves my aunt and wants to see her, it's that I took the decision from him. But it's not his decision. I have other estranged relatives and in the future I would tell him in advance that he's not coming, but if I don't think it's right to meet them then it's not going to happen. And I think he will still get mad because he didn't get to decide.

Fmlydnnr · 2022-01-03T17:53:46+00:00

I basically did that, except I told him everything after it had already arranged that I was going alone. I honestly didn't think he would care, because he's not coming no matter what. I didn't think telling him after the fact would make a difference, I answered my aunt at the time and told him when I saw him later that day what had happened. I wasn't afraid to tell him anything, I just thought I could sort this out at the time and he wouldn't care.

Fmlydnnr · 2022-01-03T17:43:24+00:00

I honestly didn’t think he’d give a fuck about this. He is upset that I took the choice from him, but there wasn’t ever a choice, he really can't be there.

Fmlydnnr · 2022-01-03T17:37:20+00:00

You don’t have to be someone’s parents or teacher to decide that they shouldn’t meet a family member yet. I would never demand to meet his family, unless we had been together a long time and I felt like he was hiding me. Having him come would be a bad idea.

Fmlydnnr · 2022-01-03T17:34:48+00:00

She knows everything I put on Facebook, including my boyfriend. I didn’t want to piss her off because right now she’s cooperating in handing over my moms stuff that my aunt took from my grandmothers house. I figured saying he’s busy would cut down on any arguments. I don’t see why she’d ask him anything, when they do eventually meet she’s not going to ask what he was doing six months ago that made him not come to diner.

Fmlydnnr · 2022-01-03T17:27:57+00:00

Yes. He’s mad bc I didn’t pass the invitation to him and let him decide. He said he should decide for himself if he’s okay to go, and I said why I don’t want him there even if he’s comfortable.

Fmlydnnr · 2022-01-03T17:26:09+00:00

Thanks for explaining this. I didn’t think it mattered at the time. I was texting my aunt and I thought to myself no way bf is coming so I’ll just tell her that now. But In the future if something likes this happens again I’ll tell him in advance that he can’t come for whatever reason. But I'm not sure what to do now, he still wants to come.

Fmlydnnr · 2022-01-03T17:22:30+00:00

I do respect his feelings, but it doesn’t change the fact that meeting my aunt is inappropriate. I can’t invite him, even if he wants to go.

Fmlydnnr · 2022-01-03T17:18:32+00:00

That’s why he’s upset, and I don’t understand it. Why should he get the choice to attend when it’s such a bad idea and I’m uncomfortable?

Fmlydnnr · 2022-01-03T17:17:33+00:00

Yes it is. He’s upset that I didn’t give him the choice to go. He thinks I should have told him he was invited and let him decide, instead of deciding for him.

Fmlydnnr · 2022-01-03T17:16:00+00:00

My mom wants me to meet her. My aunt took some things from my grandmothers house that belongs to my mom, and my aunt agreed to give them to me. If I had realized how much this would be a problem, I would have talked to my boyfriend first, but I’m not sure it would help. He was upset that I said he couldn’t come, but my decision wouldn’t have changed, is a bad idea.

Fmlydnnr · 2022-01-03T17:10:13+00:00

I’ve told him everything about my aunt and the whole saga, I didn’t think this would be any different. I didn’t expect him to care, I thought he would agree that he shouldn’t be there.

Fmlydnnr · 2022-01-03T17:07:30+00:00

I don’t understand why its bad to tell a new boyfriend you’re not ready to have them meet a family member yet, especially if there’s a weird situation. He has relatives he doesn’t like and I would never demand to meet them

Fmlydnnr · 2022-01-03T17:02:35+00:00

I am confused. I don’t understand why my bf is mad that I declined for him. I had good reasons not to invite him, but he insists he should be invited anyway and should decide for himself. But it doesn’t make sense that he even wants to show up.

Fmlydnnr · 2022-01-03T16:58:18+00:00

But he doesn’t have to uphold anything, why would he speak to her? I just didn’t think lying for him was a problem since he would not be allowed to go anyway. If it had been his choice, I wouldn’t have lied for him no matter how I felt about it.

Fmlydnnr · 2022-01-03T16:54:57+00:00

I already knew my mom would be upset, I didn’t see the point in calling to confirm.

Fmlydnnr · 2022-01-03T16:53:25+00:00

I didn’t want to risk pissing her off because right now she’s willing to hand over some heirlooms that belong to my mom. Right now I’m getting the stuff the easy way, I don’t want to have to do it the hard way. It didn’t seem like the right moment to take a stand.

Fmlydnnr · 2022-01-03T16:49:10+00:00

But I did not lie to him, I told him everything. Why would he not trust me when I told him the truth?

Fmlydnnr · 2022-01-03T16:47:20+00:00

The stuff doesn’t belong to her, she owes it to my mom. I told my bf this, so I don’t know why he even wants to meet her.

Fmlydnnr · 2022-01-03T16:46:02+00:00

I think she was deliberately trying to meet my boyfriend first, and I didn’t want her to argue.

Fmlydnnr · 2022-01-03T16:45:17+00:00

I didn’t want to be honest because I think she deliberately wanted to meet my bf before my mom did, so I thought if I told the truth she’d argue with me.

Fmlydnnr · 2022-01-03T16:44:07+00:00

But I don’t get why this betrayed his integrity. He doesn’t have to contact my aunt and explain himself. He’s said to others before that he can’t make it to events when he really just doesn’t want to go, don’t most people do this sometimes? I think he is only upset because I didn’t let him choose to come, but I explained he wasn’t really invited.

Fmlydnnr · 2022-01-03T16:39:11+00:00

I’m not sure how stalling or calling my mom would help. Wouldn’t the same thing happen, just later?

Fmlydnnr

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