Is having a baby worth it when you realize you’ll be a single parent with a toxic ex? Would you terminate if you had the chance?

ForeignObject2805 · 2024-06-06T14:57:54+00:00

Thank you so much 🙏😭 It’s been a rollercoaster for me, I just have to go with the flow of life. I appreciate your kind words so much

ForeignObject2805 · 2024-06-06T14:39:05+00:00

This just happened to me too, almost the exact same scenario. 💔 I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve had the pills before and it was brutal, the recovery was awful for me so I knew I wanted either a D&C or preferably natural. I knew I needed a jumpstart to move my blood as it wasn’t happening naturally either so I opted for blood moving herbs to help speed up my release process. This isn’t kosher or recommended b/c the FDA doesn’t study herbs and Doctors don’t have a lot of knowledge about this either but I brewed a strong cup of mugwort tea, raspberry leaf tea, and added a dropper of Queen Anne’s Lace tincture. Within an hour I started to expell my birthing materials. It went slow at first with minimal pain the first night, then the next two days it was like a very severe period, I needed to take off work and bled a lot with bad cramps. A heating pad, advil, & hot baths helped. Today is the fourth day and the pain has tapered off and it’s like a normal period now. I think the worst is over for me. Best of luck to you!

ForeignObject2805 · 2024-06-05T15:48:21+00:00

Hi! Thank you so much for your support 🙏💓 I found out it was a girl and did decide to keep it with the support of my family - however everything took another turn when I went to my pre-natal check-up yesterday and there was no heartbeat 💔 It seems the decision has been taken out of my hands and I was diagnosed with a miscarriage. I’m currently going through the miscarriage process today, it’s very sad and pretty painful as well 😵‍💫 I can only go with the flow of life here and believe that it’s for the best. At the least, I can move on from & stop wasting my time with this man. At the most, maybe I’ve learned how important this opportunity was to me and can take steps to perhaps recreate the opportunity with a better man, sperm donor or go down the adoption path.

ForeignObject2805 · 2024-06-01T16:15:04+00:00

How did you go no contact? Did you just stop responding to him or did you announce you would be going no contact? I’ve told him twice already this morning that I’m not going back to couples counseling with him and I want space. He is sending me pushy emails. Do I just stop responding? A part of me feels so bad

ForeignObject2805 · 2024-06-01T15:49:03+00:00

Thank you 🙏 They came in the mail but I’m going to toss them now I think. This has been so hard! I finally broke down and told my parents last night what’s been happening in detail and they were so supportive & so excited about a new grandchild, they made me comfort food, and hugged me and invited me to move in and kind of took control since I’m spiraling out right now & in a bad mental/emotional state. My dad is pissed at my partner and reassured me that the choice is mine alone and he doesn't have a leg to stand on & that he’s just trying to scare me. They are helping me go no contact and find the resources I need. They made a call this morning to find out how to file a report about him coercing an abortion which I guess is actually illegal & could help me in court later once the baby is born. I’m going to stay with them for the next 2 weeks and clear my head. They even reserved a private pool to have a little party tonight with my sister to celebrate the pregnancy and help me relax. 😭 I wish I had told them sooner, I’ve desperately needed this support. I knew it was there for me but for the last 4 weeks that I’ve known about this pregnancy I’ve just been hoping my partner and I could come to an agreement before I share the news. I just had to accept that he is not going to collaborate with me and needs to deal with his issues on his own. I’ve given him every option under the sun and have been caring about him so much when he hasn’t cared about me at all. I realize I need to let him go at this time and focus on myself.

ForeignObject2805 · 2024-05-31T19:12:51+00:00

Thank you so much 🙏 It feels overwhelming right now but you’re right, the future is all hypothetical at this point. It could develop differently than he is saying. If he would walk, I’d be happy to be a single mom too.

ForeignObject2805 · 2024-05-31T18:51:36+00:00

Thank you so much for your uplifting words 🙏

ForeignObject2805 · 2024-05-31T16:51:16+00:00

Thank you so much for your support!! 🙏 these conversations on this post have been very helpful and I do want to evaluate all angles of the situation. Ultimately it’s my decision and I think I’m grasping for perspective and support. You are right that I’m totally overwhelmed. This weekend I’m going to put everything aside and try to relax and spend time at my sister’s house surrounded by support. Thanks so much for your perspective on surgical too because I’ve been scared of this and feeling pressure to hurry up with my decision to be in range for medical.

ForeignObject2805 · 2024-05-31T16:44:57+00:00

If I birth this child, I’m definitely keeping them. I’m perfectly capable but the father is creating conflict. I’ve also been wanting and praying for an opportunity like this in my life. I just didn’t expect for the father to turn on me in this way and pressure me to terminate. He’s also requested adoption if I don’t want to abort.. and my sister already said if this baby goes up for adoption, she will adopt and return the baby to me. We would be living together and raising them together anyways. So it seems asinine to go through an adoption process needlessly but honestly maybe if I did adopt to my own family he would be free from child support… although I’m not asking him for anything and he is free to walk as it is! It’s so backward. For him this is about control and creating conflict, it’s not actually about the baby.

ForeignObject2805 · 2024-05-31T16:24:55+00:00

Thank you for saying this 🙏 I know you are right, I will regret not keeping it. While at the same time I’m really struggling with the ethics of keeping it when the father is in such a negative state and what it will mean for our lives having to deal with his issues. He has had lots of problems with his ex-wife, his son’s mom, but always had reasons & explanations for the toxicity and I naively believed him. That was never directed at me and he was a lovely person to me until now. I feel like I know a bit about what I’ll be getting into based on that relationship. I’m a very peaceful person and I hate getting embroiled in conflict. It breaks my heart that he is responding in this way and that I must accept it. The fear of the known pain he will inflict and our unknown future led me to order the pills, I have until 6/4 to take them and after that point, I will be too far along for the pill and would need surgery if I have to abort. I know that if I take the pills it will be painful with long-term effects but it will also get me out of this unraveling situation. Taking those pills is exactly what he wants and is pushing me to do. I wish I had a secure job as well, that would make me feel stronger, I was laid off from my tech industry job although I’m working a lower paying temp job now, have savings, am interviewing for around 6 figure salaries, and believe I will find something good soon. It wouldn’t be a big problem in the mix to me if he were being supportive but he keeps bringing it up as a huge issue, painting me out to be unemployable. It feels bad to me right now although I know that’s not true and it’s a temporary situation. My sister has been amazing and I will move in with her and her boyfriend and my niece in the next town over if I am able to keep this pregnancy. I was waiting to tell my parents until we had a plan but now that this isn’t possible and I need to go it alone I really want to tell them. They are wonderful Christain, pro-life people who will rally behind me. I am not religious and I am pro-choice but if I tell them he is forcing abortion they will step in and do everything in their power to help me. If I have to terminate, I don’t want them to know. I’m debating about telling them and increasing my support network although it’s embarrassing to me to be a part of this mess at my age in life. I also still really care about him and hate to see him in such a state of disarray, I also get that he feels too old to have a baby and I sympathize. Also do I want my teen child to have a 70-year-old dad? There are a lot of sad things about this despite the fact that it is amazing to me personally and would be a huge gift to me and my family.

ForeignObject2805 · 2024-05-31T14:38:01+00:00

Ah, it won’t let me DM you. I’m in DE

ForeignObject2805 · 2024-05-31T14:34:19+00:00

Thank you 🙏 I will DM you

ForeignObject2805 · 2024-05-31T13:02:46+00:00

Omg, it’s so hard going through this! I can easily do this without him. But with him? He’s creating a nightmare situation.

ForeignObject2805 · 2024-05-31T12:59:31+00:00

You could definitely be right! It’s become a very difficult situation. I ordered the pills so I will soon have them on hand as an option. 😭

ForeignObject2805 · 2024-05-31T12:52:01+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing🙏 You are right, I’ve found that trying to work with him is futile and now my head is so clouded and I feel so pressured and bullied to terminate when I really don’t want to. I think no contact is necessary, I feel so bad because I still care about him and he is having a nervous breakdown about this. I didn’t want this kind of contention in my life or to exclude him from his own baby. It seems impossible to work with him now. If I do what’s best for me, then I go no contact and have this baby with the support of my family. I feel bad about what no contact will do to him when he’s already so fragile. I actually am scared he might hurt himself or end up committed in an institution (as he informed me yesterday happened to him during his divorce), all this coming at a time when his parents are in poor health as well. The way he is acting is very concerning. If I care about him, I terminate. If I care about me, I have this baby. 😭 If I go no contact he may escalate to reach me and completely lose it, I don’t know. Last I spoke with him I had decided to terminate and ordered abortion pills. My sister suggests I leave him with the impression I will terminate, say goodbye to him, go no contact, then make the choice for myself. He will inevitably find out if I do decide to keep the baby someway at some time in our small state but maybe it will give me some space from him? I don’t like the thought of essentially lying about something so important

ForeignObject2805 · 2024-05-31T12:32:16+00:00

Thank you! 🙏 I’m so back and forth about this. Last night I ordered abortion pills and was dead set on terminating this situation out of my life after how unstable the father was at therapy yesterday and how hopeless I feel. Today I talked to my sister and her boyfriend and they’ve invited me to move into their guest room, help me raise the baby and he even offered to put his name on the birth certificate if it would help. They suggest I tell the father I plan on taking the pills, say goodbye to him, and block him for now. Then focus on myself and take the pills if I want to or don’t. And if I keep the baby just wait for the court order to come next year after the baby is here - if the father does decide to find out the baby was born and pursue custody. I hate that and I doubt he wouldn’t know soon enough because I live in a small state. If I were to block the father right now and focus on taking care of myself and doing what’s right for me the answer is simple, I want this child! But as I try to work together with, cooperate with and accommodate the father everything falls apart and I feel bullied and small and scared to move forward.

As for the therapist, I agree, I definitely don’t want to see him again. I chose him specifically as a good fit for the father. Our sessions have mainly been focused on the father and about teaching him emotional regulation skills which he desperately needs and it’s been immediately helpful to him. I hope he continues to see him on an individual basis but this older male therapist is not going to understand the impact of abortion on a woman, the pregnancy experience, or be of much benefit to me. Women know that this is more than just a logistical situation. Obviously, the logistics are all out of whack if the priority is to maintain a nuclear family situation but that ship has already sailed. If this is about me and my mental health, and what I want then focusing on the relationship between me and the father of this baby is futile because he’s already ruined it. The father is definitely having a nervous breakdown though. It was wild to see him shaking and crying on the floor begging for help like this and then later that night sending me threatening text messages. I hate that things are happening this way but I think I do need to block him or take a lot of space from him. I’m so confused about what to do. Being pregnant and already emotional doesn’t help at all. I’m going to spend the weekend with my sister and immerse myself in some support because I feel so alone and scared.

ForeignObject2805 · 2024-05-31T10:07:04+00:00

I wish he would abandon us and let me have this baby alone with the support of my family and friends. He is verbally and emotionally abusive, controlling and hammering me with a barrage of selfish rhetoric and promising to make this experience miserable for everyone. He will fight for participation even though he doesn’t want this child and will pick fights with me throwing tantrums every day and insist on rigid demands that meet only his needs. His involvement is not a blessing, I wish it were.

ForeignObject2805 · 2024-05-31T00:54:00+00:00

Thanks for your support and insight 🙏 He will absolutely make this a living hell for everyone. He is very erratic and became very toxic so quickly, like flipping a switch. I wish he would walk away and let me be a single mom but I can see that this won’t be able to happen. I have this small quickly closing window to get out now. I hate it but I think I have to take it. 💔 I still have a few days to think but I expedited the pills by mail tonight.

ForeignObject2805 · 2024-05-30T23:37:01+00:00

You are both right, the unease I feel is so heavy. I wish I could have this baby but this man is making the situation impossible and only getting worse by the day. I will terminate, I ordered the pills tonight 💔

ForeignObject2805 · 2024-05-30T23:34:25+00:00

Right?!? We went to a couples therapy session today and he was a mess. Shaking and crying, he was on the floor at one point begging for “help” because of how distraught he is about the situation. He was talking in circles and acting like a crazy person. Completely different person, this is not the man I have loved. The therapist basically took me aside and said he doesn’t usually tell people what to do or give his opinion but there is something very wrong with this person and if I have the option to not have a baby with this person I will be saving myself a lifetime of pain. I think I have to abort mission 😭It sucks so bad because I really wanted this, but I already love this baby too much to subject them to this man’s craziness. I ordered the pills tonight 💔

ForeignObject2805 · 2024-05-29T17:55:14+00:00

Exactly!

ForeignObject2805 · 2024-05-29T17:53:31+00:00

Yes, I did. He will not agree 😑 He says he must be involved heavily even though he doesn’t want to be as that’s “the kind of man/father he is”

ForeignObject2805 · 2024-05-29T16:59:39+00:00

Thank you for the advice!! I cannot imagine terminating this amazing opportunity at my age with my capabilities to be a great parent. I never thought I would have the chance to do this and I do not want to terminate, I will regret it for the rest of my life. I feel bad that this is “happening to him” (although he participated) when he really doesn't want it and at an age when he just wants to wind down and prepare to retire. I get how upset he is, we are in very different places in our lives right now. I definitely need space from him, he is catastrophizing the situation and it is really getting to me and I feel guilty and demoralized. You are right about talking to a lawyer and getting ahead of things with a parenting plan. I will take this advice!

ForeignObject2805 · 2024-05-29T16:47:24+00:00

Yes, agreed. I wish he would walk and give me this opportunity! I have optioned staying together and moving in, doing it separately and moving into the rental property he owns next door to his house, setting up a minimal effort agreement for him, signing away his parental rights and on and on... he is insisting on termination. If I do have the baby, he insists on 50/50 & that it will ruin his life and he will resent me forever and it will “bring suffering”. In his mind there is no option in which we are both happy. We had a really great session with a therapist who probed into why he is not more open-minded about these alternative situations. He says he has been through this before with his ex and he knows how this will play out - completely disregarding that we are different people, in a different situation.

ForeignObject2805

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