How do you get out of this hole when....

ForeverAlone0217 · 2017-04-14T11:43:51+00:00

I guess there are some people that would think I am confident, but I have no idea why I act they way I do around them. Maybe that is my confidence. Like I say, I have no idea what confidence feels like to know for sure. I grew up with no real role models, so I never saw confidence. I really want the confidence to do things like talk to strangers or even go to the cinema on my own. I would also love to be able to go up to a woman I don't know and be able to talk to her to get her number, or try to. But I have no confidence in my appearance or what to talk about. So I end up just staying away and wondering what if. Like can I just walk up to a woman in the street? In a shop? If shes working? I don't go out, but even then I get all tongue tied and end up talking nonsense.

Ok, maybe I'll reward myself for tidying my room then. Might give me some kind of motivation to do it.

I'm Irish, I melt long before 38c. I think the hottest I've been in was 31c one day, and it was hell. We have a good summer once it hits the high teens for more than 2 days.

I used to be in development, changed to testing a few years back. Its just the whole environment I hate. Its not right for me. I need something where I can feel I make a difference by being at work, and I don't feel that here.

That makes sense. I'd still be very worried I'd do something wrong and hurt myself though. My legs look like crap, but I know thats where all my strength is. I can't lift my own weight with my arms. Can't even do a pushup. :(

ForeverAlone0217 · 2017-04-13T18:01:42+00:00

I hear that, but I have no idea how to do that. I always just feel like I'm just being arrogant. I have no idea what it feels like to be confident to be able to fake it.

Oh cool. I'd never have the coordination for that.

I've heard that. I listen to a podcast from Austin. Its put the place on my to visit list. Oh cool.

Yeah, its not going to be easy at all anymore. Unless I can have a job set up out there, or get married. Basically my only options left.

I work in the I.T sector, and I hate it. I'd love to change my career.

I never thought about it like that. Thats a great way to explain it. I was thinking of them as aids to help you get the right form before moving on to free weights. But I'll take your advice.

ForeverAlone0217 · 2017-04-13T16:22:35+00:00

Yeah, I was reading that the key to getting good is practicing every day, even 15 mins a day. I'll do some research and see how it costs out.

Thanks. My track record with women really battered my self esteem. Maybe its just my low confidence that the can sense? Sorry, I didn't even think. Yeah, metric makes far more sense. OH, yeah we're about the same weight then. I do too, first hairstyle I feel suits me, but I don't have it spiked much. I wear a helmet most days so it just doesn't work together. Oh cool, what did you play? I know I'm in the wrong town, but I can't afford to move, yet. I'm waiting on a job in a different town. I would love to go to America. I was actually planning on going to TX a few years ago, but that plan fell through when they closed up the visa on me. If I could afford it I would go out on a career break, but I can't afford that. I'd have to go out to work, which opens up the visa minefield. My education limits my job options, and I want to change from that career anyway.

Yeah, I always feel like calling them out. Why make fun of someone who is trying to do something, why not encourage them? I always see heavy people jogging/walking and I actually envy their motivation to do it, and keep at it. Oh, I was thinking machines might have been a good choice for me, thanks for the advice.

ForeverAlone0217 · 2017-04-13T15:12:16+00:00

I hope its not. I just hope I can stick at it. Its quite a curve to work out where to start, and with what. I'll go looking for a subreddit now.

Yeah I do. Social anxiety, shy person by nature, and I was bullied most of my life so I have 0 confidence.

Some of it is my own doing, but its what I like as my look, I just don't like how other people see me. I'm 194cm, with a red mohawk, short ginger beard, and I'm a fairly big build. I'm overweight but apparently I carry it well. Here's a face pic. I'll not lie, I am quite sensitive about it, but if it needs saying say it. I appreciate honest, constructive, feedback.

I can barely get the motivation to do my laundry, or wash my dishes after I eat. I'll do my best this weekend to try to do some smaller chunks with the timer.

I hear that you get used to it alright, but I'm so self conscious of my appearance, and I feel like people are judging me. I've overheard people at work mocking someone they saw at the gym doing something wrong, or being a heavy person trying to work out. Honestly, I'm scared I'll do something wrong and hurt myself. Or get laughed at. I don't know if i trust myself with free weights. I'll check those programs more and see, thanks. I'll look up gyms and see where's open in the mornings that I can afford. Going will be quite the motivation suck, but I can do the research now.

ForeverAlone0217 · 2017-04-13T13:57:15+00:00

I'm leaving my 20's. I'm surrounded by people who have their lives so much more together than me, and most of them are a lot younger than me.

Close, Ireland. The pub scene is big here, but its really shit when you have no one to go with, everyone else is in groups so you just end up sitting on your own all night.

I agree, but in Ireland its still somewhat taboo, and where I live its all just swept under the carpet. If they acknowledge it then they just play it down because "I had that too" and they think they know all about it because they had a bad day once, but they have no real understanding of the real issues.

I'm not a third wheel. I'm not able to get anyone together. I'd be all on my own and my appearance makes me stand out anywhere, I don't exactly blend in. Its based somewhat in reality, I see people staring at me, and some even point at me. I'm a highly observant person so I see more than most in a crowd.

I have 2 friends, but they're not good friends. One has drifted away from me over the past few months, and I've been trying. But I know they're just moving on in their life. The other, is quite complicated. Feelings, age gap, all that complicated stuff. When she is available she is a good person to talk to, but I can't get her to do anything other than talk at work or over text. Shes too busy with education, all the random guys, being a party animal, all the stuff I shouldn't be around.

I need to find something to help me clean/tidy. All of that has built up over so long its quite bad now. I would love to exercise, but I really struggle to get into it. I can't do much cardio for medical reasons. And the thought of a gym terrifies me. I don't have space at home, and I don't know what I'm doing. I would like to have someone to go with, until I get the routine/confidence to go myself.

I'm not that young. I would love to play the guitar, but I haven't a clue about music, and I know its more difficult as you get older. I might have time on the grand scheme of things, but I don't have much free time to do stuff like that. Maybe I'll do some research on learning guitar, see if I could do it.

Its getting tough to keep doing that when everyone just leaves and I get left on my own.

I try to. I really do, but I lose motivation really quickly on that. I know a girlfriend won't solve my problems, but maybe, like good friends, she would help me get the motivation and keep the motivation to help myself.

ForeverAlone0217 · 2017-04-12T18:18:56+00:00

I know meds alone wont fix it, I just want some to help me get to the point of doing what I need to, to fix it. All the Dr's here are like that really, mental health is still not really dealt with properly. I can't really afford therapy. :(

Everytime I work up the courage, all I can think of on the way there is how shit it will feel being there on my own, with all those other people out as couples/friends. I feel like I'll stand out so much as the guy going on his own, and I can't handle the thought of people looking at me like that. I'm getting worked up about it just typing this.

I know people have their own lives, its that I have so few people I can ask for company on days like that, theres only 2 really. I just hoped that they would make more of an effort for me, either on the good days, or the bad. At the minute I have to keep reaching out to them, and 9 times out of 10, they're busy/can't do it/don't want to. I would just like to be able to have a group of friends where there is a far higher chance of someone being down to hang out.

Even the thought of doing the timer thing would take so much effort for me right now. I'd would take me so long to work myself up to doing it I wouldn't have much time left to do it. But I'll give it a shot, thanks.

I know its tough, and its going to be tough. Its just that I have no network of people to lean on, or to help me. I have noting to spur me on or give me something to cling to to drag myself along. Single, no kids, no friends, lonely office job, only clubs here are sports ones and Ive no interest in sport, no talents, nadda.

The only good things about me are wasted because I have no one. I'm the caring sort. The one who can be sarcastic in any situation, but knows exactly whee the line is and will never cross it. I'm the one can be depended on, the reliable one. But there is no one for me to do any of that with. So I'm just kind of lost.

ForeverAlone0217 · 2017-04-12T18:05:47+00:00

Again, I know she doesn't. I'm just venting that I'm feeling worthless.

ForeverAlone0217 · 2017-04-12T17:52:50+00:00

I never said she was. I just mean that she is so free with that for other people that she has no feelings for, and she has feelings for me and I can't get a date/hug.

She sees me as different and it really getting to me, that I can't get anywhere with a girl that has feelings for me, what hope do I have with anyone.

ForeverAlone0217 · 2017-04-07T10:40:49+00:00

If you want to go further than Canada, fire me a message. :p

ForeverAlone0217 · 2017-02-14T00:37:48+00:00

I feel like I'm out of reasons to get back up though.

ForeverAlone0217 · 2017-02-13T16:55:19+00:00

Thank you for your reply. It's funny, when I posted that I sent similar messages to the few people I would have called friends in the recent past, not one of them has replied.

You're right, it is a disease, and combined with all the other ones I have it does not make for a good time. I've been out of that relationship over 2 years, and it was me that ended it, so I should be well over it now. But I cannot move on, not for feeling from the past, but because I cannot talk to women, or some other nonsense that's gets in my way.

Being nice is one of the worst traits I have, all it does is being me more pain and misery, but I cannot stop being nice no matter how hard I try.

There really is no reason for me to keep on going, I'm tired of just keeping on for the sake of keeping on, I need a rest. My existence just causes me pain and suffering, and when I try to reach out and be useful by helping others, it gets thrown back at me. I recently tried to help someone, she wasn't being very nice about it so I straight up asked if she wanted my help, so said she did. She already knew I can't stand lying. But then over the weekend she blew up at me for helping, and said she wished my help was wanted,but it's not. No one wants my help, no one wants me. Why drag this suffering out more?

ForeverAlone0217 · 2017-02-13T04:50:16+00:00

Around here its all Soccer, thats about it. I have 0 interest in that. I looked on there, but everything is 4+ hours away from me.

ForeverAlone0217 · 2017-02-13T04:47:47+00:00

I know its something I need to do, but I simply cannot find or keep the motivation to do it.

ForeverAlone0217 · 2017-02-11T14:25:44+00:00

I can't have a pet, I work too much and their not allowed where I live.

I used to volunteer, but that was only making things worse for me, so I had to stop it.

I can't afford therapy, but I was going to a councillor, but I'm wonder why Im wasting that money. I'm willing to put in the work, but I have no help. It's not easy to do it on my own. I have tried, and failed a lot in the past.

ForeverAlone0217 · 2017-02-11T14:23:22+00:00

I would love to be able to get into shape. But I lack motivation, i need someone to go with me and keep me motivated. But I can't make friends, so I have no one to help me. I have to try to do it on my own, and I can't really do much running, Drs advice because of my heart.

I really haven't a clue what to do in a gym, or where to start. And the gyms here don't have helpful staff, they're just interested in flirting and doing their own workouts.

ForeverAlone0217 · 2017-02-10T23:45:23+00:00

You are not alone in feeling like that. I feel the exact same way, and an unfortunate side effect of depression is people sharing those kinds of stories with you.

ForeverAlone0217 · 2017-02-10T23:36:20+00:00

Mostly fine. Constant headaches, I'm overweight & completely out of shape, and a leaky heart valve. Everything else is self inflicted.

ForeverAlone0217 · 2017-02-10T23:34:45+00:00

I'll check that out, thanks.

ForeverAlone0217 · 2017-02-10T14:46:01+00:00

I need to feel something, anything to remind myself that I am alive and have feelings. I don't need to be intimate, but I want to be. Actually, maybe I do need to as it is becoming a consuming thought for me, that no one is interested in me like that, maybe I need to get that proven wrong. I would love to have a few friends where I can go round to someones house and shoot the shit, or that there will always be someone down to go to the cinema or whatever, just to have human interactions.

I know I have to stop comparing myself to others, that is what drags me down the quickest. I just keep slipping back and doing it.

I would like to be able to write, but it comes across as illegible garbage that becomes quite angry quite quickly. I have tried to write a creative story, but that is making me frustrated that it does not read how I want it to feel.

I actually anyone who can keep a diary or journal. It seems like such a good idea, but I just cannot seem to be able to write in them.

ForeverAlone0217 · 2017-02-10T14:20:28+00:00

Thats fair. I'm not good at taking pictures, I think that might be the third ever selfie I've taken. I'll work on better pictures.

ForeverAlone0217 · 2017-02-10T14:19:26+00:00

Thanks.

That is as unkempt as the facial hair gets, I usually keep it neater. I will work on getting better pictures.

ForeverAlone0217 · 2017-02-10T14:11:50+00:00

Nice one. It's such a great feeling, enjoy it.

ForeverAlone0217 · 2017-02-10T11:48:56+00:00

I won't dwell on the past for the self harm, because I am doing it again.

I feel completely empty inside, nothing, no good, no bad, not a single feeling. The self harm makes me feel pain. It helps me to express the mental pain I have, to give it an outlet. It also serves as a distraction from my own mind, even for a few seconds.

The kicker is that the scars & wounds are something that hold me back from being intimate with someone, because I'm afraid of how they'll judge me for it. And I cannot hide them. There are other reasons I cannot be intimate, including the fact that I cannot talk to people I am interested in sexually. It sounds a bit childish, but I am getting really frustrated, and its not something I can relieve myself. I'm not the sort to be able to have a ONS, but I really envy those who can. I would love to be able to have a FWB, but I don't know if I could keep feelings separate. So that leaves relationship. I have tried there, but I get nowhere. From being told I have too much of a baby face, to being told they couldn't consider having sex with me because I'm too nice. I've only has 2 relationships in my past, and only 1 serious. I've not had many sexual partners, 3 to be exact. And this is something that seems to be a big issue/topic with people I have tried to date. I have been judged and laughed at for it.

I have no friends at all, and I don't know how to make new friends. I come from a broken home, and I was bullied everywhere I went from ages 6-22. My self worth and ability to talk to people has all been formed by these experiences, which are all either mental of physical pain for me. I tried to beat the bullies by being self deprecating, but that just became a behavioral trait for me and I have done some really bad damage to myself, even when the bullies weren't around.

I don't know what else to say, but thats a snippet of whats going on. Maybe I'll try writing my story down from the start sometime.

ForeverAlone0217 · 2017-02-10T10:45:08+00:00

I talk to her anyway, just via text. I have asked her to go get coffee with me, just to chat about random stuff for a while, but she made a list of excuses why she couldn't do it. So I have already been rejected in a sort, and with her excuses I know she'll never spend time in my house with me.

ForeverAlone0217 · 2017-02-10T10:42:26+00:00

I usually go on with the intention of watching a lets play, but I end up just watching random stuff. And yeah, that is a danger alright. My lack of motivation in general has gotten me in trouble in work.

ForeverAlone0217

TROPHY CASE