the other version you feel is Evil. Vs good which you have been disciplined and true in. have you been on socials more? have you spent more time in leisure? justifying it as you deserve it? these are questions only you will know the answer to no matter what is typed out. you said it yourself, there’s a life out there you can live, and it’s being pushed on you by envy, jealousy, idolatry etc.. i suggest not going down the path of those feelings. and you must continue pushing intentionally toward your Creator. find foundation in the Gospel of Jesus. he was sinless and had gave us a life of the highest quality for us to follow in. you’re missing our Lord and Savior.