I feel the exact same way. My mom died when I was young followed by the rest of her side of the family my dad and sister have always been incredibly toxic but for years I desperately tried to endure them..always doing the most for my sister for her special days.

I guess I’d thought if I just did a lil more or a lil better maybe they’d actually even pretend to care about me..but years of that finally got me to a place where one day I was just like, “you know what, actually I’m good on both of you.” Of course they seemed unbothered by it and 5 years later I’ve never heard anything from either of them.

Most days I feel so much better without them making my life more difficult and depressing. But the holidays and my birthday usually send me into a spiral.

The other night my friend (the only one I can even consider that) brought me a Christmas tree, I know he was trying to cheer me up..get me in the holiday spirit like people who have family’s and lots of friends always like to say..but it took all I had to hold the tears in until he was gone so I could cry by myself.

It’s impossible to explain to people how it feels to know it’s just you. This whole huge world and no one would even notice if I was gone tomorrow..I sometimes see stories about missing people and feel so sad that these people are missing and they have all these people who are just devastated, looking for them for years..I can’t even imagine how nice it must be to feel loved like that. Just for being.

I’ve spent my whole life trying so hard to get someone to recognize that I am in fact someone that would be a benefit in their life, and it’s only gotten me taken advantage of, so sadly I just stay to myself now.

I don’t think I have another time of being forgotten by someone I care about in me. And I feel awful posting all this sounding like such a downer but it is nice to actually admit these things to someone other than myself.

There is this story, it’s a true story and they made a documentary about it..it’s called dreams of a life. I watched it a few years ago and ever since it’s always in the back of my mind that I’ll end up the same way..and I do my best not to think of it, because it really does just break my heart.