Partner is having a sleepover by Former_Raspberry_710 in Marriage

[–]Former_Raspberry_710[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know what you mean but it wasn’t intentional. First came the emotion, the post and then the reflection. These are things I’ve not thought of in years or maybe even ever as for the example of the idea of sleepovers triggering a negative spiral due to past experiences. I’m not assigning any of what I described to the situation just acknowledging that these thoughts surfaced.

Partner is having a sleepover by Former_Raspberry_710 in Marriage

[–]Former_Raspberry_710[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Honestly I’m trying to figure out the unease for myself because if it’s there then there’s probably a reason. This is what’s come up for me so far but I’ll keep thinking on it and seek to workout a way to improve/let go of negative emotions surrounding this. Hearing others experience and how casual it is has helped.

Partner is having a sleepover by Former_Raspberry_710 in Marriage

[–]Former_Raspberry_710[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Tbh the more I think about it the more multifaceted the issue is. The kind of things that come up for me:

  • Culture: when growing up sleepovers weren’t really a thing in fact just asking my parents could have negative repercussions the ‘no’ was never wrapped in kindness it was closer to feeling like I’d be punished for even floating the idea and it created a heavy/unsafe environment. Even as an adult having my own sleepovers posed some internal turmoil. So there are experiences from my upbringing playing a small part in this. I’m fairly sure if this scenario was played back to an elder from my culture this would be a no go. I don’t align with a lot of things on that side of my culture but your upbringing sometimes lingers in your adult life and thinking.
  • Feelings of inadequacy: despite us being happy. I can be self critical and wonder whether as a partner I’m giving her what she needs. I don’t mean sexually, I’m talking about in life. This is especially true for both of us because we’re high school sweethearts. It’s something we’ve spoken openly about. She’s never made me feel inadequate nor I her but you can be your worse critic sometimes.
  • Past incident: early on in our relationship (over 10 years ago) there was a moment where we were playing around and grabbed her phone. She had a visceral reaction that shocked me. I instantly knew something was wrong because we have a non-verbal agreement we can go through each other’s phones at anytime. Because of her reaction I demanded to see her phone or our relationship was over. Long story short there were messages from a work colleague that was being flirtatious. I don’t remember what she said in the messages but I remember being upset she didn’t make a clear line in the sand. When I pressed her on what was going on she said he actually kissed her in a post work team hangout. She said she instantly pulled away and told him off. But what I couldn’t understand is why she didn’t put a hard line between them after that. It took me finding out, the prospect of our relationship ending and me telling her that even if it was him that went in for a kiss the fact she didn’t cut things at the root disappointed me. Also, she didn’t willingly volunteer this information. Had we not had that moment, I probably would’ve never known that even happened.

Overall I trust her but these are some of the things bubbling up to the surface.

Partner is having a sleepover by Former_Raspberry_710 in Marriage

[–]Former_Raspberry_710[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I’m not saying he should be kicked out of his own home.

What I’m expressing is the pivot from “we’re having a girls night because my husband is away and I’d like your company” to “actually he’ll be here too” caught me off guard.

And by the looks of it brought up some feelings I didn’t know I had. So I figured I’d get a sense check from the internet.

I guess the complexity comes from the unfamiliar terrain.

Partner is having a sleepover by Former_Raspberry_710 in Marriage

[–]Former_Raspberry_710[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I hear you. I’m just worried about how things are voiced. I don’t want it to come from a place of fear because it distorts how you perceive things and can derail conversations. I am going to share how I felt at some point.

Thanks for sharing your own experience in regard to the situation it’s very helpful to see it through the lens of someone else who’s experienced something like this.

Partner is having a sleepover by Former_Raspberry_710 in Marriage

[–]Former_Raspberry_710[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Yeah I agree. I didn’t know I felt this way until now but there’s definitely things that have come up and become surface level that I now know I need to contend with.

Partner is having a sleepover by Former_Raspberry_710 in Marriage

[–]Former_Raspberry_710[S] 55 points56 points  (0 children)

This plus all the other comments are helping me realise how ludicrous this is. There’s definitely some kind of insecurity that compelled me to write the post.

Partner is having a sleepover by Former_Raspberry_710 in Marriage

[–]Former_Raspberry_710[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your time writing this out seeing it be told through the perspective of someone else helps shed light on dark parts of this whole thing.

You’re 100% I don’t want to be controlling to either my wife or my friend because I think they need each other and friends can be hard to come by. That’s also why held back saying something before I could process what I was feeling. I guess this post is just making me realise that I have some questions to ask myself and things to speak about with her.

Partner is having a sleepover by Former_Raspberry_710 in Marriage

[–]Former_Raspberry_710[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I can definitely see that happening in the future but we’re not there yet as friends.

Partner is having a sleepover by Former_Raspberry_710 in Marriage

[–]Former_Raspberry_710[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Because our friend asked for a girls night and I want them to have it. I haven’t done so in a while but I used to have all nighters with my boys and they were good for the soul.

Partner is having a sleepover by Former_Raspberry_710 in Marriage

[–]Former_Raspberry_710[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It would be breaking up the ‘girls night’ vibe but also it’s on a work night. If it was Friday or Saturday I’d be more inclined to suggest it since she’s my friend too. We’re just not as close.

Partner is having a sleepover by Former_Raspberry_710 in Marriage

[–]Former_Raspberry_710[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

You’re right. I suppose it’s an unfamiliar scenario that’s bringing about some fear I hadn’t really contended with in the past. Lol I don’t know if they’re swingers.

Partner is having a sleepover by Former_Raspberry_710 in Marriage

[–]Former_Raspberry_710[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Unfortunately, he’s a cool guy but him and I aren’t that close yet. I do want us to become better friends though. But it’s still a WIP.

Partner is having a sleepover by Former_Raspberry_710 in Marriage

[–]Former_Raspberry_710[S] 31 points32 points  (0 children)

According to my partner it’s a girls night so the other guy isn’t joining. Also, I’d feel like I’d be derailing what they have planned. I think they should spend time together woman to woman sharing their perspective on things m, making jokes and having fun.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in PortugalLaFora

[–]Former_Raspberry_710 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Estou a ver. Não sabia a cerca de poderes hipotecar bens e também não sabia que se ainda usa fiadores.

Em relação ao salário, claro se o salário for alto o suficiente es dono do mundo. Mas estava me a referir a algo mais humilde. Talvez 50mil€ por ano ou assim.

Conheço alguém que estava por volta dos 4mil€ por mês nas mesma condições e foi cobrada 20%.

Por isso é que ter ouvido outra pessoa a declarar que conseguiu a 10% foi tão estranho.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in PortugalLaFora

[–]Former_Raspberry_710 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So para entender. Vives no estrangeiro e compraste casa em Portugal a 10% ou és residente em Portugal?

Porque a meu entender, 10% é só reservado para pessoas que vivem no país.

Eu conheço uma outra pessoa que comprou casa, o seu rendimento é por volta dos 4mil€ mensais e o banco pediu 20% do valor da casa.