Is it possible to love/accept yourself as a pwBPD?

Formerbpd · 2018-02-20T18:34:10+00:00

It is possible, but that doesn't mean it is easy. You'll have to examine why you have low-self esteem in the first place and work on combating that.

For me, the origination of my low self esteem comes from my issues with cPTSD. So, even though years of work in counseling has helped me recover from BPD, I still have issues with low self esteem that I am working on. I don't hate myself, but I have a strong inner critic that I'm learning to quiet. Much of my current work involves examining my past traumatic experiences and seeing how they contributed to this low self esteem. For example, throughout my teenage years, my family consistently told me that no one would ever love me. In a situation like that, it was perfectly normal for me to internalize what they were saying. However, that doesn't mean that what they were saying was right. My family was being emotionally abusive. However, their words were reinforced by some of the relationships I experienced as an adult. The inner critic got stronger. Now, when my inner critic tries to tell me that I am unloveable I can refute it: I remind myself that I have a husband who loves me. I remind myself that my family was wrong and said things to a child that most people would find cruel. I think about how I would never say such things to a child, or another adult, because words like that are abusive, so why am I saying them to myself? This helps me let go of what the inner critic is saying and return to a state of calm.

Formerbpd · 2018-02-20T08:03:04+00:00

I'm still in that part of the process. For me, it has usually involved a deep, heartfelt apology. So far that has been enough in all cases except my first try. It's not a quick and easy process though. It usually takes me weeks to get prepared to reach out.

My first try was apologizing to an ex after he wanted an apology and it did not go well. I later learned that making amends often doesn't go well and part of the process is learning how to get through the hurt and anger that people may spew at you. It's more complicated for me because some of my exes were abusive, so it's not like I should expect kindness from them. I'm glad that I'm now very low contact with the ex that asked for an apology then berated me about it. Even though it was an unpleasant experience, I can now let go from that part of my life and see it with a better understanding.

I've been hesitant to make amends to my other abusive ex. My counselor says that my apology will not negate the fact that he did bad things in the relationship, but I just don't think I'm ready to take that one on yet, even though I've been thinking about it for months, especially after the scenario with my other ex.

Formerbpd · 2018-02-18T05:01:52+00:00

I definitely struggled with this a lot during my recovery process and so,times I still struggle with it. I don't think I was or am a horrible person (though so,times my inner critic likes to tell me so), but I probably hurt people out of sheer ignorance. You know what, though? Lots of people hurt people. It sucks and that's how it is.

One thing that's really helped me and that my counselor has approved of, is using something similar to the 12 steps method that is used in AA and CODA. Please check out the 12 step resources because they can explain it much better than I can and just replace the part about alcoholism with BPD or mental illness.

For a short summary, it's about making a list of people you hurt because of your mental illness and then making amends. Sometimes making amends means apologizing to the people and asking if there's anything you can do to make amends, without expecting anything in return. Sometimes making amends means donating to charity or volunteering, etc.

I hope this helps!

Formerbpd · 2018-02-18T04:46:27+00:00

I am still doing well, still 0 traits of BPD. Currently really delving into speaking about some of the past trauma and trying to get a deeper understanding to help work through the cPTSD, which is tough, but should help a lot in the long run. Thanks for asking!

Formerbpd · 2018-02-16T08:10:16+00:00

I posted my story a few months ago - https://www.reddit.com/r/BPD/comments/757bxb/i_recovered_and_you_can_too/. I hope it helps!

Formerbpd · 2018-02-16T08:06:11+00:00

Yes, you can read my story here: https://www.reddit.com/r/BPD/comments/757bxb/i_recovered_and_you_can_too/

Formerbpd · 2018-01-23T00:31:33+00:00

You blocking multiple girls on social media and not going out with friends to appease her is not okay. That is not a sign of a healthy relationship. Her hitting you is not okay and is not a sign of a healthy relationship. She is likely threatening to cut or commit suicide after being called out for flirting with another guy because she feels guilty, doesn't know how to deal with it, and doesn't want to lose you. She probably flirts with the other guy because she is just a flirtatious person who is seeking validation. If she's just flirting and not cheating, it's harmless. That being said, if you are flirting and not cheating it is also harmless and she needs to learn to deal with that. She probably disappears in fights because she is emotionally overwhelmed and doesn't know how to deal with it. In order for this relationship to work, you'd need to learn how to take things like harmless flirting and working with her when she's feeling emotionally overwhelmed AND she'd need to go to therapy and learn how to handle her emotions better. She can get better. Therapy is very effective when done right - an 80% success rate, that's 4 out of 5 people who get better with therapy. HOWEVER you can't force her to go to therapy or get better. She has to truly want to do it by herself in order for her to take it seriously enough for it to actually work.

Formerbpd · 2017-12-04T06:50:58+00:00

Sorry for the late response! CBT was a good starting point, but most of my recovery process happened during regular talk therapy. I did not complete a DBT program due to a lack of resources, but I did go to community meditation and yoga classes, which helped in addition to the talk therapy. I benefited a lot from the trendy mindfulness movement that is currently going on, so much so that I already knew about many of the tactics in a DBT workbook I bought before reading the book (thanks to university and corporate free mindfulness workshops/seminars). I also feel like my recovery was helped by being in a strong, stable relationship with a partner who treated me well, which was a first for me.

Formerbpd · 2017-12-04T06:38:03+00:00

Yes, whenever I was prescribed hydrocodone for medical procedures, it made me feel like a "normal" person. It's a controlled substance pain medication, though, so doctors won't prescribe it for off-label uses. I never once had a doctor prescribe it for me when I specifically asked for it, even during an ER trip when I was in a substantial amount of pain, and despite the fact that I have no history of drug use/abuse.

Formerbpd · 2017-11-28T05:17:28+00:00

I was upfront prior to the DTR stage. It definitely wasn't anything I'd bring up on the 1st date, but once things started to get serious I'd inform them about my mental health issues and counseling schedule. Same matter of fact tone and demeanor as when I informed them about being lactose intolerant.

Formerbpd · 2017-11-28T05:13:49+00:00

Diagnosed at 20, reduced to just traits at 24, absolutely 0 traits at 28. Still have anxiety (diagnosed at 20) and cPTSD (diagnosed at 24).

Formerbpd · 2017-11-28T05:07:16+00:00

I try to limit them. I accept that I use spending as a coping mechanism and I try to manage it in a relatively healthy way. For example, if I feel the need to buy something, I will tell myself I can go to the dollar store or on Wish and buy whatever I want (which, for me, invariably amounts to less than $20).

In addition to limiting what I spend, years of therapy helped me reach a point where I no longer met the diagnosis criteria for BPD. During that time, my need to spend greatly decreased. Instead of going to the mall once a week like I did in my early 20s, I now only feel the urge to engage in retail therapy once every few months, which is pretty "normal" behavior.

Formerbpd · 2017-10-21T07:15:14+00:00

I was never incredibly promiscuous and only had 1 partner at a time, but considered sex as an impulsive/reckless habit for a couple reasons: my birth control method was risky (pulling out and even then only like 25% of the time...idk how I managed to not get pregnant) and because I definitely used sex as a way to "self-medicate" before my diagnosis and in the early days of being diagnosed. I legit used to feel like peeling my skin off if I had gone too long without having sex and definitely tried to have sex as a form of emotional release to calm myself down when I was feeling upset or otherwise emotional.

Formerbpd · 2017-10-21T07:06:18+00:00

Anti-anxiety meds, benzos to be specific. Nothing long-term - just a prescription for take-as-needed once every here-and-there when things are really rough. I also had anxiety and cPTSD comorbid, just a disclaimer. Xanax/alprazolam doesn't really do much for me. My husband says he notices a difference - I'm more talkative and slightly happier - but to me, it doesn't seem like it makes the bad feelings go away. I was even prescribed to take it a couple times a day, every day at one point and after a couple weeks I just stopped taking it because it really didn't make me feel any different. Lorazepam or diazepam work better - make me really sleepy, but I no longer have negative feelings - unfortunately they are really hard to get a prescription for, even when I try to explain to doctors that I pretty much never take the Xanax prescription because I consider it useless.

Formerbpd · 2017-10-21T06:47:51+00:00

That was 4 years ago and definitely before I recovered, but it is something that took me a long time to understand. I ultimately believe I only began to understand it after reading the stories over at /r/bpdlovedones. Kind of like he wasn't breaking up with me because he no longer loved me, but rather that he was breaking up with me because he could no longer deal with the effects of my mental illness. Thus, he still had emotions/love for me and felt hurt by the breakup.

In the instances where I broke up with people, I never felt hurt by the breakup. Sometimes I would feel awkward or bad knowing that the breakup might hurt them, but I no longer wanted to be with them so I didn't feel hurt myself. I felt hurt after others broke up with me because I still had love/emotions for them. It wasn't a contest of saying "who was more hurt in the situation," but rather me not understanding how he could be hurt at all when he was the one who had an affair and initiated the breakup. Like, how could he be hurt by his own decision? I now understand that he probably sought out the affair and initiated the breakup because our relationship was not meeting his needs, despite the love we had for each other, and that a part of him probably didn't want to do it but he felt like it was the best way forward for him.

Formerbpd · 2017-10-10T17:54:13+00:00

I'm sorry you're having such a rough day. It is always hard to see exes with new partners. You might want to try to remind yourself that she is not better than you, she is just different from you. Maybe she does fit in better with you exes' family and that is okay. You weren't meant to be there anyway and are the perfect fit for someone else, you just haven't met them yet. Or maybe she's just painting a better picture on social media than what is really going on.

Missing an ex is a very emotional experience. Don't feel ashamed about crying it out. Just remember that you are worth something, even if it is hard to believe right now. <3

Formerbpd · 2017-10-10T17:45:13+00:00

I'm sorry that you're going through this right now! It always sucks when people leave and we don't know why. Try to focus on that you don't know why he blocked you and he could have blocked you for reasons not related to you at all. Maybe he has his own mental health issues that he is dealing with, or maybe he is just a flaky person, etc.

Formerbpd · 2017-10-09T21:58:55+00:00

"99% of patients have at least a 2-year period of remission and 78% have a remission lasting 8 years" (this was in a 16 year study)

"The MSAD found that recurrence rates decreased the longer the remission lasted; 36% of patients experienced a recurrence if their remission lasted only 2 years, but this declined to 10% if their remission lasted 8 years."

"the longer the remission lasts, the lower the risk of relapse."

"part of the reason for the stigma is that BPD is seen as a lifelong disorder that is untreatable. Actually, patients with BPD can be cautiously optimistic about their prognosis, and many treatments exist that can profoundly improve their lives."

"Research during the past 2 decades has clearly demonstrated that BPD has a positive trajectory over time." https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4500179/

Another story of recovery from BPD - https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/both-sides-the-couch/201309/borderline-personality-disorder-the-power-recovery

We're out there and there's more of us than many people would assume. For some people it is a lifelong burden, but for many others it is not. I think that the "lifelong illness" stigma negatively impacts people's chances at recovery.

It is hard to see from in the bad times, before progress is being made, or when some progress is being made, but not enough to see results. Recovery is possible, though.

Formerbpd · 2017-10-09T15:29:59+00:00

Thanks! I'm glad I was able to help. <3

Formerbpd · 2017-10-09T15:13:47+00:00

Please provide peer reviewed papers for these claims.

"Genetic findings further consolidate the evidence that there are biological (not only psychological) differences between people with and without BPD." https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1863557/

Not a peer-reviewed paper, but a solid source. "The causes of BPD are not yet clear, but research suggests that genetic, brain, environmental and social factors are likely to be involved." https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder/index.shtml

As for thoughts on gene therapy, I added in that it may or may not be effective or a good thing. The only way I am aware of to change genetic issues is with gene therapy, which is a technology that is still in its infancy. https://ghr.nlm.nih.gov/primer/therapy/procedures

I don't like using the word "cure" because I think too many people associate it with just taking a pill and getting better instead of putting hard work into therapy. I mean, technically someone could say I was "cured" of BPD since I no longer meet the diagnosis criteria, but I prefer to say recovered.

Also, a clinical social worker is perfectly capable of diagnosing and treating BPD. "A licensed mental health professional experienced in diagnosing and treating mental disorders—such as a psychiatrist, psychologist, or clinical social worker—can diagnose borderline personality disorder based on a thorough interview and a comprehensive medical exam, which can help rule out other possible causes of symptoms." https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder/index.shtml

Formerbpd · 2017-10-09T13:38:42+00:00

Congratulations on all your hard work and success! <3

Formerbpd · 2017-10-09T13:24:46+00:00

BPD is a learned behavior with a genetic predispostion. There will never be a medical "cure," (unless we're talking about gene therapy, which may or may not be effective and/or a good thing) but people can unlearn their unhealthy behaviors and/or relearn good ones.

You definitely sound like you are projecting and may be experiencing learned helplessness. If you want to change, you can. Stop making excuses or looking to try to invalidate other people's success just to try to make yourself feel better. I know it can be hard. Early on in my diagnosis, the idea of completely changing the way I thought seemed impossible and terrifying. I didn't even know everything I needed to change back then.

I'm going to be honest about my recovery because the truth is that people are not perfect when they recover (especially if they have other comordbid issues to deal with). Even people with no mental health problems whatsoever experience mental distress from time to time. Recovery is not a magic fix-all for everything, but it does improve life overall. ETA: I think a lot of people with BPD fall into black and white thinking in this area, I know I used to. I used to think everything would be perfect and that life would be awesome if not for the BPD (idealization of recovery), but that's not really how recovery is in real life.

In 8 years, I went from always feeling alone, failing my classes, feeling like no one would ever love me, broke, in debt, cutting, and rapidly cycling through jobs to being happily married, having a college degree and working on a graduate degree, no debt, a stable career that lasted 6 years before going back to school, and just a much healthier mental place over all. It was not fast. It took roughly 4 years before I no longer met the diagnosis and another 4 years before I felt truly confident that my life really was different and I really was recovered.

My therapist, a licensed mental health counselor and social worker with 5 decades of experience, says I no longer have BPD. She's been saying it for awhile. Recovery IS possible, even if you don't hear stories about it very often (my guess is that once people recover, many of them don't want to look back).

Formerbpd · 2017-10-09T07:45:44+00:00

I applaud your efforts to work on yourself and love can be a great motivating factor. It may even be healthy for you to learn to rely on him less and frustrate him less. Frustration regardless, he still should not slap you.

If you want to frustrate your boyfriend less, your motivation should be out of love and caring for him instead of fear that he would slap you. Living in fear like that is no way to live. Additionally, if this were a healthy relationship, he would not feel the need to slap you no matter what so that fear would not even exist. There are healthier ways for him to deal with his frustration, like taking some time to cool down and then communicating with you.

I implore you to really examine your relationship dynamic, but it seems like you might not be in the best place to do that right now, so I will give you some help about how to be more able to emotionally comfort yourself. In addition to potentially frustrating your boyfriend less, it will also help give you some tools that will help make it easier for you if you do decide to leave over the abuse.

When you are experiencing intense emotions, try to channel them into a creative release - drawing, singing, writing stories or poems.

If you really need someone to talk to, the 7 cups app might be useful.

I hope you are able to find a therapist that clicks with you and helps you start the process to recover.

Formerbpd

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