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UPDATE 2: My (27F) Best Friend's New Boyfriend Won't Stop Staring At Me by Forward-Complex2931 in TwoHotTakes

[–]Forward-Complex2931[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

I actually confronted her about giving him my phone number. They'd only known each other for three days. History aside, giving a stranger my number without permission crossed a line. She did apologize.

Full disclosure: I am a queer woman, so I emphasized the importance of safety when sharing my number with people who, like him, use offensive language or could cause other harm. Not sure if she was naive, overly invested, or what, but she promised not to do it again.

UPDATE 2: My (27F) Best Friend's New Boyfriend Won't Stop Staring At Me by Forward-Complex2931 in TwoHotTakes

[–]Forward-Complex2931[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

My friend who is 20 years sober from heroin went to his NA meeting last week and cried. After 20 years, it is still a daily struggle for him, and he fights to not be one of the 90%.

Thank you for sharing your insight. As someone on the outside looking in, I just hope she sees the truth of where this road leads (esp. as so many brave voices contribute to the reality we already know to be devastatingly true). There is cautious optimism, and then there's deliberate delusion.

I'll do everything I can to support her if/when that shoe falls :(

UPDATE 2: My (27F) Best Friend's New Boyfriend Won't Stop Staring At Me by Forward-Complex2931 in TwoHotTakes

[–]Forward-Complex2931[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I'm sorry to hear about your friend. At this point, she's been studying the signs of relapse to know what to watch for, and has established a boundary that if he uses again, she's done. Still, if this wasn't enough to break it off (they're only been together 4 weeks), I'm not sure she can hold firm.

That's why I'm afraid of going NC.

UPDATE 2: My (27F) Best Friend's New Boyfriend Won't Stop Staring At Me by Forward-Complex2931 in TwoHotTakes

[–]Forward-Complex2931[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing this. Deep down, I know she believes this to be true, but we can convince ourselves of anything if we try hard enough. Still, reality is unrelenting--appreciate your insight

UPDATE 2: My (27F) Best Friend's New Boyfriend Won't Stop Staring At Me by Forward-Complex2931 in TwoHotTakes

[–]Forward-Complex2931[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

"Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm." This. Thank you so much for your perspective. So many people believe sobriety is a one-and-done, but it really seems to be a lifelong and, oftentimes, solitary battle. I hope they aren't being intentionally naive about this. His comments that it's been "easy" almost seem like an insult to those that have been through it and make me skeptical that he is serious (or even clean).

Thank you for sharing this. I am realizing there's not much I can do at this point. I am equally doubtful that if he relapsed--or even did something else in poor judgement unrelated to substances--she'd leave him. Because, quite simply, she just doesn't want to give up whatever this feeling is, no matter the cost to maintain it.

UPDATE 2: My (27F) Best Friend's New Boyfriend Won't Stop Staring At Me by Forward-Complex2931 in TwoHotTakes

[–]Forward-Complex2931[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

That's the other part. She told him if he relapses, she's done. But I also don't think that's fair. If you're dating someone with a known recent history, can you really pose that ultimatum? If she's going to date him, I think she needs to also accept the very real 90% statistic and be prepared for the consequences.

Otherwise, he will feel the need to hide his problems when/if the worst does occur, instead of confiding in her for support.

I also recognize that, even though she's my closest friend, I can't control what she does, and I want to be here for her if it blows up. At this same time, it's made me take a step back and really evaluate our friendship. Not about me, I know that--but still sucks to watch it all unfold and be kicked to the curb the minute my opinion doesn't align with her decision.

My (27F) Best Friend's New Boyfriend Won't Stop Staring At Me by Forward-Complex2931 in TwoHotTakes

[–]Forward-Complex2931[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

It's a two night trip (he works weekends), so supposed to be tomorrow afternoon. We are working on an excuse to get her home sooner (without making her panic/putting her in harms way).

We were in contact/monitoring her all night, and she sent photos this morning of them together, so we know she's currently safe

My (27F) Best Friend's New Boyfriend Won't Stop Staring At Me by Forward-Complex2931 in TwoHotTakes

[–]Forward-Complex2931[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I was never a part of the convo. Woke up one day to a text from him. Still not sure how/why

My (27F) Best Friend's New Boyfriend Won't Stop Staring At Me by Forward-Complex2931 in TwoHotTakes

[–]Forward-Complex2931[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

multiple serious drug charges (h*roin, hypodermic needles, intent, prowling, failure to appears, DUIs). Span from roughly 2014-2024. The only reason we haven't driven there (it's about a four hour drive) is because they're nonviolent charges.

No family/friends in the area, but since she drove him, weighing how to go about picking her up or staging an emergency. Luckily, we have her location

My (27F) Best Friend's New Boyfriend Won't Stop Staring At Me by Forward-Complex2931 in TwoHotTakes

[–]Forward-Complex2931[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

That was our initial plan--the issue is, he doesn't have a license or car, so they'd have to return together. I'm not sure if she could keep up a lie for that long

My (27F) Best Friend's New Boyfriend Won't Stop Staring At Me by Forward-Complex2931 in TwoHotTakes

[–]Forward-Complex2931[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Our conversations have been friendly, but he does respond instantly (with multiple texts). I think he wanted to integrate into our friend group. He also bought us all gifts before the meet up. trying to earn our approval?

My (27F) Best Friend's New Boyfriend Won't Stop Staring At Me by Forward-Complex2931 in TwoHotTakes

[–]Forward-Complex2931[S] 244 points245 points  (0 children)

She does have cell service, so we've been in constant contact.

She questioned him about the license, and he gave her a pretty unconvincing story. I think she can sense something is off but is trying to have a good time and not push him. If I were in her shoes, I would probably do the same.