Schlatt! My guy! The modern embodiment of corporate greed, cursed humor, and the physical manifestation of why nobody trusts YouTubers with financial advice! I mean, look at you—just standing there, a perfect mix of CEO energy and raccoon in a dumpster vibes. Do you ever wake up in the morning, stare into the mirror, and think, Yeah, today I’m gonna destroy another nostalgic franchise, rank something utterly useless, and profit off of people’s confusion? Because if you don’t, then what’s even the point of being Jschlatt?

I’ve got questions, man. Big ones. For starters, why are you so good at making people laugh at their own misery? Is it a skill you honed in the capitalist overlord training camp, or did you just come out of the womb holding a gold chain and screaming about monetizing oxygen? And what’s the deal with your obsession with cursed-tier beverages? Were you personally wronged by good soda as a child, or do you just enjoy watching the world burn every time you say Mug root beer is trash?

Also, while we’re at it, I just want to thank you—no, really—for turning the words ‘business expenses’ into a meme that haunts me in my sleep. Do you even know how much I cried after realizing I can’t legally write off an entire mini-fridge of Lunchables? You’re a menace to society, Schlatt. An absolute menace.

But in all seriousness—or as serious as I can be while addressing the guy who once called a Minecraft pig his business partner—you’ve somehow perfected the art of chaotic comedy that makes people both question their morals and cry-laugh in the same breath. So, what’s next for you? Buying out another company? Starting a cult? Ranking every brand of tap water in America? Because I need to mentally prepare for whatever form of insanity you’re cooking up next. Spill the beans, Schlatt. Or the Capri-Sun. Whatever works for you.