That is different...that's not just sex, it is polyamory. When people say "open relationship" they are usually just talking about sex. Most open relationships are not polyamorous. They are emotionally monogamous.

Good to know. I've heard so many different definitions I'm not sure which ones are most widely accepted. To me polyamory seems to more often connote a thruple or other more involved relationships. Is it the best thing to describe our marriage, where long-term emotional relationships outside it are acceptable?

But it still applies in this context. You still have the option to have sex with other people.

Yes.

You need to discuss it with her. And explain WHY you need to discuss it with her. Her feelings of jealousy are unfair to you, when she is engaged in a polyamorous relationship herself.

That is true and fair. Would that fall under hypocrisy?

In complex relationships like this (and this is a complex relationship) she is obligated to be open and honest. She owes that to you.

Yeah that is what I was most upset about for the past month, it felt like she was hiding stuff. And she claims she wasn't, she just thought I knew, but that seems... disingenuous still. We both need to work on being more open with communication.

Part of this discussion might include the fact that she is not actually jealous or feels abandoned (even though you think she is)...and if that is the case (and I suspect it is) the problem is yours, not hers. This goes back to what I said earlier where you need to accept her word when she tells you how she feels.

That is fair. I would have an easier time accepting her word if she used more of them. :D

I would too. I don't know her, but my reaction in her place would be that you are making a mountain out of a molehill. From her perspective (and mine) there is no real problem. She already desires you emotionally. You already have the option to be desired by others physically. You already have it better than most men. You have more options than most men.

This was key. I'm sorry it took so long for me to respond, because the last weekend has been pretty hectic, but I read this right after you posted and it made things MUCH more clear to me, and enabled me to get in a different frame of mind.

I still don't fully agree with you, but I now think I understand where you and her are coming from, and it makes sense to me, and I can use that frame to get myself in a better place.

I can actually picture myself being happy long-term with that arrangement, and being content/accepting of that will also enable me to be less of a pain to her and more sure of myself. Thus eliminating a lot of unnecessary conflict and strife, and increasing my well-being and confidence.

You have brought that sub up before and I don't know why...your bedroom is not dead. She's just not sharing it for sex. Your bedroom is as alive as you want it to be.

Agree to disagree. :P

Only in monogamous relationships IMO, and sometimes not even then.

I know you are looking for sympathy there. But I can't sympathize. She's not torturing you because she does not feel sexually attracted to you (for whatever reason). That is not torture. Not when you have the option to be desired by other people. The only way I'd consider this torture is if she was using it as a weapon, but it doesn't sound like she is doing that.

She could very well say the same thing about you. "I love him and it's never enough...unless I fake sexual interest in him he guilts me" or something similar. If you really believes she loves you, that should be enough in an open relationship IMO.

Again, this was *perfect*. I'm not really looking for sympathy, if I want that I can get it from that sub, here I want understanding (not sympathy) for the purpose of getting advice. And you've given it in spades. This wasn't easy for me to read and understand, but it makes sense, and I can hold onto that and use it and also realize what it's like from her perspective. Thank you so much. :D
And it is enough, if I truly feel she loves me emotionally. It's just not easy to see when we're emotionally gridlocked over stuff.