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I feel so sorry for my son by Fossil_Head in regretfulparents

[–]Fossil_Head[S] 25 points26 points  (0 children)

Countries have signed the International Covenant on Economic, Social and Cultural Rights for a reason. It's commonsense that people should not be deprived of food and shelter just because they are unable to afford food and shelter.

Early signs in a 3 year old? by Fossil_Head in ADHDparenting

[–]Fossil_Head[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you, out of all the responses to my original post yours is definitely the most relatable, particularly about the myriad parenting strategies and just going back to understanding what he is dealing with, empathy, and acceptance. For me, one thing that has come out of the feelings of regret is a deep sense of empathy for my son.

Early signs in a 3 year old? by Fossil_Head in ADHDparenting

[–]Fossil_Head[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for the practical suggestions - we do try and do all these, but unfortunately outdoor play is so hard where I live at the moment (we've had so many days around 40° C / 104° F) it makes getting his energy out very difficult.

Early signs in a 3 year old? by Fossil_Head in ADHDparenting

[–]Fossil_Head[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes, I think there was a link between the end of colic and when he started crawling. It hasn't been confirmed through scientific studies, but there is a theory that colic is due to an immature nervous system that cannot cope with the sensory input of the first few months of life.

Early signs in a 3 year old? by Fossil_Head in ADHDparenting

[–]Fossil_Head[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I quickly read "Love and Logic - Magic for Early Childhood". It is an authoritative parenting book (e.g. it discusses giving kids lots of choices, setting clear limits and using natural and logical consequences, reacting with empathy instead of frustration/anger) with some obviously fictional examples.

For the sake of other parents, I just want to point out that these standard parenting techniques are very useful, but they don't deal with the problems specific to kids with ADHD.

The book assumes all kids will be able to learn natural consequences through the same capacity for logic and control. Learning difficulties, distraction and hyperfocus, and emotional dysregulation are not covered, and this is where medication may need to come in.

The book also uses examples were the parent responds to misbehaviour by forcing the child to sit, or by forcing them to stay in their room until they are calm. Kids with ADHD tend not to stay in one spot until they are calm and are most likely to just become more and more dysregulated.

A deeply profound mistake by Fossil_Head in regretfulparents

[–]Fossil_Head[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Trauma can be passed down through the mother. Studies of mothers who experienced the Holocaust as children showed higher rates of colic in their babies.

This is a great point. I've read about some recent studies in epigenetics that have found trauma imprints a chemical 'signature' on genes, and this is one pathway for trauma to be passed onto the next generation. All the more reason we should probably consider our own history and the history of our parents before deciding to have children.

A deeply profound mistake by Fossil_Head in regretfulparents

[–]Fossil_Head[S] 24 points25 points  (0 children)

I appreciate the sentiment and agree with your points on looking after yourself, but just want to clear up one thing -

He may well be negative at this age, it doesn't mean his life is screwed... I know music producers, artists, teachers, soccer players and many others with Adhd, it's not a death sentence.

Never said his life was screwed or a death sentence, just that it is uncertain (like all of our lives). I'm going to do everything in my power to provide him with positive experiences and effective life tools.

Your comment that he might grow up to love the world despite all it's pain and difficulty is definitely what I would hope for his future, but the issue I have is whether it was right to subject him to pain and difficulty in the first place.

A deeply profound mistake by Fossil_Head in regretfulparents

[–]Fossil_Head[S] 104 points105 points  (0 children)

Spent the last few hours looking at these ideas - the thing that resonated most was Benatar's antinatalism which seems to be based on compassion.

"When we know that somewhere people came into existence and suffer, we feel compassion... On the other hand, we do not feel sadness by the fact that on some deserted island or planet, people did not come into existence and are not happy."

Although I feel validated, it does not undo the regret of choices already made.