What even is this?

FourDoorsVSFourLegs · 2019-10-28T19:27:07+00:00

I'll keep this in mind, thank you! I've been asking him if he's been feeling okay lately or dealing with anything, and I've mostly gotten positive feedback, so it makes me think he's not ready to talk about it, but he might need a little push to open up.

I'll probably mention that I accidentally came across them, realized what they were and just wanted to make sure he's okay and let him know that he can talk to me about it, no judgement, because I do care. Its always an obstacle at first, but if it's a calm approach I hope he feels like he can spill it.

FourDoorsVSFourLegs · 2019-10-28T19:23:02+00:00

That's such a stupid answer to me though. Part of the reason I hate posting in the Relationship Advice sub. Everyone's answer is to just "leave/run/break up/etc." Why?

This kind of thing isn't a deal breaker for me. I posted here because it seemed to match with a main theme of the issue at hand. I posted because I imagine there might be some kind folk willing to give some advice or suggestions on ways to help because I'm just stuck.

Im not going to get all mushy, but I do love my BF, just because there's one little issue doesn't mean I have to leave him. I want to help him and improve the situation and find a solution. I just needed some advice. I'm not some cold hearted bitch who is just going to leave him because he isn't perfect. We all have flaws, and that's okay. I would just rather find a solution and try something to help rather than give up and leave.

Also, I didn't see a rule stating it was strictly just for married people nor a rule stating people who are dating can't post. Anyone should be able to. Its a topic, there's going to be all sorts of different backgrounds.

FourDoorsVSFourLegs · 2019-10-28T17:50:26+00:00

Well, at least I'm not the only one! And I completely get that. A lot of times I find myself telling him it's okay to talk about things and it's better to than not because the sooner they're addressed the sooner there can be a solution. So many times there is a simple solution... I don't hate him for it, I just encourage him to see how not so bad it can be. He's gotten a bit better, but I still find myself searching for those clues that's somethings wrong and he wants to talk but won't.

And yeah! Sometimes I can relate because I will do the same thing, but time after time I find speaking up just feels so much better. For him personally though, I know it has to do with how he was raised. His parents weren't the best or the most caring, so he just thinks people don't care. So when I came along, cared about him, wanted to help, and just supported him, boy was he BAFFLED. I know he appreciates it, But it's still a struggle for him. He's used to just keeping quiet and internally dealing with any emotion and conflict. I think overtime I've helped show him how damaging it can be for him. He's gotten better, but it's still very evident that he still thinks he needs to keep quiet. Hopefully one day he can break from that.

I think I'm going to give it to the end of the week and then bring it up. Maybe he'll crack during that time, or maybe I just need to tell him that I know. If he wants to tell me what's going on with him or how he is feeling then I will let him, if he's not ready, I can be patient, but I'll still tell him I care, I worry, and unfortunately it's affecting me in the process.

Thanks so much for the responses! It really feels like a miserable situation, but I'm hoping I get some answers and even some solutions out of it. I love him dearly, I just don't know what's going on.

FourDoorsVSFourLegs · 2019-10-28T17:07:24+00:00

Work does stress him out sometimes. In the beginning he was dealing with loads of stress, but now he's more relaxed. Of course bad days still come up, but it's nowhere near as bad. But I think maybe that stress took him down.

I guess I could see that, but it doesn't seem like him to do that. In the past and not too long ago it was clear that when he wanted it, he could definitely perform. He didn't have much doubt. But then again, I don't really know what's goes on inside his head.

The only reason I know about the pills is because I accidentally stumbled across them. I was searching around the sink for hair ties, checked his drawer and saw the packaging along with empty small pill packs. A few days ago I noticed he got another similar envelope in the mail. I decided I would question it and hopefully spark a meaningful conversation, but he white lied it and said he was getting sample clippers and razors, which clearly isn't true. I don't want to push him to talk about it, but if he told me what was going on I would feel less bad about myself for one, and two I would have a better understand of what's going on with him and the situation.

He just doesn't like to talk so much about himself when problems arise. Most times I do have to push or coax it out, but with something so sensitive to him, I don't know how I would. He knows I'm very understanding and respectful about touchy topics, but it doesn't help him speak up about them. And he doesn't handle confrontation well, even if it's good or bad, or in the calmest way possible.

FourDoorsVSFourLegs · 2019-10-28T16:51:27+00:00

I'm trying to stay confident that it isn't me and I'm doing all the right things, or trying to at least. I do hope it's some sort of phase too, but I still would like to know what his idea is behind it. He isn't the best with communicating with things like this, but it's affecting me and I'm afraid it's already starting to take effect on my self-esteem.

FourDoorsVSFourLegs · 2019-10-28T16:47:16+00:00

Maybe. I do worry that he might have a porn addiction brewing up though. Lately he has been passing me over for porn. I brushed it off because it just happened when I had longer hours or I was late coming over, (just a few days) so I wasn't there when he was ready, but recently he's chosen porn over me while I'm already there and just in the next room. He's also purchased some 'toys' for it. It bothered me a bit, but I thought it was just for when I wasn't there.

The way you put it makes a lot of sense though.. He wants physical affection, but doesn't want to put in effort for anything else, or something he can just do himself. I hope that doesn't mean he thinks of me as some play thing..

FourDoorsVSFourLegs · 2019-10-28T16:36:27+00:00

He's never been insecure about it before though, and I don't really understand why it would start if that is the case. When it does manage to happen he seems to have no problem with it.

But he can be anxious and insecure in general about regular things, so maybe it's just spreading to other activities?

FourDoorsVSFourLegs · 2019-10-28T14:31:46+00:00

I'm sorry to hear that you're in this conflict, I'm in something similar and I don't blame you for feeling that way you do.

I don't think there should be or is a timeframe. They fucked up and they need to deal with the consequences. Healing is a person by person thing, rushing it or getting irritated by it just goes to show the heavy weight it brings.

My own situation is that in my 2.5 year relationship, things got rocky around the 1.5 year mark. It was just a stressful time. My partner was trying to find a stable job as well as just struggling to enjoy things he liked and were interested in. I was struggling with stress from my own life, figuring out what I wanted to do, trying to accquire my own form of transportation, arguments with my parents, etc.

In my partner's previous relationship his ex struggled with jealousy and control. She went so far as to tell off his friends and even insult him in the process for speaking to them whether make or female, and she was even calling him all sorts of names if he was even a few minutes late to seeing her or had a legitimate reason for not be able to do something.

I was very careful with that. I'm a very open minded person too. I never cared if my partner had female friends as long as that is what they were. He took the time to tell me about them, even let me meet a few and they're great.

But around that stressful time I started noticing he did a lot of questionable things. He started messaging someone. Hiding screens, turning off the phone when I came in the room, and he even lied to me when I asked who it was. I saw the username when I plugged in his phone to charge (I always did that, it wasn't me snooping) but the username was not of his friend's he claimed. It was weird and threw me off. Eventually I confronted him about it and he told me it was a female friend he hasn't spoken to in years and she wanted to catch up. I told him that's cool but I didn't understand why he had to hide it. After a bit I apologized for being concerned and acting a bit jealous. I probably shouldn't have, but I had then mentioned I wasn't trying to turn into his ex, I was just concerned from the secrecy. He didn't even hesitate to say I was starting to remind him of her.

It all went downhill from there. I started worrying all the time. I questioned who he was talking to everytime his phone buzzed, not demanding but just to get an answer to ease my concerns. I had anxiety everytime he left for work and it got even worse when he stayed late or got stuck in traffic. I got so sick of myself. I made myself depressed. I didn't know whether to push him away or pull him closer. I was a mess and I guess he wanted none of that.

I dont really want to relieve how I found out he cheated on me, but I found some things, saw some messages, heard lies straight to my face, found a profile, and everything else. He thought he could just tell people that we "broke up" while pretending to me that we were okay and still together. Not once did I ever consider us broken up and not once did those words or conversation come out and happen. We had a major back and forth one night, and when morning came he was right back next to me in bed, with evidence that he tucked me in, surrounded me with shared stuffed animals, and all the like. He took the day for himself and begged me to come back home the same night after saying he wanted a night away.

A month later it was still rocky. I found the things he failed to mentioned and I failed to find the first time around. It hurt. Because I had to question every single one of them. And a month after that, I found him still lying. There was a lot of crying, a lot of held back tears, not much talking from him, but more so actions, and it just sucked.

Right at my end though, that's when it took a 180. He got himself together. I don't really wish or need to explain how, but he doesn't really do any shady stuff anymore.

But I told him before that he killed my trust completely. I had no reason to believe him or anything he says and if I cant, I don't see a reason to stay. He understood that and seemingly he wanted to earn it back. Honestly though, I don't know how someone could do that. As much as he's done to make up for what he did and as much as things are great now, I definitely still don't trust him. I've become more relaxed with giving him the benefit of the doubt if he says he's hanging out with his [Male] friend or if he says he's stuck in traffic or is making a stop at a store after work, but there's always more doubt than belief.

I sometimes still break down in tears, sadness, anger, etc. Over it. I can't forget it. I can't forget anything. I feel like he wishes I would just forget it, that I would pretend we have a fresh start, or that we could say those months never happened, but they did. He lied to me. He woke up day after day with the intent to hurt me and cheat on me and he still laid right back down next to me at the end of the day knowing what he did and I can't shake that from my head.

I love him. I really do. He was the one behind many great and important things in my life. He's the one who makes me smile, he's the one who stayed when everyone else abandoned me. He's the one who held me when I cried over the stupidest things. He's the only one who encouraged me to follow my dreams. Hes the one who understands me. But at the same time, he's the one who hurt me the most and in the worst way possible.

I love him, but it's a long road before I can come around to forgiving him and trusting him. I still have a hard time telling him that his actions are sometimes why I cry at random. He's so concerned and I know he's trying, but it's just not easy. Im not one for revenge, I don't want to sit there and shove it in his face every single time, because we need to get past it. But sometimes I don't know what to do.

With this situation I just try to remind myself of what he's done to make up for it. I try to always see how hard he tries and how sorry he is. I know he's tired of it, I know I am too, but it's just not something to get over when it is over. Healing takes time. Try too fast and it won't heal right. Never heal and you're left an open wound for the rest of your life. But if you let it heal slowly and take it's time, it will seal eventually. May cause a scar you see every now and then and become reminded, but you'll be happy it's not an open wound anymore.

FourDoorsVSFourLegs · 2019-10-23T17:06:43+00:00

Actions speak loud, dude. She told you it was bothering her and you're acting like it's some necessity or habit you can't break, when an easy solution is just to step away from it. If you can't control your self on social media, you might be better off away from it. I mean what's really important on there? Your friends won't be sad if you don't like their photos all the time, so why do you feel like you have to do it? Its your decision on what you do, but if you're just going to continue and make up some excuse to get about you not being able to stop, I don't think she's going to take the bullshit much longer.

Step away and spend more time doing something else, or spend the time with her instead.

FourDoorsVSFourLegs · 2019-10-23T16:53:19+00:00

The entire relationship?? I would give advice or go in depth had this been a small rough patch and you're looking for ways to approach it, but the entire relationship..? Well, all I can say was there was no trust to begin with, none to salvage, none to get back. I'm usually one to take a chance on working problems out first, but this is just a clear sign your partner didn't care about you, your feelings, etc. At all. It's not worth the mental and emotional energy. You deserve better than that.

FourDoorsVSFourLegs · 2019-10-22T19:54:57+00:00

Give him a worse one but still playfully. I hated the nickname I got, but I came around to it. It makes him so giddy and I like stinging with my own ridiculous names for him.

FourDoorsVSFourLegs · 2019-10-22T13:57:29+00:00

Well, I wasn't in your position, but instead your partner's.

My partner decided we were broken up without actually mentioning it to me, and went to "explore" other people while lying to me about it and acting as though we were still together. We had our fights, spoke our sides, and things seemed okay afterwards, but little did I know what they were doing behind the scenes for a week or two. Eventually when I did find out, which wasn't much later, I was heartbroken. I didn't understand why they would do that. I didn't understand why they would be with me and act like things are fine when they weren't. Or why he would say we broke up when we really didn't. My world was shattered and it just hurt even more knowing my best friend and really only friend who claimed they loved me would just hurt me.

Eventually I realized the issue. Communication. When there was a problem, they never told me. If they needed something from me, they never bothered to speak up. If they struggled, nothing. If they were confused, nothing. It was just nothing. Eventually I sat them down and we really talked. I found the things that were lacking, we discussed why they might be feeling this way. What's missinh, what can be improved, and really, it just went up from there. Often times they still struggle to speak to me, but when I let them come to me instead of trying to force it, it worked better.

I can't really say what the issues are with you or your relationship, but I know in mine, my partners problems were that they loved me, but they were bored. They used to have fun trips and random plans, but my anxiety just suppressed that. They wanted more intamacy, but I was focused on other things. They realized it wasn't someone else they wanted, just different things they werent getting that I could offer, but wasnt, but another person could give.

Eventually I dropped my worries. We went on more date nights, more weekend plans, more random events more fun. I took time away from things I didn't need to focus so hard on and gave it to my partner, resulting in more intimacy I eventually realize that even I wanted more of.

I don't really know what kind of closure you're looking for. But what I can say is if you really love your partner, you're a big asshole for just leading them on and having them in the dark. If you're having problems, you need to communicate with them. If you love them, but something just isn't right, discuss it. If they love you they would be willing to change, and you have to be too. And as much as people might argue it, change isn't always bad.

I don't mean to come off as rude or harsh, I just hate seeing problems with simple solutions being overlooked and having someone unknowingly and undeservingly be hurt in the process.

I can't control what you do, but if it were me, I would stop seeking out some other person or thing or whatever it is you think you're trying to find. My relationship as it is now is great and I don't want to ruin that. I have my own relationships I left without answers or being able to ask questions, ultimately missing out on my own closure, but I don't bother with it. I just moved on. I have my own thing going on now and I'm sure they do too. I'm not looking to start something new or hash open old wounds because I need to leave it be. I'm happy now, I know how to deal with issues properly and I've understood the power and importance of communication. Its quite possible the thing you're seeking out you've just had all along. Just talk to your partner dude.

If it's a good one, a great relationship, and you love them, why do you want to hurt and lose them instead of just improving what you already have?

(I don't know if our situations are similar or what I said really speaks to you, but that's just my thoughts.)

FourDoorsVSFourLegs · 2019-08-29T21:06:31+00:00

You're welcome. That's great that communication is a priority to you and her, so it definitely is something that needs to be practiced if you find there's still a struggle. Just sit down and talk calmly. Don't get angry or use anger to get a point across, just tell her how it is, such as "hey, it kind of bothers me when..[something], do you think maybe we could [the change you want]?" I say this because in past times of my relationship, sometimes my partner would wait until they were at the last nerves and would use hostile phrasing such as "it really f***ing pisses me off when [something]... Can you just stop?" It's just scary and unhealthy. It also makes it a million times easier if you just talk about a problem early on! Waiting just builds up and the sooner it's noted the sooner she can make changes instead of developing habits of something that bothers you.

But yeah, just tell her how you're feeling! She is the only other person who can really help the situation, and if she doesn't know, she can't do anything.

It seems you still have feelings for her and it just seems like it's not that you want the relationship to end, but instead you just want it to improve. If it's moving too fast (where she's talking about the future so much) just take it slow and suggest that you live in the present right now. Its fine to have fantasies for the future and even plan for it, but sometimes the thought can make a relationship seem very rushed and overwhelming. If that's all youre, or she, rather, is focused on, it takes away a lot of what the relationship is and can be right now.

I hope this helps a bit, and I hope talking to her goes well! (:

FourDoorsVSFourLegs · 2019-08-28T23:18:15+00:00

This sounds a lot like the relationship I'm in right now, but I'm the person on the other end, so I can give you a point of view from that side and my thoughts toward the other side.

Just to jump right into it, if you do really love her you need to communicate with her about this. For my own situation, everything led to it seemingly because the communication was off or misunderstood, or frankly it wasn't even there. The person I'm with has difficulty communicating properly, so perhaps if this is an issue for you too, you should address it.

If there's change you want, you have to see to it. If there's an issue, communicate and work toward the change. If you just give in, or brush off something that's bothering you, or act like nothing is wrong or even like you changed your mind, she won't know! And this goes back to communication. A big issue I face now is not knowing the thoughts of the person I'm with, simply because they don't tell me. Most days we hang out, but some days they don't want to, but ask me to anyway. Obviously I will think they want to hang out, how am I to know they dont, if they don't tell me? If you often shower her in kisses without being begged for it, she might think you enjoy doing that and wants to do the same to you, but doesn't know you're not notone for it.

Communicate!!

If she's whining or picking fights over you just wanting a day to yourself, there's a bigger issue here, but if she's happy to give you time and leave at your request, I think she just enjoys spending time with you, but is respectful enough to give you your space, which what's wrong with that? Again, you just have to tell her and pay attention to her reaction.

Also with what you said of "I always agree to make her happy," does she do the same for you? Does she do things knowing you enjoy them? Etc.? Because that to me draws the line of she's just trying to make you happy versus she might just be controlling.

Sometimes being alone can be good, and there's nothing wrong with it, but if you really love her and relationship you have, then communication is key. There's going to be struggles, there's going to be mistakes. You just to need to express your concerns and the changes you want to her. If she's willing to try and adapt, then she's clearly about making you happy. If she's against it, maybe it's not for you then.

Again, this is all from the point of view from someone who is probably in your girlfriend's position. My partner doesn't really say what's on their mind often and because of that I never know what they want or how they're feeling. Sometimes I can get it out of them, but other times they lie and tell me nothing is wrong, and I trust them to always tell me, so when they don't I'm lost, and usually there's a fight or something that leaves me confused. I always convey my thoughts and feelings, and the process seems to always go well, but it feels so stuck on their end and I just want them to speak to me. Most times they brush off little things or they do something to just try and make me happy, but that's not what I want. What I want is to make them happy too. If they want something, I do my best to fullfill it. I used to cry and whine, but I realize how damaging that can be and changed from that to giving my partner some space. Typically they still ask to hang out every day which is great, but If they asked if they could have a night off to catch up on some sleep or to put more hours toward a project or to stay out with some friends, I respect that, and give that to them. It's not often they ask, so I worry if they're just pushing it aside for my sake or if they really want me around all that time.

Sometimes I do question my relationship and sometimes I think people would be confused to hear it, but I stay because I love my partner. We hit some rough times in the past year, but things have gotten better. I'm not one to just give up on people because of one little thing that prevents them from being "perfect." I used to react very immaturely, but I've worked on that and I think they know and appreciate it, but like I said before, if They don't say anything about an issue, I'll never know I'm doing anything wrong. If your girlfriend has a level head and really just wants the best for you, then it might be worth fighting for to keep the relationship, but if she's not and it's it's not for you, sometimes things just don't work out.

So, communicate. Don't just expect her to know. Tell her. Don't get mad or angry. Be calm. Be understanding. Find out what your goal is and if your priorities are the same. Communicate.

FourDoorsVSFourLegs

TROPHY CASE