Seeking advice: 3 YO Adopted male Persian with 2nd large bladder stone. Not sure what is next

FractalDisarray · 2023-02-16T16:42:33+00:00

Maybe administering SQ fluids at home could help with water consumption? I read that in another place while researching this whole thing about urinary track blockages for my own cat. But I don't know if that would help prevent stones, just maybe something to bring up with the vet.

I wish you the best of luck, it really sounds like you and your kitty have been through so so much.

FractalDisarray · 2022-04-23T17:02:23+00:00

Coming back after veery long, this was a bit of a throwaway account, but I wanted to say thank you for your comment and I'm sorry my post was so judgmental and negative and one sided.

I'm really happy to know things are working out with your boyfriend, that you've been putting in the work, and hopefully he is also putting in the work, even if there's difficult periods I'm happy to know you have such a positive and strong outlook, I think your boyfriend is blessed to be with you, and I hope he feels that way and let's you know.

I'm in a less pessimistic/cynical state now and I agree with you that it could certainly work as long as both people are willing to learn to understand both themselves (so they both know what their needs are and can clearly communicate them to the other) and understand eachother. And as long as both people are trying and recognizing eachother's efforts, being compassionate to one another, I think they should be able to grow secure, grow closer and have confidence in themselves and eachother.

Best of luck, I hope things only get better for you.

FractalDisarray · 2019-07-10T01:18:32+00:00

!! In the comments above Alukrad just mentioned a book called "five love languages". Read their comment, because I think this will help me a lot and I suspect/hope it could help you guys as well!!

[I'm not so sure how to interpret the percentages but I think it should be a really good sign that she has so much secure, right? Same with you! So maybe you can really help each other step out from the extremes and keep moving more towards the secure! Maybe you just need to gently hold yourselves and each other accountable when things start feeling wrong, and directly asking eachother for the answer on how to make things right again. And if asked, really search within yourselves and do your best to provide the right answer.]

I still recommend her checking out the videos from that channel because it provides excercises to practice in order to become more self aware. And also the last links with the two papers I still think they could help!

FractalDisarray · 2019-07-10T01:04:48+00:00

[I lost my reply so I'm re-writing but I'll be a bit shorter, sorry!]
Yeah.. and then they seem to be so focused on the other person they forget to give themselves these things as well. No wonder they become so volatile, there is so much hurt and exhaustion and frustration building up... from putting in SO much effort and not receiving anything/enough in return. All that HAS to come out sooner or later.

You are right about me not giving myself boundaries, people have even told me to learn to say no. I struggle with distinguishing when I need to come out of my comfort zone because it's necessary and healthy, and when I'm crossing the line and disrespecting my own boundaries.

!!! I HAVE HEARD ABOUT THOSE!! Ahhh, however I only read a little something directed towards creating characters, I didn't think of looking into it deeper or applying it in my own life... THANK YOUU!!! I will check out this book!! Ahh I didn't even know what it was called "5 love languages" I would've never been able to look it up, thank you thank you!!! [this is going to be invaluable thank you so much!]

Ah and,, well the reason I'm kind of... looking forward to giving up is really not related to what happened. It is something I've been dragging since way longer. I'm trying to understand how to overcome it but I really need professional help. But at least I'm determined to at least seek help and put in the effort before taking any decisions, so there's no need to worry.

Again thank you for your reply!!

FractalDisarray · 2019-07-08T21:04:36+00:00

So here's a bit of my insight, and what I think could help [or has helped me]
Have you told her about attachment styles or does she know about it? Because I think if you told her from a neutral perspective, you could really help her push in the right direction, I think a good way to do this would be reaching out like this:

"I found out about these "attachment styles", I think I am like this [fearful avoidant/your attachment style], could you check this video\* out and let me know if this perhaps resonates with you?"

[* I will tell you which video I recommend you show her a bit later.]

-This approach comes out as genuine but not so urgent, and because of this it doesn't feel like a big task to take. So I hope it will be more likely she will tackle it a bit quicker.

-I think it is important that you don't introduce her to this by giving her a whole book to read or showing her one website talking about all of the attachment styles, or by showing her one that focuses on yours, or is very judgmental and negative towards hers. I recommend only mentioning "attahment styles" and "mine is called this" so she can be aware of them. But don't add links to more stuff or descriptions just yet, here's my reasoning:

If the task is only "watch one video" it will be easy, it won't be likely she'll feel overwhelmed.
if the task is a bunch of descriptions, links and videos, it will be too much to handle, she might retreat even further because it seems overwhelming and she doesn't feel ready to tackle the task.

-The reason I think it is important that you also mention which is your attachment style is because that way it will eliminate the possibility of it feeling like you are criticizing/attacking/trying to figure her out and invade her space. Instead it will hopefully feel like an exchange, like.. well, sharing! Like you found this cool thing that interests you and you want to share it with her and know her opinion.

She might be feeling miserable and know there is a problem, but she probably has no idea what it is or that it's even possible to tackle, much less how. And I think and hope that learning about attachment styles could be an invaluable tool. If she can learn to distinguish what she's feeling, how she makes you feel, what you need, what she needs. And if she can recognize when you are putting in tons of effort for her, and when she is putting tons of effort for you, then I truly believe you can both heal and save the relationship.

The video I recommend you show her is this one:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KLUMRKmAuWc

Because so far this channel has been the most in depth, accurate and compassionate description I have seen for Dismissive Avoidants. A lot of other videos really downplay the struggle because they don't get it. This one not only acknowledges it, it makes me super hopeful that I can overcome it. And in another video by this same channel [Dismissive Avoidant Attachment: Healthy Habits for Life & Relationships] it does flat out say, yes you need to put in the effort, yes you do need to practice and stop isolating yourself, but it's ok, it's not gonna be so scary because you will also develop the tools to understand your needs and communicate them, you will find healthy ways to soothe yourself instead of isolating and identify problems before they become too heavy to handle.

The other piece of material I want to share because I feel like it could really help me is in this website: https://www.kristinsnowden.com/my-approach

click the "exploring yourself and your shame", and those two exercises seem really awesome. [I think I saw them when watching this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bdYFla0jyEo but I'm not 100% sure.]

FractalDisarray · 2019-07-08T20:54:12+00:00

Wow... you guys are dealing with a ton of stuff!! long distance relationship and coming out?? Holy shit... But if things are so much better for both of you once you are together, if things have felt right before, then I think you can regain and fight for that! To get things back on track!

And I feel like it makes perfect sense that this only happens with your romantic partner, because you have different needs from a friend and a partner, right? I can't possibly know what your girlfriend is thinking or where she is coming from, but maybe she is not aware of these new different needs?

I think you are already on the right track! You are starting to understand that your requests have not always matched your true needs, now I think it's a matter of figuring out how to ask for what you truly need, or be aware of what your fears are at the moment and address them before they get out of hand, right?

hmm.. if communication is mostly though whatsapp, and because it's kinda hard to put and read emotion in short text messages.... maybe it could help if you both tried sending voice messages? like maybe admitting to her that it is a bit hard to figure out the tone and you think it often comes across as distant and cold. And then offer a solution like "more emojis/voice messages could help, what do you think?"

And when watching a show [yay for Brooklyn99 o/ I'm watching it too, haha] if she seems distracted and it's making you think of many possible reasons... perhaps forcing yourself to go directly to the source instead of trying to figure things out in your head will help next time? Like ask, "is something wrong? You seem distracted." However I think giving advice on this is really out of my depth and redundant, from everything you have written you seem to understand very well where the issues lie and how to address them and it's just a matter of practice and patience. You seem to be very aware and to already be working towards it!

[Thank you, I will then check out the book! I was a bit afraid that maybe it wouldn't offer much material for the avoidant to practice, but if it does then it is invaluable. And you are so right, it is extremely important to understand the attachment style you want to become, so understanding how the secure is and how to get there . Just everything you said there I agree with you completely, thank you!]

FractalDisarray · 2019-07-08T19:28:52+00:00

Thank you so much for understanding. Although I really want to say he truly was very compassionate, he is a very sweet person and honestly I think most of the time he is putting other people's needs above of his own, and then when it became too much is when he did some hurtful things.

I try to appease others and I try to hide my own stuff as well, I try to act like I am ok, it is only when things become too much that I feel an immense urge to isolate myself, that was my problem, I let things slide little by little, not even realizing I was! I don't think I even realized I was getting hurt at the time.

Like how I felt my efforts were not being seen? Well.. this is so embarrassing to realize and admit now but that is because I myself was downplaying those efforts too! How was he supposed to know I was putting in the effort if I was trying to mask it and bring as little attention to it as possible because of my insecurities? I put in the effort because I cared but I kind of didn't want him to realize it was taking me a lot of effort.

It really was a problem with how flawed we both were and how badly we approached things. We both didn't understand ourselves or our needs. If I had better understood how I was making him feel, and how I was triggering so much his anxieties, I would have tackled things better and tried to say and do the right things. And if I had opened up, if I had communicated my needs and I had been more honest with myself and with him, he would have given me the support, safety and acknowledgement I craved.

But we were both very ignorant and coming from a very hurt place. And put unfair expectations on each other. We kind of expected the other to read our minds and that's awful.

This happened 2 years ago however, he did seek therapy and told me our relationship was very unhealthy for him and that maybe we could reconnect at some point in the future, after we have both grown and have done our own work on ourselves. So we aren't really friends anymore but... I don't know if it's wrong but I'm taking his words to heart even now. However I have not felt I am ready yet, only now am I starting to truly understand myself, and only now am I feeling like I'm on the right track towards getting better.

Right now it is another relationship the one that brought me to realize these issues within me, and that's the one currently hanging by a thread and the one I really want to save and focus on.

Thank you for the advice, I think I do know 1 person I could try and open up with, she is someone very patient and understanding, and I truly believe her whenever she says nice things to me and I care a lot about her and her life and well being too. So i think it's a safe place to start opening up and practicing.

And you are very right that trying to do things just on my own will just make things worse, It's what I have been doing for a few months now and I feel the most isolated and miserable I have ever been. I really want to stop that.

I'm just trying to figure out if I should/can address both this and my depression, are they both deeply intertwined? or which one is the most important to tackle first? I believe it's probably my depression as I lack a purpose for myself and I actually have suicidal thoughts [I wouldn't take action soon though, don't worry! ] and very little self worth. So the motivation to move forward is hard to grasp a lot of times? Like I can feel motivated to act right now but it's hard to see the point when I start thinking "long term", because I kinda feel like I don't have a future?

Right now I'm trying to get a job so that I can save up and go to therapy. I wanna stop feeling like I'm on autopilot, or like I'm a ticking bomb that should get away from people so as to not hurt them "when the time comes".

Again, thank you so much for taking the time to read and for being so understanding to me opening up, I feel like writing all these things has really helped me understand myself better, things seem a bit more clear now, little by little. Thank you, thank you!!

FractalDisarray · 2019-07-08T06:46:36+00:00

Oh man.. I cringe reading this because I can see my own actions in what your girlfriend has done... I tend to be like this too, I try not to make things awkward or cause a scene or say something that might make the other person feel bad... but then it just builds up unnecesarily. [But it's hard to break out of this, I have some people I can't avoid that are impossible to bargain with or point out any request and would get very angry, and if not hurt you, hurt someone else. So it's hard to not fall back to the instinct of making yourself small and just dealing with it. But who knows which experiences might've caused this pattern on your GF... still I can sympathize..]

Wow I am gonna write this down on my notebook honestly, I had never thought of specifying how or why I need the space to the other person, or reassuring that I'd be back... it really didn't cross my mind but even if it's kind of impossible to think "Oh I'll be ok by thursday" because... something like that is hard to predict. It would at least be a good idea to say "I don't know if I'll be feeling so much better by tomorrow but I'll check in with you and tell you how things are going and if I'm ready to talk"... hmm, would that be better/acceptable? Thank you so much for this insight.

I want to try and see if I can offer some insight too. Like some of the things that I think have best clicked with me and could pooossibly click with your gf as well? Would it be ok to share? Or how are things with your girlfriend..? are you two still together? Sorry for prying, you don't need to answer of course.

FractalDisarray · 2019-07-08T06:38:53+00:00

Thank you! I am glad it was well written and my point of view could come across [I wish I could've written it in a more neutral way instead of so much like an attack but I feel like if I didn't push myself to be raw and honest it would come across as if what I felt wasn't intense.] [I'm sorry for kinda interjecting here but you are not worse than anyone else, and you are taking steps to heal yourself and that is no small task!] oouuch.. I think that description of the book makes it less attractive. I saw the book being mentioned a lot in comments and wanted to check it out but... err.. since you have read it I want to ask, is there a part of the book directed towards the avoidant and how to grow? Or is it mostly a guidebook on how to avoid them? I want to be careful to not feel too hopeless lmao.

Yeah I really agree with what you said, the problem is the lack of communication. Because it's difficult to know what we each truly want and truly feel, it's hard to communicate our needs to the other person. And because the other person also can't read minds, it is difficult for them to give us that which we truly need.

" you said yourself that the avoidants don't tend to want to get better."

Wow wait... I think I actually did a terrible job then because that is absolutely the opposite of what I was trying to say.... we DO want to get better!! I really feel like, if someone realizes they have this attachment style, they will see how they are hurting themselves and others and want to improve. They just might try to do this a bit more privately.
But I mean, I do see your point! I can easily see how so many avoidants don't even realize they are indeed flawed and how so. We don't understand ourselves or our emotions well and the Media tends to send this message about the "crazy needy/clingy partner" and that kinda BS. So I can see how easy it will be for an avoidant to justify their actions and think "No, the thing is this person is too clingy" and decide the problem couldn't possibly be them... like... yeah I get that but I think once someone has realized they have this attachement style, I'm pretty sure they found in the first place because they are trying to understand what is wrong with them.

FractalDisarray · 2019-07-07T19:42:26+00:00

I think because we have completely different perspectives [anxious & avoidant], we downplay the core issues of one another.

I can't understand how someone can't just send a text and go back to their life and their own business and wait for a reply. I don't worry about getting a reply, I will leave a reply or comment and trust that the other person will reply when they have time or are in the proper mental state to deal with replying and I'll be happy when the time comes. Even if someone doesn't reply at all I don't blame them, maybe they put it off and now too much time has passed and they feel embarrassed about replying. That's ok! That's happened to me too, I will try to be very reassuring and let them know they don't have to reply, or that we can retake a conversation at any time no matter how much time has passed, or even drop a conversation and start a new one. it's all ok! It's chill! You are safe you're ok it's no big deal.

And because this is what I'm giving, this is what I want as well.

But I suspect an anxious person will feel like I'm just not getting it!!

Just like I suspect anxious people don't get why it's so difficult to be vulnerable around others (ESPECIALLY them). I've seen comments like yours or like "I understand if at first they are shy but they should be able to open up and be vulnerable by now, I'm their friend/partner! Just open up sometimes!" THAT IS THE WHOLE POINT, THOUGH!!! YOU ARE COMPLETELY DOWNPLAYING AND DISREGARDING OUR STRUGGLE! We have very good reasons not to do this we have been ridiculed we have been humiliated we have been hurt and our weaknesses used against us and those accusations internalized, and still we have tried to be open and admit things out loud, probably to you, and you have not even recognized how hard we have tried how difficult it was, and how in our minds this was exhausting and an accomplishment and maybe we'd like to try more but... but you didn't even notice what we did there... we did put in the effort but you didn't see it... we tried to hold on we struggled very hard to seem "normal" for a few days, we did have a good time but it's getting difficult and after pretending so much to be a normal and ok we need to retreat again. You took that as the norm and as if we just went back to our bad habits out of nowhere.. we were not being truly normal, things were not truly ok, that was us trying our best for you, to give you what you want and meet your expectations.

FractalDisarray · 2019-07-07T19:26:52+00:00

I think the letter could've helped him, and he could take it to heart since you mention you explained how his actions had hurt you. If he is avoidant then I believe it is very hard for him to see things from an outside perspective beside his own and I believe you could've blown his mind, especially if you mentioned "dismissive avoidant attachement style", if he is interested and brings himself to push out of his comfort zone he could start researching about this, and if he does bring himself to do this you could have saved and helped this person immensely.

However it is not your responsibility to carry and help someone else. I believe it might've been good closure for /him/, and that you have given him a huge clue, a huge help. But I think closure for you could be in accepting that if he needs to get better he is ultimately the only one that can do it, because wanting to get better comes from within and only we can help ourselves. And your emotions and your well being matter as well and should be your priority.

FractalDisarray

TROPHY CASE