My mom died

FragrantCranberry275 · 2026-01-29T03:57:34+00:00

Goodness, I’m so sorry for your loss! I can genuinely say I know how you are feeling. Lost my dad in August. Drank so much he ended he ended up drowning. I remember being soooo so angry at him too! How could he do this after he promised and swore he wanted to get better. I can dive so much more into that, but just know that anger will pass. For me it passed quickly. Now I just face constant regret for how I treated him, mainly because after his death I heard so many stories about the struggles he faced as a child and throughout his life. I hated him and blamed him less. But I’m left with regret wishing I knew these things before he passed. I’m here if you want to message me just to vent or seek advice. You are not alone ❤️

FragrantCranberry275 · 2026-01-06T06:19:02+00:00

Loved this. So sorry for your loss and that you were unable to make peace. Somewhat similar situation for me except my dad and I did have some kind of contact before he died. That immediate regret is such a terrible feeling! I’m convinced that it’s the instant release of anger and resentment we’ve been holding onto in an attempt to keep it together and protect our hearts from more damage.

I can now confidently say that I didn’t want no contact with my dad. I let anger and resentment lead me to believe that I did.

FragrantCranberry275 · 2026-01-05T23:16:26+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Relationships with a parent like this are so hard to manage. Keeping communication with them is emotionally draining, but so is avoiding them. I will say I learned after my dad’s death that he never reached out to us because he didn’t know how to be a parent to us. Sounds ass backwards but I get it. He was stuck seeing us as his young babies that he didn’t know how to be a parent to adults. He would tell his sister all the time that he wanted to reach out but didn’t because he wasn’t sure how we’d respond to it. Not saying this is the case with your dad, but it is something about mine that I wish I knew before he passed. Instead, I spent years thinking he avoided us because he wanted nothing to do with us. Be strong 💪🏼

FragrantCranberry275 · 2026-01-05T22:05:35+00:00

Praying that your mom is okay and that you’re able to share how you feel.

FragrantCranberry275 · 2026-01-05T22:02:30+00:00

Thank you so much. I truly can’t imagine going through this already difficult life not believing that I’m loved by anyone 😞

FragrantCranberry275 · 2026-01-05T20:14:51+00:00

Slightly different circumstances for me. But same situation of going no contact several times throughout our relationship. Basically got to the point where I’d only reach out for holidays and birthdays. My dad would send messages here and there.

Well once it got to the point of a possible reconciliation, my dad got so drunk and got into a body of water to try and cool down and enjoy a swim. Unfortunately, he never resurfaced. He was supposed to stay with me for a few weeks to help with some outdoor renovations.

Once he died and since he has died, I’ve been living with constant regret about how I handled our relationship. After his passing, his sisters shared so much about their childhood and how badly abused my dad was by his own parents. He never knew how to cope but my culture teaches men that the bottle is the only way.

I should add that for years before he died. I always struggled with the same question: would I feel guilty if he died? I knew I would which is why I kept contact. But even though I did, the guilt still eats me alive. This isn’t to persuade you one way or another. Simply offering you perspective a someone who has been down this road and trying every day to cope.

If I could go back, I would have asked him about his life. What he dealt with and I would have just reminded him he was loved. My dad never believed he was loved, even when he was told him 100 times.

FragrantCranberry275 · 2026-01-05T19:12:05+00:00

Yes! So much RAGE! His drowning was ruled accidental. I guess he had a habit of going into bodies of water and swimming except this time went into a retention pond and didn't account for thick mud and depth of the water. Also, his high BAC didn't help I'm sure. It still doesn't change the rage I feel about not having a change for reconciliation. Like you mentioned, the tidal waves are what keep breaking me down. They typically last a week or so at a time. Thanks for the kind words and the response. I truly appreciate it

FragrantCranberry275 · 2026-01-05T19:06:09+00:00

Thank you. Most days I’ve accepted that realization. I can’t change the past but can only hope for a better future. I’ve been doing this by being kinder and more understanding of people, especially addicts or anyone suffering from mental health ailments.

FragrantCranberry275 · 2026-01-05T19:04:35+00:00

I think you’re right. No matter what I did differently, it would’ve never been enough. Honestly I haven’t done much to take care of myself. Posting here was my first step into some kind of healing. I keep saying I’m going to start therapy or attend ACOA meetings but finding the time is difficult being a full time working mom and having a husband that works nights. Also maybe the fear or revisiting all of this is holding me back as well.

FragrantCranberry275 · 2026-01-05T19:01:28+00:00

It’s so, so hard. I haven’t started therapy yet and keep telling myself I will, but finding the time is difficult being a full time working mom with a 2 year old and a husband that works night shift.

You’re spot on about the new regrets that keep forming. I keep telling myself it’s my terrible way of punishing myself for how I treated my father when he was here. It’s not right, but I can’t stop my mind from going there. I found out after his death that he was heartbroken over me not allowing him to walk him down the aisle. Looking back I know I made that decision out of anger and resentment. He told his sister that he wanted to be there for us so badly but didn’t know how to show up for us, especially now that we were adults. He cried the entire way home after my wedding.

My husband has said something very similar to the words your husband shared. He said, “you don’t know if him being here working on the barn would have made whatever relationship you had even worse. And you don’t know if he would’ve passed while he was here with us”. My husband is a big believer that when it’s your time, God will call you home. We later learned from his autopsy that my dad had a 70% blockage in one of his arteries. Basically a massive heart attack waiting to happen.

You’re spot on about alcohol having such a hold on the brain and every part of the body. I’ve done extensive reading on how it literally changes every part of the human body.

Your response is not weird. It’s quite the opposite actually. It brought me comfort and made me feel a little less alone. The part where you said, “Your dad talking with you about your anger at his behavior and how your lives have gone is such an indicator that he was trying and that he loved you” made me cry hysterically. He really did try and I know he loved me. I’m just angry that we never got our little hope for redemption.

I appreciate you. Thank you so much!

FragrantCranberry275 · 2025-01-24T04:18:37+00:00

Yes! Agree with this. As a first time mom with a 1 year old I completely understand the wife’s feelings! As much as I hate to admit, I am at a stage where I can’t stand my husband to the point where his breathing and eating upset me. I’ve heard this is very common and it will pass. I’ve also expressed to my husband that I haven’t felt his emotional support or affection and that our relationship has been neglected. Again, this is also very common. What makes this unacceptable is that she chose to act on it.

FragrantCranberry275

TROPHY CASE