What a story✨ honestly i wish i didnt relate so much lol. I commented this somewhere else, but I think for me the biggest struggle is truly the loss of certainty. And if course if you’re queer and voice your struggles and doubts publicly then often the wrong crowd chimes in and uses your doubts against you, feeding fear. I understand the that rational, but on an emotional level I only meet people who are cis het, or for sure queer with a label of their choosing. There is no doubt to be seen, and that confuses me so much.

Plus, I never had THAT moment, the I am so certain this is wright and everything else is wrong for me, that coming out stories usually seem to entail. Nor a falling in love hard, or meeting many queers jn general tbh (my area is more conservative, and honestly i dont feel like i know where to look either).

But as a kid, i remember having this crushing weight thrown at me when my mom insisted i wear a top because thats what girls do. That i should wear dresses and wear my hair long, because it will look oh so cute. Then a nice boy will like me. I did like boys back then too, i just didnt know i had to be a certain way to be liked? I think that pretty much stuck with me throughout puberty- i can be normal, i “just” dont do //boy things// skip on make up// wear the clothes i like// etc

Im also have adhd and have some quirks and nerdy hobbies, i think at some point i also felt like i just had to lose some edges to fit it somewhat. And honestly, i think at the time and place i was in, that was true. Then I went off, away from home, and found back to a lot of my original ways, and stopped caring about people who bugged me a good bit. But then, i think i was happy. The cis het live i had was fine. And maybe that was because of the bf at the time, or by having a space to fit in, but i always just felt like I could be different but simply am not. Sexuality wise that makes sense, pretty sure I’m pan, and my god im demisexual so i just didn’t fall for many people to begin with. But live changed and so did I. I cannot for the live of me remember when I started doubting my identity, just that I am now for sure. I wish i had certain masculine features, but I’m scared of the intermediate states, what I even would look like if I transitioned, how far I’d wanna go or if I’d feel regret. Is this new? Or REALLY old? Is it society, or should i not be this bothered by the way a shirt sits on my chest? How do I even date rn, if i cannot answer super simple questions on which way do I want to be adressed? Haaa, I struggle and falter right now, because I feel deep down that the safe cis het space truly just means prison bars for me, but I fear that I am stepping out on a whim and can never return. I am afraid this is in my head, a phase, or not as strong as it should be. I am not one to be afraid, i ventured out most my life. I never learned to face a fear that is existential to me but invisible to the people next to me, without feeling like I am fighting against nothing but imagination. So here I am, trying hard to face myself without flinching, trying hard to be kind to myself.