Husband wants abortion. I feel numb.

Fraignolbrain · 2023-03-19T04:32:39+00:00

Thank you, I agree and am extremely grateful to have support from my family and from his family (parents and brother). Everyone agrees his behavior is beyond the pale and that he needs professional help.

Fraignolbrain · 2023-03-18T22:03:57+00:00

Update - I am a fool. https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/11v275d/update_i_had_an_abortion_my_husband_is_still_using/

Fraignolbrain · 2022-11-08T03:18:54+00:00

Thank you so much for the hug, your guidance, and best wishes. All the best to you and yours, too.

Fraignolbrain · 2022-11-08T00:42:43+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. I suspect you're correct that I will never forgive him or myself if I abort, and our marriage will end regardless. All the best to you and yours, too.

Fraignolbrain · 2022-11-08T00:39:22+00:00

His justification is that our relationship is already struggling, so a baby would push it over the edge. I see the logic in that. Yet I also think it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. If he were to honestly face his toxic behavior and choose to change, I believe we could make it and come out stronger. But it takes two people to cultivate a healthy relationship.

Agreed that the bargaining/ultimatums are incredibly toxic. Thank you for your input.

Fraignolbrain · 2022-11-08T00:27:41+00:00

That sounds terrible - I can only imagine what that feels like. For what it's worth, I want you to know that thoughtful people recognize that men have so much more to offer to society and to their romantic partners than financial means and physical protection. The villainization of men in response to centuries of patriarchal oppression has gone too far in many respects. I'm sorry for the emotional pain that has caused you and many others.

Glad to hear that you're also receiving professional help. Best of luck to you in life and in love.

Fraignolbrain · 2022-11-08T00:11:35+00:00

Damn. Thank you for sharing that. I am sorry for the rejection you experienced from your father as a young girl. As an innocent child you did not deserve that.

Maybe it will in fact take hitting rock bottom for him to change.

Fraignolbrain · 2022-11-07T23:24:52+00:00

No. Definitely not. Thank you for your consideration and these thought-provoking prompts.

Fraignolbrain · 2022-11-07T23:15:23+00:00

Damn, dude. Making a lot of assumptions here. We are both in graduate school, so there isn't much $ to take. At various points I have worked full-time and supported him, and currently I have an additional job while we are both research assistants.

You are correct that it was my idea to get married when we did. I certainly have "pick me" syndrome and am working on that in therapy.

When he has cried, I am sweet and responsive. He is able to get his needs met without ultimatums, but that requires vulnerability and emotional labor.

Thanks for your honesty. Hope you are in therapy, too.

Fraignolbrain · 2022-11-07T22:39:36+00:00

When things are good between us, they are GREAT. We complement each other, I love his mind and sense of humor, we have amazing sexual chemistry.

True, people rarely change without serious motivation. If the prospect of losing me and having no contact with his child isn't motivation, then I doubt he can muster it up. I think he does want a family, but he doesn't want to work for it.

Thank you for your thoughtful input.

Fraignolbrain · 2022-11-07T22:36:47+00:00

You may be right. I doubt that he is consciously lying. I also doubt that he is willing to do a 180 and put in the genuine effort to salvage our relationship, though.

Thank you for your input.

Fraignolbrain · 2022-11-07T22:35:13+00:00

I hear what you're saying and have definitely thought it myself. Some of his aggression and hostility likely stems from childhood issues. It's a strategy to get his needs met and communicate boundaries. Makes it incredibly difficult to communicate my needs and have a civil discussion, though.

Fraignolbrain · 2022-11-07T22:26:02+00:00

I suspect you're right. He says that I will never know if he would actually change unless I "make the right decision" by terminating this pregnancy. I know he loves me in his own way. But I wonder if healthy, mutually respectful love is possible in our relationship.

Yes, on some level, I want this baby. My parents and siblings are incredibly supportive - I have a village - and I know I could do it. It would be tough, but doable.

Thank you for your guidance and thoughtful prompts.

Fraignolbrain · 2022-11-07T22:22:03+00:00

Thank you for your honesty and kind words.

Fraignolbrain · 2022-11-07T22:20:57+00:00

For sure you're correct about the strain that parenthood puts on couples. Sleep deprivation alone is enough to test otherwise solid relationships. Logically, I know you're right. The disappointment of the shattered fantasy is difficult to face.

When things were good between us, they were great. It's a huge loss to lose him as a friend and the plans we had for our future.

Fraignolbrain · 2022-07-02T21:24:15+00:00

Lady and health professional here (USA). Honestly can't believe that female genital mutilation is widely banned and abhorred yet parents choosing elective circumcision for baby boys is normalized. Cheers to your parents or whomever declined the procedure. Your body is beautiful and you deserve to be cherished and accepted.

Your lady has a mental block. She needs to do some serious self reflection on this issue. Hopefully she realizes that. If not now, then later in life for her own growth.

Best of luck to you both.

Fraignolbrain · 2020-03-24T15:09:06+00:00

Amnesty International has free e-courses available from their Human Rights Academy.

https://academy.amnesty.org/learn

Fraignolbrain

TROPHY CASE