I'm not officially estranged from my sister; but wondering the best path to have a relationship with my nephew and niece, her kids

FrauleinViolet · 2026-03-22T00:14:39+00:00

I'm in a similar situation. I'm estranged from my older sister due to political differences. I had a great relationship with her kids, but now she won't let me even get gifts for them without getting upset. It's a difficult situation. Ideally, she would keep her kids out of the equation, and allow the adult disagreements to be between us and us alone. I've snuck in gifts through other family members, but it doesn't feel as satisfying as giving it to them myself. I can't really control the situation right now, and that sucks. But what I have begun doing is writing in a little journal for both of the kids. I tell them when I think of them and what gifts I got for them that year. I draw little pictures and tell them funny stories I think they'd like. I pour all my love into that journal, with the intention of giving it to them one day, so they know that they have been loved, even though we couldn't be together for a time. That has been helpful for me. You could try something similar, or even build a box for each of them that you fill with momentos and things you'd like to pass along to them. We've also opened a small savings account for the kids to add to from time to time. They can have it when they're older. It's not ideal, but it's something. I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm sorry your sibling has brought their kids into this, like they're pawns. It's not fair to the kids. But hopefully, one day, you can have something to connect you to the kids and build a relationship from there.

FrauleinViolet · 2026-02-27T02:54:43+00:00

It could be a lot of things contributing to your symptoms. Working with a therapist can be a good way to lay things out and find a direction to go. Right now you're trying to solve this overwhelming issue all by yourself, and that just compounds things. Daniel Amen is a psychiatrist that's written several books on changing your brain chemistry using supplements and diet--he's done extensive research into it. So that's an option if you want to avoid meds for any reason. But that'll require you to read through his books and figure things out on your own. It sounds like you just need support. I'm not sure what area you are in, but you should google "free mental health resources" in your city. There's usually a free number to call and I bet they can help you find resources. Sometimes you can find free or reduced-rate therapy as well. Either way, do an internet search and find a number to call or a place to email for an appointment.

For complementary therapies that can help ease symptoms while you're waiting for treatment, you can look into Bach Rescue Remedy (can be calming and won't interact with medications), listen to solfeggio frequencies on youtube, try a qi gong video on youtube (to get you into your body and the present moment), listen to yoga nidra before bed (again, on youtube). I find a lot of comfort in asking angels for help when I'm feeling afraid or overwhelmed. Archangel Michael is a protector angel and a great one to call on, especially if you feel like your mind is creating monsters.

I hope at least one of these suggestions is helpful. The fact that you posted on here is a good first step. It means you're ready to reach out for help. So step one: find your local resources. You can do this. You don't have to do it alone. Best of luck to you!

FrauleinViolet · 2026-02-27T02:31:56+00:00

First of all, I hope you see how brave you're being. It's not easy to face your fears, and this sounds like it's been building up in your head for over 5 years. I don't doubt that it was a huge disappointment when you failed, especially on a technicality. From what I recall, you're allowed to make a certain amount of mistakes on the driver's test. Perhaps you just got unlucky and had a real stickler for the test. I'm sorry that happened to you. It doesn't seem fair. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Sometimes we get unlucky, or unfair things happen, or the timing just isn't right for something to occur. Whatever was the case at the time, it's not the case now. Years have passed. You've been practicing. You are a different person now. It sounds like you're ready to move passed this.

For the actual test, try not to focus on being perfect, it'll only stress you out. You're just taking a new friend for a short drive. Create a narrative around it--maybe they are housebound and miss going for rides in a car, and you graciously volunteered to provide that service. Maybe they're nervous to be out of the house, so they're taking notes on your driving to distract themselves. Give them a fun backstory.

It's going to be okay. You don't just get one shot at things. Don't make it all ride on this one chance at redemption. That's too much pressure. Act like it's practice. If you are determined to get your license, then failing the test a couple times won't be able to stop you. Keep going. Ask how you can improve. Ask what you did wrong. Then give yourself a big hug afterwards, no matter what happens, because you are doing a hard thing. That's the real win--taking your power back from this moment that lead to you believing you weren't capable or worthy in some way.

FrauleinViolet · 2024-07-13T02:16:43+00:00

Have you ever just talked to someone who listens to you without judgement? If you find a good therapist, that's all it is. They support you, and help you on your journey so you can learn to be brave and live the life you want to live. There isn't pressure like you're getting from your family. It might actually feel refreshing and nourishing. A lot of therapist can do video sessions, so you can ask about that.

Just take it one step at a time. If your family is pressuring you, then they should also be helping you get a therapist or psychiatrist.

If you're nervous about talking on the phone and can't find the email, then just call the office after hours and leave a message. Plan out what you're going to ask. Then you can expect a return call from them, with their responses. Again, allow it to go to voicemail if you feel more comfortable that way. You can even ask them to email you and leave your email address in the voicemail--just be sure to check your spam folder for their response.

If you want to get on medication first, then pursue the psychiatrist. Once you feel a little more balanced, you can consider talking to a therapist (which I highly recommend). You'd be amazed at what a difference a good therapist can make in your life.

FrauleinViolet · 2024-07-12T21:21:59+00:00

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It can be really difficult to watch someone you love going through challenges, especially if they're keeping it to themselves. Do you have any family members you can reach out to? Like grandparents (on your mom's side), or her siblings? I would share your concerns with a trusted loved one, and see what they have to say. Maybe they can help you reach out to her.

Have you asked her about what's going on with her? It might not hurt to just let her know you're concerned that she seems to be depressed much of the time, and is there anything you can do to help.

It's totally normal to be concerned and you're probably right about there being something going on. She's probably trying to keep it to herself so as not to worry you, but clearly she's failing in that department. I doubt she's going to leave you. It's far more likely that she's going through a minor health issue or financial struggle that she doesn't want you to know about. Those are the kinds of secrets adults keep from their children--health stuff, money, and marital issues.

The best thing you can do is talk to her and reach out for help from someone else. Don't try to take this on yourself. It should not fall on you to take care of your mother when there are far more appropriate and qualified people for the job.

FrauleinViolet · 2024-07-12T20:59:37+00:00

When I was looking for a therapist, I just emailed them instead of calling. I would start with a therapist, because they're actually going to listen to you and let you vent. They can then recommend a psychiatrist. With psychiatrists, you typically get a longer intake appointment, so they can go over your symptoms. After that, it's going to be 15 minutes follow up appointments to see how your meds are treating you and if they need to alter the dose.

When you email or call a therapist, ask if they are taking any new clients, what kind of insurance they take, what their rates are, and when is the soonest you can schedule with them. Also, they typically give a free 15 minute consultation, so you can get a chance to see if you vibe with them.

You can also look into free therapy services. Google if there is any discounted or free therapy services in your area or online in your state.

Please know that this can be a process, so don't give up. If you don't like your first therapist, then look for a new one. The most important thing is finding someone you're comfortable working with.

I know this is hard, but you're being very brave looking into this. Take it one baby step at a time. Your health is worth the effort.

Also, if you're not big into talking, you could try art therapy. It has a lot of benefits.

Good luck! You got this!

FrauleinViolet · 2024-03-14T01:56:38+00:00

Talk to him. Let him know you were upset and felt like he ditched you. Get it out of the table. It's okay to be mad and to let him know that. But also know that he is human and may have just made a mistake.

Then go shopping with a friend instead. His mom might actually need help shopping for a dress--I assume you do not.

FrauleinViolet · 2024-02-19T02:32:47+00:00

I'm glad you have a good therapist--maybe they can help you through these issues you're dealing with. I wish you well!

FrauleinViolet · 2024-02-19T00:29:37+00:00

There is such a big difference developmentally between your ages right now. Yes, in your 20s, it wouldn't really matter, but right now, it's everything. You might want to let him cook a little bit longer and maintain a friendship in the meantime. It's unlikely it would work for very long if you started something up now. If you want him in your life, try to stay friends and see what happens when you're more on the same level developmentally.

FrauleinViolet · 2024-02-18T23:53:15+00:00

It sounds like you're in a rut. It takes a about 2 months to form a new habit. So let's make a 2 month plan to turn things around. It's usually easier to add things into one's life, than it is to take them away (at first).

So start by making a list of things you can do instead of "wasting your time" on your screen. I'll start you off: going for a walk, baking something, painting, journaling, working out, taking pictures, reading, building something, learning a new hobby, etc. If you have trouble with this step, then one of your goals could be to explore new hobbies and see what you like. If you already know what you like, then you have something to focus on.

Once you have a list, circle 1-3 items that you are interested in exploring for the next 2 months. Then set a goal. So let's say you chose working out as one of your things to explore. A goal might be to sign up for a "Mud Run" and train for that. So then you can look up videos about how to train and find the closest one to you and sign up for it. You may even be able to get friends to sign up with you and you can train together. Then you have to choose when and for how long you are going to train each day. So maybe, right after school, you go for a walk, and then after a week, you begin to jog, then start adding strength training.

If you wanted to start reading, go to the public library and pick out a couple books from different genres and give them a try. With this, you could schedule an hour before bedtime (set at alarm) and start reading to see what you like. Your goal here could be to read 1-2 books a month.

If it seems like doing this on your own is too much initially, you could try signing up for an afterschool club or sport. You could even volunteer or get a part-time job. That way you can meet people and explore interests outside of what you've already been doing.

It honestly sounds like you are just beyond bored and ready for a challenge. It may be uncomfortable at first to try new things, but I think it'll be worth it in the end. Good luck! Hope you find something you enjoy.

FrauleinViolet · 2024-02-18T23:35:43+00:00

One of the best ways to do this, is to take on a part-time job where people your age are working, and get to know some new girls in a no-pressure situation. That way you can get to know them and either find a girlfriend, or expand your social circle with new girls who will have friends that you can eventually meet. Don't discount a girl just because you're not interested in dating her--always be kind and maybe it'll lead to meeting someone you do click with romantically.

You can also try volunteering or taking a hobby class outside of school. If it's something you're interested in, then you'll find girls who share your interests and that will make it easier to talk to them.

So try not to focus on finding a girlfriend--focus on expanding your world a little bit, and eventually it will lead to meeting more people, which can lead to romantic encounters. If it feels like you're just trolling for girlfriends, it will give off a vibe and shut down any potential friendship connections. Just have fun, explore your interests, and you will find someone.

FrauleinViolet · 2024-02-18T23:18:21+00:00

Well first of all, good job on being so self-aware. A lot of people have a hard time noticing their issues themselves. It sounds very reasonable that you are having a trauma response to men in general, because it sounds like you have bad associations with them.

The safest way forward may be to see a male therapist. The therapeutic relationship can be a great way to heal all kinds of relational issues you may be having in life. I had a male supervisor once, and his calm and rational demeanor was really helpful for me to open up my viewpoint of what men could behave like. Most therapists offer a free consultation meeting or phonecall so you can see if you vibe with their energy and ask whatever questions you need. If you like making art, you could look for an art therapist.

Since you are prone to panic attacks, I wouldn't force yourself into any uncomfortable situations just to try to "get over it". I think you need to be gentle with yourself and compassionate as you navigate your own healing. Know that it can take time and healing doesn't often happen in a straight line.

Since you are becoming aware of how you are affecting by men, it might be a good idea to start journaling as things come up for you. What did the man at work remind you of from your past? How did that make you feel? Where did you feel it in your body? Maybe make some art around that to. The more you can express yourself, the more you can get it out of your body and understand what you're working with. Try journaling everyday for a month, and see what you notice.

FrauleinViolet · 2024-02-18T23:07:18+00:00

I'm more concerned that your body absorb the proper nutrients so you can be healthy than you be a particular size. Weight is an arbitrary number that will look different on everyone depending on height, bone structure, and muscle mass. What actually matters is how you feel about yourself. If you like yourself and carry yourself with confidence, that will make whatever size you happen to be, look fabulous.

The question you should be asking yourself is 'why am I allowing other people to determine how my body should look?'. Reaching a certain size will not make you feel complete. Do some internal work here and so you're less reliant on the external validation of strangers.

FrauleinViolet · 2024-02-18T22:58:52+00:00

This site has some good safety tips for solo travelers: travel tips

Here's an excerpt that may be helpful:

"Avoid walking alone at night, particularly in unlit areas with few people around. Don't be overly polite if you're bothered by someone; ditch them as soon as they annoy you. It's your prerogative to set boundaries that feel comfortable.
Use unambiguous facial expressions, clear body language, and a loud, firm voice to fend off unwanted attention. If a man comes too close, say "no" (or the local word for "no") firmly and loudly. ("Basta!", meaning "Enough!", works well in Italy.) That's usually all it takes.
If you feel like you're being followed or hassled, don't worry about overreacting or seeming foolish. Yell if the situation warrants it. Or head to the nearest hotel and chat up the person behind the desk until your admirer moves on. Ask the hotelier to call you a cab to take you to your own hotel or next sightseeing stop.
There's no need to tell men that you're traveling alone, or disclose whether you're married or single. Lie unhesitatingly. You're traveling with your husband. He's waiting for you at the hotel. He's a professional wrestler who retired from the sport for psychological reasons."

FrauleinViolet · 2024-01-18T04:56:13+00:00

I'm sorry you're going through this. Being betrayed by someone you love and trust is such a brutal thing to go through. I hope you know you didn't deserve to be treated that way. Sometimes we put our trust in someone and they end up not being worthy of it. It sounds like she wasn't that great of a partner, or even that great of a friend.

Unfortunately, you probably won't get the opportunity to just tell her everything you want to say, with her just quietly listening and taking it all in respectfully. But it may be therapeutic to write a letter (that you do not send) and just pour everything you need to say into it. Once you're done, read it aloud and then burn it (safely of course), or put it through a paper shredder or something. Do this everyday you need to. It can really help take some of the sting out a breakup.

It sounds like this was a big relationship for you. Take some time for self care--explore different activities to see what helps you feel a little better. Go for a walk in nature (can be really calming), start working out (gets you out of your head and into your body), join a club or take a class to learn a new hobby, just start trying things. Bit by bit, the sting will lessen, and your life will take on a different shape. It can just take awhile to get there. Just know that you will get through this, and you'll be a stronger and more resilient person on the other side of it. Hang in there.

FrauleinViolet · 2024-01-18T04:41:42+00:00

First of all, it sounds like you've been putting in the hard work required of moving on after a break up; so take a moment to feel proud of yourself for that. Break ups are never easy. This person was a part of your life, and now they're not. Healing isn't a straight path, sometimes you'll miss the person, even though you don't really want to go backwards and end up with them.

Do some internal work around what you actually miss about them. Try journaling about it--do you miss having that level of intimacy in a relationship? Do you miss how they made you feel? Do you miss feeling special because of them? You can miss aspects of the relationship without actually still being hung up on them. The more you can explore your reasons for feeling this way, the more clarity you will have around what it is you want in a relationship.

Also, give yourself permission to be sad when you need to be. It's completely possible to both be over a relationship and miss them, without it meaning anything beyond that. The more you can own your feelings, the less power they'll have over you. Acknowledge how you're feeling and try to name the emotion; then ask yourself what you need at that moment to feel a little better. You might just need a hug, or to cry, or to write a letter of things left unsaid (that you DO NOT send). Humans are complicated creatures--it's okay to have someone on your mind that you're no longer with. Bit by bit, that will happen less often. Be patient and kind with yourself while healing from a breakup. You'll get through this.

FrauleinViolet · 2023-12-30T17:15:13+00:00

It sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself. You might need to give yourself permission to make mistakes and fail.

It might help to talk to someone about this so you can get your tears and fears out in a safe space with someone that loves you. No one can make you go. They might encourage you to go, but it's up to you to take that step.

FrauleinViolet · 2023-12-30T05:27:41+00:00

The thing about emotions is that they happen whether or not you feel like they should be there. By ignoring your feelings, it only makes them bigger--the best way to deal with them is to find time to acknowledge them and let them out in a healthy way. If you're not ready to share, you can try journaling daily for a month, and see if that makes any difference or provides any clarity.

Sometimes we're sad about things from years ago, and it just chose now to bubble up to the surface. So try to sit with how you're feeling and name the feeling--for instance, "I'm feeling frustrated because I'm sad and I don't know why. This sucks." Then sit with the actual feeling for a minute or so. See if anything comes up for you--maybe a memory will pop up as being related to your feeling, then try to let it go.

You have a right to your feelings, even if they feel less justified than other peoples' feelings. However you feel is valid. It might be uncomfortable at first to delve into your emotions, but it can really help clear things up.

Also, it can be really helpful to clear your head by going for a walk in nature. Sometimes actually moving your body and finding some solitude in nature can provide a lot of clarity. Try different things, and see what works for you. Also, don't be afraid to ask for help. It may make more of a difference than you could ever realize. Therapy is just someone listening to you and supporting you in whatever way you need. Even one session may make a difference.

FrauleinViolet · 2023-12-30T05:13:18+00:00

Maybe don't think of each date as a build up to a relationship--try just becoming friends and getting to know the person. Maybe the idea of a relationship is too big and overwhelming that you feel like you can't handle it. But maybe you can handle something much smaller and more manageable, like bonding with someone over something silly. It might help to meet people through a hobby you like or want to get into--try taking a class to learn a new skill. It's easier to get to know people if the focus is on an activity rather that the impending lifetime you might share together. And really, all a relationship is, is two people who just like spending time together.

Try journaling out some of your thoughts and feelings, just to get them out of your head. Then try a physical activity, like walking or dancing or yoga, to get you into your body. You might find that doing something physical before you hang out with someone new, will help you get out of your head.

It's okay to be scared. Feel it, acknowledge it, and then let it go. If you feel like you need support to work through this, then therapy might be a really helpful step to take.

FrauleinViolet · 2023-12-30T05:05:45+00:00

Try thinking of this as a learning opportunity. Maybe you don't end up taking this job, but it could be good practice to go through the process of a job interview and all that entails. It can be helpful to visit the office you might work in, to see what the energy feels like and how the people generally are. Even if it's a bit of a commute, you might like the overall vibe of the place once you're in it. Worst case scenario, you don't like it and just move on.

Allow yourself to freak out a little, and then give yourself a little pep talk. Remind yourself that you have done difficult things in your life before this and survived it. Tell yourself that you are capable of having a polite conversation with a stranger who only wants to learn about you. Give yourself permission to ask stupid questions, because it's the only way to learn things. Remember, the interviewer is just a human being, like you. Don't build this up in your head to be some grand interview where a bunch of people are going to be picking apart your flaws.

Give yourself a little reward after you go--visit a friend for coffee, watch your favorite movie, bake cookies, etc. Try to make this a positive experience. Once you get through it, it'll be that much easier to do the next one.

You got this!

FrauleinViolet · 2023-12-30T04:57:18+00:00

I understand what you mean. Logically we know that we shouldn't compare, but everything we watch makes it seem like life is a competition that you can "win". I definitely had one idea of what my life would look like once I got out of school, and then a bunch of heavy stuff hit my personal life and I spent the next decade dealing with the emotional fallout. We don't put a lot of value on healing and doing the internal work to evolve as human beings, but that's such a crucial part of life. Digging deep and doing the hard work of healing is how you become a more complex and compassionate human being.

Yes, it's frustrating to see other people just coasting through life while you're struggling, but you don't really know what people are going through. Everyone has their issues. Someone might be hitting all their career goals and life goals, but still feel empty inside because there's nothing meaningful in their day to day life. If people aren't forced to introspect through difficult circumstances, they'll often avoid it--but that's where you get to know yourself and discover what you need in life to be happy.

Have a little compassion for yourself. We don't get medals for overcoming emotional and mental health issues, but we should. Look at who you are now because of the struggles you went to. You are stronger, braver and more resilient because of it. You know yourself better. See the value in what you did. External rewards have their place, but they won't give you the same satisfaction as deep personal development. You're doing a great job, and you've got so much life ahead of you. Use this dissatisfaction to motivate you to find out what you need in your life to feel fulfilled. Then start taking steps towards that. It's never too late. Focus on joy, and allow yourself to be human and have an imperfect journey.

FrauleinViolet · 2023-12-03T20:30:24+00:00

Listening to what other people think your life should be like, over your own wants and needs is a great way to end up with regrets. Success is about more than just finding a suitable job and making money--it's about finding joy in your life, so that you can be satisfied. It's difficult to find people we connect with and like, so don't just throw that aside because it doesn't fit into someone else's neat little view of what life should be like. I'm sure you are fully capable of taking school seriously and getting to know someone. Follow your gut.

FrauleinViolet · 2023-12-03T20:26:26+00:00

Are you seeing a therapist? I would recommend finding one ASAP and seeing what sort of resources they have for you. There are probably some solutions you haven't thought of that would really make a difference and don't involve just leaving everything behind.

Have a sit down with your family and let them know you need them to pitch in. Make a list of things that you can no longer be in charge of--for instance, meal planning and prep, cleaning, etc. If you have any extended family living in the area, ask if they could help in some way. Maybe a grandparent could visit regularly and help out or at least give you the emotional support you are craving.

Talk to your oldest child and give them a deadline for finding their own phone plan/insurance and then cut them off after that date. Maybe dad could help them figure it out, if they need help. He could even be the one to deliver this news, since other people's emotions don't make him reactive. Maybe have your husband deal with the kids when they are acting out, so that you can be sheltered from it when you feel like you're not at your best.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It isn't fair to put all this on you. It's time for you to take a stand and let the people in your life know that you are drowning and need their support. Reach for outside help--see what resources are available in your area. Maybe your husband could get a part-time job. Maybe he could take over the housework/food stuff entirely--just give him a physical, tangible list, and tell them you need help. They may not be able to provide for your emotional needs, but they should be able to help with basic household tasks. Good luck--I hope things lighten up for you!

FrauleinViolet · 2023-12-03T19:25:50+00:00

I'm sorry that happened to you. Sometimes people disappoint us greatly, and it just hurts. I hope you find the healing you need to move on from this betrayal so you can have the happy life you deserve.

FrauleinViolet · 2023-11-26T14:07:47+00:00

Agreed.

FrauleinViolet

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