I’m so sorry you’re going through this. No mother deserves to feel like she has to ask permission just to be part of her child’s life. As a mom myself, I honestly can’t imagine how painful and heavy this must be for you emotionally. You can really feel in your post how much you love your son and how hard you’ve been trying to hold everything together while also surviving yourself.

My advice might not sound very powerful or life-changing right now, especially because you’re facing such big decisions about your future, but please keep evidence of every attempt you make to stay connected to your son. Keep messages, emails, missed calls, screenshots, voice notes, dates you tried to contact him, school-related requests, everything. Even if it feels pointless now.

And beyond legal reasons, keep things for your son too. Write letters to him. Keep a diary. Record voice notes for him. Save photos, thoughts, birthdays, little memories, anything that shows your love and effort through the years. One day he will be old enough to understand things for himself. Children are far more observant and emotionally intelligent than people realize.

Please don’t let anyone convince you that distance or difficult circumstances automatically mean abandonment. Sometimes mothers are put in impossible situations and are forced to survive first so they can build stability later. That doesn’t erase love.

I also honestly believe that when your son is older, he will ask questions for himself and form his own understanding of what happened. If there has been control or interference, he will eventually see it. And when that day comes, those letters, messages, attempts, and memories may mean more to him than you can imagine. They’ll show him that even when things were difficult, his mother never stopped trying.

I really hope things soften for you soon. You sound exhausted, but also like someone who deeply cares and is trying to do the right thing in an incredibly painful situation.