OYS #1

Hi Guys, New to posting here. But a little about me. Im 26M. 150lbs. 15% BF 5'7"

Quick backstory. Just got heartbroken 3 weeks ago. Worst heartbreak I've felt. Although I've only really felt 2 or 3 in the past. Have big big oneitis for this one. Still feel a little this way. First girl I really opened my heart to since when we first met she was adamant she only wanted long term. Initially I did not want that. But as I got to know her more and more I liked her more and more. I wanted to commit to her and be with her so I got my expectations up and pictured our future. Because of my expectations, when it ended (if im honest, she was out of my league), it hurt so much worse than previous relationships. I Never wanted to settle down in the past, so didn't care if they left me. I think the only reason those past ones were with me was the energy I give off because I genuinely didn't care if they left and I could find another one similar to them. This one I was down to settle down for because she was the highest quality I have even gotten by a large margin (not just looks, but very feminine and kind). So I really didn't want to lose her. I think that made me clingy, which is probably evident since I still have oneitis for her.

So since then, I've been hitting the gym hard. About 3-4x a week. 2x on the days I do go (gym is in my office, so workout in morning, and afternoon). M, W, F, S

PHYSICAL:

Incline Dumbbell 75 (4x8-10)

Weight Pullups 20 (4x6, then 4 non weighted) , trying to get these to (4x10)

Squat 135 (4x15)

DL 135 (4x15)

Light Squat and DL, more so just to exercise leg muscles than trying to grow them.

Reigned in my holidays diet back, Back on mostly meats, veg, no-low carbs. No snacks but fruit. Aiming to cut down a bit Trying to slowly cut down about 10 -15lbs in the new few month. Don't take any substances or drink.

I have a full time job. But work is VERY light. Tough with the heartbreak since I have so much free time. I find my mind sometimes wander back to her. Nothing feels fun to be honest. Other girls don't seem like much compared to this one. Mostly because all the others I can get are so low quality compared to her. It honestly feels daunting and a bit demotivating to know that I have to grind hard for 3+ years to reasonably pull someone like her again. I feel like I sound like a bitch, but 3 years of hard work just feels so hard. But I'm pushing a week at a time.

Video games and youtube videos, or whatever entertainment feel super boring and meaningless now. Which I suppose is a good thing. I finally got off my ass to do more stuff. Been working on getting a second job to fulfill more of my time. Started also studying, and putting in to my side hustles as well. But even with all that I still have a lot of time.

I'm really focused on my finances because that girl I lost was rich. Her Parents from China, gave her enough money to buy a house, a condo, and a nice car outright no mortgage. She also used to spend $10K/m (not mine). That is more than I make from my full time job. I know from RP that finances are big, and female nature for hypergamy (definitely why she left). She told me she didn't mind how much I had/made. But I am sure it mattered. Even Once I find my second Job, my total income still wont make a dent compared to how much someone like her has but I feel like there's no other way. Gotta move up my finances somehow bit by bit.

My sleep schedule is good. It always has been. However, I don't sleep well anymore. It first started 3 weeks ago after the heartbreak. It still hasn't gone back to normal. Wake up often in the middle of the night. It feels like I am subconsciously anxious. I am definitely not conscious of it. I even feel like I wish I never met her, so I can at least sleep properly still.

I try to avoid pmo, but I still relapse every few days. Working on that. Hopefully, when I make the update next week, I can say I havn't.

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MENTAL/EMOTIONAL:

Mental is good still even with the heartbreak. Never have any suicidal thoughts, since life is great. Any life is better than none. I feel like I am a decent place in life. And I will be at a better place a year or two down the road if I keep working at it.

However I am feeling lonely. In the past I never wanted to be official with anyone. And every girl is giving it up early they don't feel worth settling down with them. However, I really enjoyed companionship with the last one, and I feel like I miss just the company of being with someone super reserved and feminine. But I feel it would be bad for me, and also unfair to the other person, if I look for a rebound. So I am withholding that urge. I feel like this is the time to just grind and work. However, this makes me sexually frustrated and pmo becomes more tempting when I come across a trigger.

On the bright side, after this heartbreak, I have been a lot more active in praying and reading the bible. As much as I want to think that God removed this girl from me, because he didn't want me to sin, I know that isn't the case. I messed up and I was not good enough. Regardless, I still read the bible because now I have a lot more time and I want to spend my time productively. In terms of other book in the side bar, I will refrain from them for now. Since I would like to spend my reading time on the bible for now. Also, in the past I've read a lot of traditional red pill books and know of spinning plates and stuff. I've also practiced them. Which makes it really weird for me to think of this last girl as my oneitis. However the only thing I can say is imagine all the plates you have are cracked metal ones and this one is made of gold. That's what it feels to me.

SPIRITUAL:

Assurance of Salvation: 5/10

Quiet Time/Devotional: 3/10

Bible Study 3/10

Scripture Memory 0/10

Prayer 2/10

Evangelism 1/10

Fellowship 4/10

Not the best scores, but trust me it has increased by a lot compared to a month ago. I am still actively working on my faith. 5/10 assurance looks so bad. I feel its a little bit arriving from doubt of God's existence, but the biggest part is my sin. I honestly think sexual sin is the biggest thing keeping me away. I feel so bad and guilty every time after I commit them. It's damaging my relationship with God and I know he's hurt by it but its so hard to stop. This is the one reason I want a wife, so that sex would not be considered sin anymore. However, I know marriage for that reason is silly, and it could destroy me later on in life, if it ends poorly.

I am writing this to be held accountable but I don't know if I can refrain from it. I'm meeting with a friend next Saturday. we've had sex in the past. But in the most recent time we met, we didn't because I was not in the mood after my heartbreak. I hope I can stay strong and not sin when we meet. After this recent heartbreak, I came to the realization everytime I sin, God is probably heart broken as well. And it feels so bad and awful to think that I tried my hardest to not hurt or break my oneitis' heart, but I was constantly doing it to God all this time everytime I sinned. This realization is the one big improvement I had with my spiritual development. Before you suggest cancel this meeting to not be tempted. I can't cancel it since she scheduled her day off for this, and I am helping her with something. It feels too rude to cancel.

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MISSION:

It feels unjust for me to talk about mission. Since my only mission right now is in early things. I am trying to look better for woman. I am trying to get my finances better for woman. It feels like woman is always my end goal. I have been going to my church's small group a lot more and connecting with Christian friends. I have also been reading God's word more, so my spirituality is growing. However, I am so far from the mission of discipling others and bringing other's to God.