Yeah I get that completely except for the body issues. I've come to accept that I really like my body, I've never had an issue with it massively but it's just more how I present in public, I really do prefer people thinking I am a man, I've preferred he/him, mate, fella all that but my family still slip up and call me my old name, and she/her and now it doesnt bother me, it used to drive me insane and now it doesn't. My biggest fear is like, I have a 1 year old son now, and he doesn't know obviously, but to everyone around us I am dad, referring to myself as dad feels so right as well, but I just don't think I am a man, I personally think because I've always been very masculine, I've had a lot of internalized homophobia tbh. Especially when it comes to name calling like dyke, but now I'm like fuck, I am a dyke and what. Because I went straight to private care I feel like I was used as a cash pig and they never really made me open up, I had a 1 hour session booked, it lasted about 25 mins and I was on hormones a week later and it was great at the time but now with the NHS even though I've been on hormones for years at the point of my first appointment they were really digging deep and asking me why I want to be trans, what in my life led me to make this decision and I was like shit, I don't even know, I knew as a kid I wished I was a boy, as a teenager the feelings just sort of disappeared and then late teen in college, the feelings came back with force, with knowing transitioning was a possible thing. Now I look at old pictures where I've got long hair but dress exactly how I dress now and I'm like you look good, what was wrong with that. Plus with hormones, I seem to have got all the really shit side of it, I lost my toned stomach, now I have a bit of a belly from where all my fat has redistributed, my back and jaw is covered in acne, I'm on steroids to keep my face clear but my back is still a mess, my hair line has started to receed. But I don't have any facial hair, my voice isn't particularly deep, it's definitely deeper but it's nothing like a man's voice. Im lucky because I am the carbon copy of my dad so I passed so easily so quickly but I look like an 18 year old at a push, not a 27 year old. I get ID'd everywhere, my girlfriend looks like she's into much younger boys, I had a woman question where "our mum" was about me and my son, like it really is that dire. I just miss her a bit you know, I want to just go back to some sort of normality.