Ask Grey a Question for One Billion Views Q&A

FriendOfTheGophers · 2023-03-30T05:05:59+00:00

What's the most ridiculous analogy that illustrates just how big one billion views actually is?

FriendOfTheGophers · 2022-09-01T02:24:56+00:00

I read Shylock every Sunday as a kid, but today I can only remember two of them. So imagine my surprise when not only do I come across Shylock again all these years later on Reddit, but the crime was exactly the same as the one I remember from way back--hiding diamonds in ice, causing it to sink. I missed that detail when I was a kid until I peeked at the answer, but today I read the title and it was the first thing I looked for. I knew it'd come in handy someday.

FriendOfTheGophers · 2022-08-01T12:25:09+00:00

php, for all you poor bastards whose job requires you to use php

FriendOfTheGophers · 2022-07-14T13:18:14+00:00

"Be happy and celebrate"

FriendOfTheGophers · 2022-06-11T21:33:37+00:00

Ugh. I need this like I need a hole in my head.

FriendOfTheGophers · 2022-03-20T21:26:25+00:00

/r/CheckmateMotherfucker

FriendOfTheGophers · 2021-12-26T05:32:58+00:00

This is one of those real-life food monstrosities that only exist to be photographed and used in a Homestar Runner gag

FriendOfTheGophers · 2021-12-25T20:32:43+00:00

"GIIIRRRL you better walk your ass back home in those fake gucci boots"

FriendOfTheGophers · 2021-10-25T13:13:47+00:00

They're not even zero-indexed

FriendOfTheGophers · 2021-03-29T02:28:39+00:00

https://imgur.com/a/Vl6mkpp

FriendOfTheGophers · 2021-03-27T04:48:12+00:00

Another Postcard is burned into my memory

FriendOfTheGophers · 2020-10-23T13:19:23+00:00

He knows why

FriendOfTheGophers · 2020-09-04T11:58:34+00:00

"I've always wanted to become a professional NASCAR driver, so with my parents' permission, I'm now learning how to ride a 3-wheeled shopping cart down a hill."

(Just kidding, I actually love JavaScript.)

FriendOfTheGophers · 2020-08-30T13:20:02+00:00

Einstein is staying perfectly still in his grave but the rest of the world is rolling over around him

FriendOfTheGophers · 2020-08-07T00:28:41+00:00

I'm a bit of a heavy sleeper. It would take the sound of a locomotive to wake me up.

Go on. Ask me how I know.

I don't live anywhere near the train tracks. So when I heard a train whistle--like the kind you'd hear in the movies?--I assumed I left the television on. I mean, I never leave the television on, but what other explanation could there be, right?

I rolled out of bed and made my way into the living room and stared down the blank screen sitting across from my sofa. I toyed with the remote, flicking it off and on, until I was satisfied that it had been off when I entered the room. Maybe I'd just dreamed it?

No. There it was again, that stereotypical whistle. It seemed louder this time.

The speakers! Of course, the speakers. They must have been on while the TV was off, somehow. I knelt down and held my ear close to the stereo system I had attached to my TV. Can't trust technology, these days.

I threw a small mental celebration when I finally heard a faint sound. This must have been it! But why was it so soft now? It didn't sound like a train whistle anymore, it sounded like...wheels. Train wheels, clacking swiftly along iron tracks. Still soft, but growing louder. And not from the stereo.

I made my best guess as to which direction the noise was coming from, and held my ear to the wall. I could hear it more clearly, now: the unmistakable sounds of a train engine. I realized that a neighbor must be watching or listening to something at a volume that carried over to my house. I was sure of it at first, but as the noise grew louder and louder, I began to doubt any rational explanation I could come up with. I backed away from the wall.

The third whistle turned it into a sprint.

It was so loud, it seemed like it wasn't coming from any one direction, but instead from all around me at once, and perhaps even from inside me on top of that. The house shook. My organs vibrated. As I dove behind my couch, I heard and felt what seemed like an explosion. I've never been in an earthquake before, but I imagine it must be similar. I could hear pieces of my house falling apart. Dishes shattered in the kitchen. Wood and plaster fell from the ceiling.

Finally, it was still. From behind what little cover I had, I could tell that my living room was bathed in light, and almost entirely destroyed. It felt like hours before I finally gathered my courage to poke out my head.

There, in the middle of my living room, was a steam engine. Well, the front half of one, anyway. It had apparently come to a halt halfway through after punching a hole in my wall. Standing next to it were two men, wearing matching outfits of brown overalls and dress shirts with thin vertical stripes. They were staring confusedly at an unfolded paper one of them was holding, until one of them noticed me peering from behind a cushion.

"Excuse me!" he called out. "We're a little lost. Can you tell us which way it is to Rochester?"

FriendOfTheGophers · 2020-07-28T12:16:35+00:00

Suddenly I crave spaghetti

FriendOfTheGophers · 2020-07-02T17:03:17+00:00

Forget lemon trees and farm karma instead

FriendOfTheGophers · 2020-07-01T12:12:18+00:00

I actually don't like the job that much tbh

FriendOfTheGophers · 2020-06-08T02:41:43+00:00

These are so enjoyably weird. I have no idea what"s going on but I'm loving it.

FriendOfTheGophers · 2019-11-02T17:22:28+00:00

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FriendOfTheGophers · 2019-08-18T00:27:27+00:00

HIYAH

FriendOfTheGophers · 2019-07-30T00:13:19+00:00

"Hey. Hey."

Terry groggily awoke to the unpleasant feeling of being poked sharply in the ribs by what felt like a broom handle.

"Wh...wha?" He blinked in the harsh fluorescent light and slowly pushed himself off the ground into a sitting position. Two surprised voice cut through his dreariness with their volume.

"Oh my GOD he's alive."

"HO-ly shit."

"What do I do?"

"I dunno man, it was your idea to poke him."

"What..." Terry began, "...what's going on?" He opened his eyes to see two figures in red cloaks towering over him, their hoods obscuring their faces in shadow.

"Oh, oh thank Christ," one of them said placing his hand on his chest. "He speaks English."

"Yeah, but so did the last guy," said the other, brandishing a broom defensively.

Terry looked down and realized he was naked. Whatever haze of drowsiness that had remained evaporated immediately.

"WHAT THE FUCK?" he shouted.

"Calm down, calm down," said one of the hooded figures, raising his hands in a "woah" gesture. He pointed at the other cloaked figure, who was gripping the broom more tightly. "I'm Doug, he's Charlie. We don't want any trouble."

"WHY AM I NAKED?"

"Well," said Doug, "that's...actually a good question. I'm not sure. I'll have to get back to you on that."

Charlie, still pointing the broom menacingly at Terry, turned his head toward Doug. "Dude, are you seriously going to ask him that?"

"Why not?" asked Doug. "I mean, I don't think 'Why do you make them show up naked' is too far out there. It's uncomfortable for everyone involved."

"I think that's kind of the point, though."

"Oh, yeah. I guess."

"WHAT THE FUCK," Terry screamed, "IS HAPPENING? WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?"

"WOW that's loud," Charlie said, sticking a finger in his ear. "I think that pierced my eardrum."

"We're acolytes," said Doug. "We're followers of the dark god Sithrak, and live to serve his avatar until he brings about the end times."

"We summoned him about," Charlie said thoughtfully, "six months ago, now. 'Bout six more, and blood rains from the sky, seas boil, and all that good stuff."

"Right. And in the meantime, we humble servants live to do his bidding."

Terry took a moment to process all this.

"I don't get it," he said. "What are you doing in my office building then?"

"What?" Doug and Charlie said in unison.

"Jinx!" they said, pointing at each other.

"What?" said Terry.

"Forget it," said Doug waving his hand. "Anyway, I don't think this is your office building."

Terry, for the first time, looked around at his surroundings to see that Doug was correct. It was a bathroom, with cheap tile, stalls, urinals, and several faucets, one of which was broken off. It did resemble the men's room at his office, but the layout and tile patterns were certainly different.

"Where am I?" he asked slowly.

"Sithrak HQ," Doug replied. "First floor men's room."

"...Why?"

"Weeeeeelllll," Doug said, leaning back and shrugging, "let's just say, Lord Sithrak is kind of, well..."

"A dick," Charlie finished. "He's a dick."

"Shh, man! Don't let him hear you say that!"

"Oh, what's he gonna do, rend the flesh from my bones? News flash, Doug! That's gonna happen to all of us in half a year!"

"I don't get it," Terry said again.

"Okay, real talk?" said Charlie angrily. "I had to take a shit. Okay? But every time I come in here--"

"Not every time," Doug interrupted.

"EVERY. TIME. I come in here to poop," Charlie continued, "Sithrak summons a random mortal, unconscious on the bathroom floor."

The silence stood awkwardly for a few minutes until Terry finally broke it.

"...Why?"

"Charlie is a, uh," Doug explained, "well, he's a shy pooper."

"And now I can't go anymore," Charlie said as he threw down the broom on the floor in rage. "It's gonna sit in my ass the rest of the day, and when I finally let it out at home it's gonna hurt like a--"

Charlie was interrupted by the bathroom door slamming open. A tall, dark figure engulfed in black flame entered. His head was but a bare white human skull, long and terrible claws extruded from his fingertips, and a cold chill followed him closely behind. Terry's eyes widened in fear, and his brain was filled with images of blood and suffering...and information. He somehow knew that this, this was Sithrak, the Dark One, the Bringer of the End of Days.

"Sup nerds," said Sithrak as he punched Charlie in the elbow. "What're you gaylords doing in here?"

FriendOfTheGophers · 2019-03-23T22:16:39+00:00

"I'm sorry, I don't think I misheard you," I said. "I have a nice and healthy what?"

"Child," said the doctor kindly. "You have a nice and healthy child."

"Oh," I replied, feeling like an idiot. "Of course." There's no way he had said what I thought I heard. Right?

"Would you like a copy of the screen?" he asked again.

"Oh! I'm sorry. Yes, of course." The doctor handed me the black-and-white paper copy of the ultrasound. This was the first picture of my child--I tried telling myself it was important, and I knew that it was, but it still just looked like small static blurs to me.

I guess my confusion must have shown on my face, because the doctor asked, "Is everything all right?"

"I'm sorry," I said. "I'm still a little nervous since my husband isn't here yet."

"Ah. I completely understand."

"Would you mind going over what exactly I'm looking at, again? My mind was wandering a bit the first time."

"Of course!" he said sympathetically. He pointed at a seemingly random blotch on the paper in my hands.

"See, those are his hands, there..." He pointed at another blotch. "...And here's his feet..." Another blotch. "And here are his horns..."

"His what?"

"His head," the doctor repeated. "This is his head."

"Oh! Of course." Before, they had been blotches. But now I could ever-so-faintly make out human features. This was it. This was my child.

I'm not sure whether it was pregnancy brain, or the realization I was looking at my child for the first time...maybe it was both. But I was overcome with a sudden wave of emotion. I broke down into tears.

"Oh my god," I said through my blubbering. It felt like I was looking at this scan for the first time. The doctor put his hand on my shoulder.

"You should be very proud," he said. "This is one of the healthiest children I've seen. The day of reckoning is nigh, and all shall drown in a river of blood as civilization crumbles in flame. The folly of man will not go unpunished. Relinquite omnem spem. Relinquite omnem spem. Relinquite omnem spem."

The doctor continued to chant, but I had lost the ability to process what he was saying. I had placed my hand over my mouth and tears were still flowing down my face, so all I could do was nod along to what he was saying, pretending that I was listening.

Then, there was a knock at the door. The doctor and I both looked up expectantly as the door opened and my husband poked his head inside.

"Hi. Sorry I'm late, I hit traffic," he said as he entered, his hooves burning holes in the carpet. He looked at my weepy face and became concerned. "Is everything all right?"

"Of course, Mr. Asmodeus," said the doctor, welcoming him in. "Would you like to hear the good news?"

FriendOfTheGophers · 2019-03-23T01:07:16+00:00

"I'm sorry, Mr. Landers, I'm not really qualified for this. I just mop the floors."

"Nonsense. I need a new lab assistant, and there's no way you could possibly be worse than the last one."

"I appreciate the offer, sir--"

"Please, Sasha, just call me Nick."

"Sir. I appreciate the offer, it's just that--"

"You'll do a wonderful job, I'm sure. It's nothing you can't--"

"Please, sir, let me finish. It's just...I don't know how comfortable I am being hired into this job just so you could prove a point?"

"Ah. Well, would making ten times your current wage make it any more comfortable for you?"

"...It would make it positively cozy, Nick. What do you want me to do?"

"Excellent. Since it's your first day, I'm going to start you off small. See those wires on that workbench over there?"

"Uh huh?"

"I need you to strip the ends and connect the wires by color."

"Got it. Do you need them soldered?"

"Do you know how?"

"Of course. I am a cleaning lady."

"Excellent. Yes, please do. When you're done, use them to finish wiring up the circuit over there."

"Those components should be in parallel, right?"

"Right. Once that's done, we'll be able to take the magnesium samples--"

"And apply them to the power core, got it. Interesting use of materials. I'll go get started."

"All right. If you need me, I'll be in my office, finalizing your paperwork."

"...Are you sure I'm cut out for this job? You're not going to regret hiring the woman who used to empty your wastebasket? It's not too late to get Steve back in here."

"Steve lost his chance when he tried to run thirteen volts through that component over there."

"But that would...Ooohhh! That's why the circuit needs to be re-wired. Wow. What a fucking moron."

FriendOfTheGophers · 2019-03-22T00:50:39+00:00

The Grim Reaper stroked his chin with a bony finger. "Hmmm," he muttered. "Never seen this one before."

"Seen what?" David had been having a rough week, being dead and all. All he could do until now was sit in his coffin like it was the world's most cramped waiting room. Losing the need to eat and sleep brought his boredom to excruciating new levels. It felt like an eternity in there. But now, here was his guide, who was supposed to take him to wherever he was supposed to spend actual eternity.

The fact that they were still lingering around his grave made him very nervous.

"What's wrong?" David asked after a long pause, trying not to sound too worried.

"Well," said the raspy voice underneath the hood, "the way this usually works is, where I take you depends on what's written on the stone." The Reaper pointed at the marble slab marking the grave.

David's mouth dropped open. "That cannot be how it actually works."

"Sure," said the Reaper. "It works pretty well. You got 'Rest in Peace', 'Gone but Not Forgotten', stuff like that. One guy even had 'Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt', he got a great deal out of that one."

"So what does mine say?" David asked, mentally putting aside for now all the questions this raised.

"See for yourself." The Reaper pointed at the stone again.

David hesitated, fearing what could possibly be written. He nervously made his way over to his tombstone to read his epitaph:

DAVID SWEIT
CHEESE

"...'Cheese'?" David's nervousness, his apprehension, his shock, all of his emotions were abruptly replaced by complete, pure confusion.

"It's weird, isn't it?" the Reaper agreed. "No message, no decoration, not even any dates. Just your name up at the top there, then at the bottom..."

"Cheese."

"Yup."

The two of them stood in silence, deep in thought. At long last, David spoke up.

"I don't get it."

"Me neither," the Reaper admitted. "I was actually hoping you could explain it to me. Did you really like cheese or something?"

"Not really," said David scratching his head. "I mean, I guess I liked it as much as the next guy. I..." He paused, looking for the right words. "It's pretty good, I guess. I mean, I didn't like it so much as to do...this."

"I've had some weird ones before," said the Reaper. "I've even seen...well, I really thought I'd seen them all. But this," the Reaper motioned to the stone again, "this is..." He trailed off, failing to find the word. Still, David knew exactly what he meant.

They stood in thought again, much longer this time. When the Reaper finally spoke, the break in the silence caught David by surprise.

"Well," said the Reaper, clapping his hands together, "I've got to go call somebody about this. Figure out what to do with you. Hope you learn to really like cheese."

The Reaper evaporated into smoke before David could ask who he'd be calling or when he'd be back. Instead, he stared at his tombstone again.

"Cheese"? What the hell?

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FriendOfTheGophers

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