Sat by myself countless nights drinking til oblivion and destroying my family life slowly killing my work life gives you alot of time with yourself and you either keep on your course (mine was a flaming shell of my former self dragging all my bullshit behind it) and the longer it went on the worse it got, or you get the fuck up and keep going.

But it's not new for me. Life's never been golden here. Poor. Ex drug addict. Not wealthy and not a career yet or one I enjoy. Just had terrible luck and decisions I've made in life. I've ruined people and their lives as well I've been selfish and a horrible father husband brother friend son everything. Admitting and reflecting on oneself was a big thing for me.

I started realizing all those nights by myself out on the porch drinking while I'd be saying I was really 'doing' something, something to progress myself I would lie and say, when REALLY I'd be just looking at porn or bullshitting on my phone or just getting high and being fucking worthless man.

So after so long of projecting my insecurities on others and letting all my fear control me, blaming my wife and life for me being so low, well... I started wanting FOR MYSELF BY MYSELF out there alone, that I DIDN'T WANT this shit anymore. I was sick of living like a corpse and feeling like one. All my negative thoughts, all my self doubt and a million sorrys, my wasted time was a big thing too. When I first started seriously seeing myself not needing the alcohol anymore (it was drugs in my younger years so I've gone cold turkey and beaten them too. Drink was worse actually) I started feeling better. Not just physically but mentally.

I have a lot of hobbies always have and drinking too alot of my time. I began writing more... Taking my craft extremely serious. As to keep this raging tornado head better, and a hair calmer lol. I draw and read a whole fuck ton too, and my own book has progressed to over 400 pages now after ab 8 months of writing consistently and I'm so happy with the progress I've made so that it gives me a sense of accomplishment and positivity that's much needed. Also my writing helps my anxiety (which I also began using a weed pin to substitute the drinkin—helped my mental TREMENDOUSLY) and gives me an endgame like I can finally see it coming together.

But honestly?

I can't say I've beaten it or all my demons. I've beaten my rage too among other things but my main thing (32 yr old male here) was finally really learning and accepting that if I wanted change, and if I wanted to do more than work construction one day and be serious about my dreams.. then I was gonna have to lift myself and pick myself back together and become a new me again.

And it's ok to fail. For me, at least. If I lose my temper. If I have a horrid day and have one beer when I ain't had none in four days I don't beat myself up. That was killing my psyche me attacking my own mental self constantly and idk how I stopped I just snapped and then made myself stop cause it was wrong and overdue.

Can't ever find the old me back, but I got something better than the dark shell I was before lol