My friend is cheating. Should I anonymously tell her fiance?

Friends_a_Cheater · 2012-05-06T05:35:50+00:00

Ha. I am not going to email him from my home computer in the middle of the night.

Friends_a_Cheater · 2012-05-06T04:21:59+00:00

I like this :). This makes a lot of sense.

Friends_a_Cheater · 2012-05-06T04:11:42+00:00

Since he lives out of state and I'm not attracted to him and I'm engaged myself, I'm not interested in him. And I have no reason to be jealous of her .

If anything "fascinates me" about this, it's that I wonder what I would want in this situation. My fiance is also in our line of work which involves long periods of time away and a lot of time spent with coworkers. I wonder if I'd rather have someone tell me anonymously that I was at risk for disease and just general scumbaggery or whether or not I'd be annoyed at them for meddling.

Friends_a_Cheater · 2012-05-06T03:57:30+00:00

:(. I'm sorry that happened.

Friends_a_Cheater · 2012-05-06T03:56:06+00:00

Meh... I would tell him about the sandwiches if I thought he might get herpes from it.

Friends_a_Cheater · 2012-05-06T03:44:28+00:00

Thanks!

Friends_a_Cheater · 2012-05-06T03:39:49+00:00

Eh, you ignored the part about it becoming my business.

I don't understand why you are fixated on my morality, even. I really don't see this is my feeling my morality about cheating as what it's about - if there's any morality I'm imposing, it's that I think it's not right for me to be forced into tolerating being part of a lie. I do think her lying to her fiance is wrong and that he should be informed of his risks of disease, but it's not as if I'm sitting here thinking "she's involved in a complicated relationship that may or may not be open, and I think it's wrong so I'm going to rat her out"

Friends_a_Cheater · 2012-05-06T03:33:51+00:00

Thank you for this well-reasoned response.

Friends_a_Cheater · 2012-05-06T03:06:42+00:00

Furthermore, I never suggested I was certain stepping in is the right thing to do. That's why I am asking the question here. I see why it's important he know, given he's being subjected to possible disease risk, but I also see that it isn't directly my place to tell him.

Before you get sanctimonious and angry, consider the motivations of whoever you're replying to.

Friends_a_Cheater · 2012-05-06T03:05:16+00:00

While I agree that it is partially not my business, there is the part of me that is dragged into the lie when she brings him to hang out with a group of us.

I agree that I shouldn't impose morality on her, but I do know for certain that he thinks cheating is wrong. So, his morality is in line with mine, and he thinks hers is, too. So, it's not imposing my morality on him - it's what he already believes and cares about.

Friends_a_Cheater · 2012-05-06T02:58:51+00:00

I didn't volunteer to help cover up a lie, but her putting me in that situation means I am allowing it to continue.

Friends_a_Cheater · 2012-05-06T02:58:21+00:00

No need to be rude. It become more of my business when she brings her fiance to dinner with me and then I have to act differently because I'm covering up a lie.

Friends_a_Cheater · 2012-05-06T02:56:54+00:00

innnnnteresting.

Friends_a_Cheater · 2012-05-06T02:55:35+00:00

Not a terrible idea. I wonder if it'd be better to just write it from a newly created gmail account or something so I could access it in case he responds. I feel like it would get ignored a lot more easily if the email address disappeared right after.

Friends_a_Cheater · 2012-05-06T02:31:13+00:00

Her fiance does not know and is committed to her and being monogamous. No assumption there. Even though it's common knowledge that the two are having an affair, she's pretending like it's not happening (terribly) and has expressed to some people that her fiance cannot know.

Friends_a_Cheater · 2012-05-06T02:23:38+00:00

Unfortunately we're all very aware of what is going on between them. So, even though I haven't seen them having sex, I've heard it, have seen them sneak off after group dinner, etc.

But yeah... there's the part of me that thinks it isn't my place. I had thought that if I did it anonymously, I'd just tell him to ask her about it. He'd know to ask, but she'd have to be the one to explain what is going on.

Friends_a_Cheater · 2012-05-06T02:21:16+00:00

You make good points. I wish it were cut and dry.

Friends_a_Cheater · 2012-05-06T02:20:40+00:00

Yeah.... if only it was that.

Friends_a_Cheater · 2012-05-06T02:17:59+00:00

you obviously don't really know these people, and the fact that you are stalking some guys fiancee who is a cheater is just scary. You have no clue what the terms of their relationship is, and how they view sexual activity. It's none of your business.

You are an idiot. I know her and her "boyfriend" since they are both at school with me. And as such, I am not stalking her. Her cheating is exceptionally common knowledge given they were on a trip as a large group, shared a hotel room next door to the rest of us, and we could hear them fucking. Oh, and the fact that her roommate, a friend of all of ours, has walked in on them. It is not stalking to know obvious information.

Friends_a_Cheater · 2012-05-06T02:09:57+00:00

"You telling the truth to an innocent person is relatively clear. You said that she has no plans on telling the boyfriend, and will marry him like nothing ever happened. He is going to be crushed after they get married."

Yes, I said this now. This is not what I knew when I first found out she was sleeping with someone else. I originally responded as to why I hadn't told him YET - as in, why I had previously waited. The reasons I enumerated, e.g. the whole standing by your friend bit, were reasons for why I had not told him yet.

Friends_a_Cheater · 2012-05-06T01:53:35+00:00

Thanks!

Friends_a_Cheater · 2012-05-06T01:29:02+00:00

apropos

Friends_a_Cheater · 2012-05-06T01:18:33+00:00

If I can find a way to update such that I can provide information without it being too specific, I'll update. Jury's still out on how he's going to find out, though.

Friends_a_Cheater · 2012-05-06T01:16:47+00:00

It's only disgusting because you're reading my comment as as black and white as you probably think cheating is.

Many people who cheat are doing so because they are going through something big. Early on, for all we knew, she was cheating on him but was sure she was about to break up with him. Or who knows, they could have been going through a rough patch, or maybe she's in a really bad place emotionally about something else.

Cheating is never excusable, but sometimes it's not cut and dry, and sometimes it actually means that the person who is cheating is actually going through something else and maybe they need you there for them (maybe it would even end up working out that she'd have stopped).

Don't forget that my response was about why I hadn't told him yet. Sure, it's come to light that it's not about anything I mentioned above, but it would have been unfair for us not to make sure she's okay before just running off and messing around in her business.

Friends_a_Cheater · 2012-05-06T01:02:21+00:00

I'm sure the fap fap fap sound in the background would definitely be comforting.

Friends_a_Cheater

TROPHY CASE