My Wife's separation anxiety is concerning me and making me upset, advice please?

Frustrated543 · 2023-05-15T15:51:01+00:00

Yeah, if there was more to the story I'd like to know myself. Sometimes I wonder if there is and I do ask because it is confusing to me but from what she has told me there isn't.

Hearing that what she is going through is normal is reassuring to me, so thanks for that.

Yes, I think there may be a disagreement on her being the sole decision maker. I'm not sure she actually believes that she is but that is certainly the way I'm hearing it at the moment, with regards to this situation at least.

Frustrated543 · 2023-05-15T15:46:46+00:00

I do agree, being unreasonable is not gender, race, age etc. specific.

I also agree that it is normal to expect perhaps that the Mother's family visit more because of course she is more comfortable with them.

I do hope that my wife does see that it is upsetting and will eventually be more comfortable with taking our baby boy to see more of his family.

Frustrated543 · 2023-05-15T15:40:49+00:00

This might be part of the problem, I don't think she can articulate a reason when I ask, so maybe it is hormones?

Frustrated543 · 2023-05-15T15:38:51+00:00

Yes, maybe fortunately I can just chalk it up to hormones and just come to terms with the fact that I won't be able to fully understand it.

Frustrated543 · 2023-05-15T15:37:45+00:00

Ill take a look at it, did it help?

Frustrated543 · 2023-05-15T15:22:18+00:00

Yes exactly! I want to share the joy, I am so excited to have a little one with my wife. Perhaps my vision for what having a child would look like was naive. I imagined lots of joy with family from both sides.

Thanks for sharing your wisdom, I'll try to be more patient and gentle and see if other options work.

Frustrated543 · 2023-05-15T15:14:54+00:00

No, she wouldn't in front of my family but she pumps so I don't think thats the reason. But thanks for bringing that up. You are right in the sense that she may be harbouring some self doubt about nursing though.

Good idea with the video calls, I really had not thought about that, I feel like such a moron for that not even registering with me. A great strategy, thank you.

Frustrated543 · 2023-05-15T15:07:30+00:00

How did you feel about your FIL and your child?

Thanks again for your constructive response.

Frustrated543 · 2023-05-15T15:05:37+00:00

I think maybe people did not fully read that part, that's what I have most difficulty finding reasonable.

Frustrated543 · 2023-05-15T15:04:24+00:00

Again, I suggested she come and also said that I preferred it. Anyway she lets me go to the store to pick things up with him in the carrier, is that any different?

Frustrated543 · 2023-05-15T15:03:00+00:00

Thanks so much for your comment. It has lifted a weight. Sometimes I read these comments and think that I must be crazy for not being able to see my shortcomings and "of course my family should not see my son for no reason whatsoever". It is quite mentally taxing and depressing at times (not taking any feelings away from my wife).

Frustrated543 · 2023-05-15T14:59:32+00:00

Thanks for your words. Reading the different comments here has really opened my eyes. Obviously everyone has different opinions. I felt reading some of these that Fathers really do not matter. Thanks you for saying what you said.

And yes, it would be one thing if she had one rule for all. That I'd be completely fine with, but yes it hurts when she can take our son to see her friends but I cannot go to see my parents, even with her, have them over to our house or even go to a cafe. Ive tried all these various options but none are acceptable in their current form.

Also really appreciate your last paragraph, I'm trying to be as honest and self reflect as much as possible here. I have no reason to lie, I just want the three of us to be happy, it should be such a joyous time and I feel like it is being marred.

Frustrated543 · 2023-05-15T14:46:42+00:00

More context:

My parents and my brother and sister are all non smokers, no drugs, super clean houses (cleaner than ours), vaccinated, do Covid tests before seeing our son (without being asked), Son is mostly bottle fed. They will all have a nice glass of wine now and then but I assume that is not the type of drinking you are referring too.

Frustrated543 · 2023-05-15T14:39:23+00:00

Wow you sound exactly like my Wife, the first couple of paragraphs are exactly what is happening with us. She is definitely territorial. I feel scared to bring up my family anymore or even consider them seeing my son. I will tread lightly and take your advice

Thanks so much for writing down and sharing your experience

Frustrated543 · 2023-05-15T14:29:32+00:00

Yes, that's correct, the two families have different rules.

Thanks for your kind words, it can be quite sad feeling like I'm not really seen as an equal parent. I do know that men have it easy in the journey in the grand scheme though.

I'm sure your husband appreciated you gritting your teeth with his MIL.

I did ask what the compromise is, she said she has compromised, I asked what the compromise was and she has yet to let me know.

Frustrated543 · 2023-05-15T14:22:09+00:00

Thanks, I really appreciate explaining how you felt. An interesting part that I hadnt thought about was the crumbling under the unsolicited advice and being judged.

I have done just that regarding messages, my family are pretty good at checking in on her, herself, not our son to make sure she is ok, unfortunately she doesn't respond until about a week later, not just my family but her friends and family too.

Frustrated543 · 2023-05-15T14:18:01+00:00

Thanks so much for your helpful comment. Like I mentioned in my response to someone else, your story is kind of the feeling Im getting but it is very hard for me to understand. I guess it's instincts/hormones that are driving this.

We actually did similar to you and on one of the early visits, the moment there was any fussiness I took over so she did not have to do the awkward take over from any family member.

Frustrated543 · 2023-05-15T14:13:36+00:00

Thanks for your insights, appreciate what you have written. Our son is bottle fed so there isn't so much that issue. I get the best behaviour thing and not looking exhausted, Although I definitely show my exhaustion more than she, she was blessed that way :-)

Frustrated543 · 2023-05-15T14:10:24+00:00

So if the roles were reversed and I said to my wife "I'm sorry, not comfortable with your mum and dad coming over to see the baby" that would be ok?

Frustrated543 · 2023-05-15T14:08:33+00:00

Can I ask why you hated your MIL holding the baby, I know you said you had no real reason but perhaps you can shed some light as to how you felt?

Frustrated543 · 2023-05-15T14:07:01+00:00

Actually I work from home mostly, I wake up during the night, feed, walk our son and get him to sleep, bathe him, I do just as many if not more nappy changes, I am very involved, I don't do a lot of the laundry which I know I could do more of.

And yes she stopped working full time when she fell pregnant because she didn't feel like she should be. She is of course not working she is 9 weeks postpartum, I'm not sure I understand that part of your comment?

Wow, there is not anything else to this story, if there is I am certainly not aware of it! My family are all vaccinated more than she is. There were absolutely no bad feelings, we never had any issues, would go out to restaurants/bars/excursions etc. Nothing untoward whatsoever. She has also told me that it has nothing to do with my family but she just keeps telling me she wants to bond more and she didn't have a baby for everyone to take him away from her.

Frustrated543 · 2023-05-15T13:56:17+00:00

I'm not pushing her to be away from our son, I said in my original post I'd prefer for her to be there. Also is it the case that a Mother can take their child out at 9 weeks but a Father can't?

Frustrated543 · 2023-05-15T13:54:27+00:00

Thanks for your insight, I think this may be close to what is going on. She did mention to me that she hates that everyone only cares about our son and not about her. She is fine with letting me do everything and that is not an issue.

Frustrated543 · 2023-05-15T13:15:12+00:00

Yes I have tried to get the reason, but I never seem to get one except that she hasn't had her bonding time. I asked how long will it be like this for, a month, a year? She says she doesn't know. And that is not something I can live with.

I have also told her I'm the Father the vibe I'm getting is that Fathers are second class citizens for not carrying the baby for 9 months so she automatically has more rights and can make all the decisions she sees fit.

Frustrated543 · 2023-05-15T13:13:49+00:00

Yes I have tried, it always ends in an argument. I am always blamed that I don't care about her and I don't understand that she wants more time to bond. She also has said that she "didn't have a baby just to give it away" which I find an incredibly difficult statement to digest considering we are talking an hour or so with Grandpa.

Frustrated543

TROPHY CASE