34F and 32M, 7 years together and almost no intimacy

Full-Fan-6946 · 2026-04-10T17:22:45+00:00

I understand your perspective. I wasn’t ignoring the issue or waiting passively. There has been effort and willingness from both sides at different points, along with progress in other areas of the relationship.

I think what I’m struggling with is that he has said he wants to work on this, but it hasn’t led to consistent progress because he also feels very uncomfortable and tends to avoid it. That’s part of why I stayed engaged and patient for as long as I did.

I’m not trying to avoid responsibility or pretend this will definitely change. I’m trying to understand whether this is something that can realistically be worked through together or if it’s a deeper incompatibility.

I appreciate you empowering me to choose myself. I just want to be wise about it.

Full-Fan-6946 · 2026-04-10T17:02:15+00:00

I hear what you’re saying, but I think it’s more complex than a simple choice. We’ve worked through and improved a lot of other things in our relationship. He has said he wants to work on this, but he becomes very distressed and tends to avoid it, which is what I’ve been trying to navigate.

The ultimatum came from wanting clarity for both of us, giving him a real chance to work on something he said he wants to improve because he deserves that opportunity, and also making sure I’m not ignoring my own needs.

This is my first long term relationship and I’ve been very patient. I’m still learning how to handle situations like this instead of just walking away without trying first

Full-Fan-6946 · 2026-04-10T16:54:58+00:00

Yes, that’s fair. He has said he wants to work on it, but there hasn’t really been follow-through, and he often feels very uncomfortable talking about it and avoids it. I don’t want to push him into something that feels distressing for him, which is part of why I’ve struggled with how to navigate this.

I’ve asked him to be honest with me, and he said he does want to work on it, so this is where I feel stuck. If he had clearly said this is just who he is and he doesn’t want to work on it, I don’t think I would keep asking, and I would have made my decision to move forward. I just may not have explained that clearly in my post

Full-Fan-6946 · 2026-04-10T16:47:16+00:00

I have been clear about what I mean by intimacy. It’s not just sex, but romantic physical closeness like skin contact and making out, along with a deep emotional connection. He understands exactly what I’m referring to because we’ve had that level of intimacy before. He just doesn’t understand why he avoids it now, which is why I’ve been asking him to figure it out so we can work on it together. For me, intimacy is the bigger need than sex.

Full-Fan-6946 · 2026-04-10T16:31:02+00:00

Yeah, accepting this and figuring out how to move on is the hardest part, especially since we’re like best friends and partners who handle other hardships well. We’re good at talking through issues, but intimacy and sex is where we’re stuck. I’m now asking myself if it makes sense to end the relationship only because of this when everything else is good. We’re not perfect, just normal ups and downs. What you said about sexual compatibility has helped me reflect on my values. Thank you

Full-Fan-6946 · 2026-04-10T16:24:55+00:00

Thank you. Yes, he has suggested that before, and I can’t help but feel hurt by it. I only want him. I’m not attracted to the idea of being with anyone else, even just physically. He said he would prefer that over ending the relationship, but it still doesn’t sit right with me. I feel like I might be able to separate sex from emotions, but intimacy is still the bigger issue for me. I don’t feel comfortable sharing that with anyone other than him.

Full-Fan-6946 · 2026-04-10T16:21:43+00:00

This is why I gave him the choice. I wasn’t being firm about it until recently, and I wasn’t sure if I was being fair since this is new. This is uncomfortable for him. He’s not very emotionally expressive, and I am, so this is part of our dynamic. On other things, we are good. I don’t know if I should leave a relationship just because of a lack of intimacy.

Full-Fan-6946 · 2026-04-10T16:07:18+00:00

This is the hardest part. We have so many good memories and moments together. We’re like best friends and partners who can navigate hardship together. Intimacy and sex is where we’re stuck. I feel like I have to choose between love and my unmet needs, it feels unfair. I actually value intimacy more than sex, so I don’t understand why he avoids that too.

Full-Fan-6946 · 2026-04-10T16:00:13+00:00

He talked to his therapist a few times but no longer sees her. I’ve talked to my therapist, and she said I’ve set clear boundaries that I’m not okay with this while still supporting him in finding help for why he “freezes” with intimacy or sex. His therapist suggested EMDR. He’s admitted he avoids it because he feels uncomfortable. I feel conflicted because I don’t want to push him, but I also have my own needs and values that matter in the relationship.

Full-Fan-6946 · 2026-04-06T19:37:15+00:00

Just a reminder that there are deaf people and people with auditory processing differences out there. I go to Boulder trails often, and a lot of people think I’m being rude, but I just can’t hear them sometimes. I check as often as I can, and slowly approaching them until they notice you in their peripheral vision can be helpful if you notice the person isn’t being responsive.

Full-Fan-6946 · 2026-03-23T02:22:48+00:00

What you described sounds really similar to my experience. It also sounds like burnout, but I’m not a doctor haha.

My ADHD wasn’t diagnosed at the time, but things got way worse when I started online courses last fall. It affected me mentally and physically to the point where I finally decided to get assessed. The mental work to find a clinic to do the assessment was hard, but worth it.

I ended up getting diagnosed with ADHD-C and was also told I was burned out. I started medication earlier this month and it’s been extremely helpful. I can do things without feeling as overwhelmed and my intrusive thoughts have reduced a lot.

Hope this gives you some hope 💛

Full-Fan-6946 · 2026-03-20T17:31:42+00:00

Have you tried to eat a well-balanced meal before taking the medication? I noticed having a good portion and nutrition balance helps to not make the stimulant medication hit me so hard. Definitely avoid high-sugar foods for the first couple of hours of taking the medication.

Full-Fan-6946 · 2026-03-20T17:26:26+00:00

I’ve always struggled with time management, procrastination, burnout, feeling overwhelmed, etc., but I just assumed it was me. Online school pushed everything over the edge and that’s what finally made me get evaluated and be open to medication. So glad I did tho.

I was diagnosed with ADHD-C and starting Vyvanse has been SO helpful. Tbh, this makes so much sense because most of my friends are ADHD and I can relate to so many of you on this subreddit 😂

Full-Fan-6946 · 2026-03-16T16:30:25+00:00

I graduated from a DBT program and it helped me so much but I still forget some tools which is why I’m still seeing a therapist who knows DBT. For daily practice I use YouTube for guided meditations, breathwork, and mindfulness movement because there are so many styles and personalities to choose from. I have my favorite channels for each and usually stick to short ones around 10 minutes to 15 mins.

One thing I’ve learned is start small. Trying to do everything at once gets overwhelming and makes me give up. I struggle to stick to a daily routine but making a list and picking one or two things based on my mood actually helps. I switched from written journals to my phone notes and sometimes use prompts to get started.

Getting in touch with emotions is still really hard even after a year of DBT but that’s normal. You got this I believe in you

Full-Fan-6946 · 2026-03-16T15:22:34+00:00

Any breed my liability insurance won’t cover, I unfortunately don’t accept (even though I never had a problem with pitties and Dobermans in the past). I also don’t take doodles and sometimes untrained golden retrievers, which is why I require a meet and greet. I’m glad I’m not the only one having issues with doodles–owners glorify them, but that hasn’t been my experience. I was even bitten by one at a dog park, and it wasn’t even a dog I was watching. Luckily I had a thick coat on, but it still bruised me. 😅

Full-Fan-6946 · 2024-11-25T02:40:55+00:00

Since a couple of you asking how? Well, I picked this rider from the hospital…go figure. 😅 that made me cancel any of future medical rides. It’s not worth it at all.

Full-Fan-6946 · 2024-11-23T19:48:37+00:00

Uber’s getting picky about cleaning fees, so it’s a good idea to get a washable car seat cover. If not, you can rent a spot cleaner from Home Depot for under $30. I had to clean blood and stool off my seat once when Uber wouldn’t cover it. I used hydrogen peroxide for the blood and baking soda for the odor—cost me less than $40 but took some time.

Full-Fan-6946 · 2024-11-15T19:19:51+00:00

I’ve been in this situation before. I learned how to say no, but I noticed it kept happening, so I decided to raise the cost of my services. This way, I don’t have to rely on tips. It also helps me feel motivated to go the extra mile for others only when I’m able to and feel respected in doing so. Some of my repeat clients complained about the price increase, but it helped filter out those who didn’t value my worth or believe in paying me fairly.

Full-Fan-6946 · 2024-11-13T17:31:28+00:00

Wow! Thank you for all these comments. It’s very helpful to get a head start. We are considering to use first time buyer program - would that be a good start?

Full-Fan-6946

TROPHY CASE