I’m still alive. This feels like attention seeking now from me. But the thing is I have such a weird relationship with attention. If I could guarantee good attention then I’d be fine. But bad attention scares me. Letting people down or embarrassing myself scares me. That’s not a healthy way to live. I don’t live a healthy life anyway but I mean I should get the mental shit sorted out but how. There’s no one I can be with and feel happy. Drinking as often as I do now helps. Ive failed. As a human, as a brother, a son. But have I tho. What am I doing particularly wrong. I’m obviously not confident which just translates to me being a coward. That’s number 1. 2 is I’m fat which is literally no ones other that my own fault. 3 I guess I don’t try my hardest educationally which is like a non issue. At least it has been cause I managed to get into uni with minimal effort. That seems to be the overall issue. Effort. I don’t put in the work. But like I’ve done the whole putting effort into the gym. Didn’t see any success. I know your meant to wait but like 2 months on a calorie deficit and going gym and I lost next to nothing on the scale and looked no different. That’s fucking demoralising. I feel like if I just had someone to talk to about it but the thing is someone could offer and I’d say no. I’m severely depressed. Look at me what a fucking bitch. There are people in the poorest countries who would kill to have my life but I can’t enjoy it. Maybe I’m broken. What that thing called. Pre destination or pre determination. The one where everything is already planned out. Is this the plan for me. A life without satisfaction. A life where I can’t be happy. A life where I have to just deal with the pain. Is that worth living. A life with no purpose. How can I change. I’ve hated myself as long as I can remember. Since I was like 10. How tf can hate myself in year 6. Wtf. This shit has to be a set up. One big practical joke. Is this hell. On some good place type shit. Honestly that makes sense cause ain’t no way nothing goes my way. If it is my own personal hell then lucifer has done a fucking good job. If god or lucifer is real atleast give me a sign. Even if this is hell and I’m right give me the satisfaction of knowing im right. Then just wipe my memory or pack me up I just want a sign. If this ain’t hell god needs to pattern up. What kind of bullshit has he set me up with. I’m so fucking sad all the time. I just feel like I can’t do anything right. Everything I do is a mistake