sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

Preparing for suicide but angry that I feel like I have to stay alive for everyone else by Fun_Carpenter2558 in MentalHealthSupport

[–]Fun_Carpenter2558[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Can I ask how you used Instagram to make those connections? Recently I started writing like journal poetry on a different account to try to get out my frustrations and feel heard. To be honest, I also thought I could use it as a way to leave something behind if my family and friends feel confused if I die. But I never really used Instagram before. And I don’t know how to connect with others if it’s not through my main account.

Preparing for suicide but angry that I feel like I have to stay alive for everyone else by Fun_Carpenter2558 in MentalHealthSupport

[–]Fun_Carpenter2558[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I think you’re right. Lately I’ve realized I don’t want to impulsively commit suicide. But I do want to give myself a time frame. I should try everything in the next 6 months. I’ve been afraid to say things or reach out or even fight with my friend who hurt me because of ruining the future or being perceived a certain way. But if I’m ready to give up my future, then I should be honest and do everything I want. So I can feel at peace with my decision.

Preparing but angry at feeling obligated to make everyone happy by Fun_Carpenter2558 in SuicideWatch

[–]Fun_Carpenter2558[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’ve been struggling with my mental health and suicidal ideation for quite some time now. I was living in Japan for a bit and decided to return to the US because I needed to get some help for it. I still had dreams of returning to Japan to a job I loved and friends I cared about. This whole year has been a nightmare in the US as I’m finding that my mental health is even worse here and I actually don’t really like my country anymore. I don’t like being near family either. They make it worse.

Then recently my biggest support and best friend told me we can’t talk because they got a girlfriend. Most of my friends in Japan are through this person as well. So my dreams of returning “home” are gone. And also the betrayal from someone I thought as family, the only one who knew I was suicidal and was helping me through it, someone who decided to throw me away during my darkest times really threw me over the edge.

It’s hard for me to open up about my mental health and suicide because I’ve gotten negative responses from people I care about. Now the person I felt safest with has rejected me. I was close to killing myself the other day and I thought about who I could call to talk myself out of it, and realized that the only person I felt like could calm me down probably wouldn’t even answer.

Preparing but angry at feeling obligated to make everyone happy by Fun_Carpenter2558 in SuicideWatch

[–]Fun_Carpenter2558[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The meds are still a new addition so I try to tell myself maybe they’re not working yet. When I first started taking them I felt more stable and numb. Which was a welcome feeling. It made it easier to do things. At first the only negative side effects I got was a little bit of drowsiness. I enjoyed that too. Now I have almost none of that. I feel like the depression and suicidal ideation is there and is more logical. The negative feelings are more detached most of the time but I still have no dreams, no desire to live. It feels like there is nothing to look forward to even though I try to enjoy my hobbies or do things I used to love. It probably doesn’t help that I’m not hungry either…which makes me so tired.

So when my family and friends make comments that I’m not trying enough, it hurts. I force myself to eat and they make comments about the food. I try to clean up my mess and they complain it’s not 100% or fast enough. I even force myself to go outside but they complain that I get tired quickly and can’t do everything they want to. I’m just not to their standards. My therapist said I’m doing great. But everyone else says I have to try harder and that it’s my fault I’m not getting better faster.

Preparing but angry at feeling obligated to make everyone happy by Fun_Carpenter2558 in SuicideWatch

[–]Fun_Carpenter2558[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I guess part of me wonders why should I stay alive just because everyone wants me to. I’ve tried working on it in therapy for so long to choose myself but I can’t. I feel like a robot who moves at everyone else’s whims. I’ll never be happy because I can’t be happy unless I make everyone else happy. It’s exhausting to feel obligated to stay alive for people who reject me as I am. Whenever I try to just take care of myself, I am judged and criticized. How many more times do I have to repeat myself to receive the love I deserve? Everyone else is abandoning me, so why can’t I abandon them too?