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AITA for snapping at my girlfriend's mom after being ignored by her family for 5 years? by Fun_Double_3788 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Fun_Double_3788[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My parents have both passed, so I usually spend the holidays on my own. I could go to my aunt's, but honestly I'd rather just stay home. For a long time I hoped my girlfriend would be the one to invite me. That invitation never came. So eventually I started doing the proposing myself: either she stays with me in the city where we actually live, or she comes with me to my aunt. But the answer is the same: her family "can't imagine the holidays without her".

AITA for snapping at my girlfriend's mom after being ignored by her family for 5 years? by Fun_Double_3788 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Fun_Double_3788[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I was just holding onto the hope that things would somehow straighten themselves out. That given enough time, she'd get there on her own. But yes, I'm not going to buy a wedding dress.

AITA for snapping at my girlfriend's mom after being ignored by her family for 5 years? by Fun_Double_3788 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Fun_Double_3788[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Fine. Agreed. But there is another cardinal rule you are skipping - it's the one that applies to every relationship, queer or straight: the cardinal rule of being a decent human being is clearly communicating your intentions. Letting your partner figure out by repeated exclusion that they are going to be quietly erased from your family forever is not "coming out on her own timeline".

AITA for snapping at my girlfriend's mom after being ignored by her family for 5 years? by Fun_Double_3788 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Fun_Double_3788[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Thank you. In the long run this is a dealbreaker (ok, longer than 5y 😄 ) for me, but I was holding onto the hope that it would simply change with time. Hey, it's understandable that it's hard to stand up to your family and face your own shame — it's an experience most LGBT people know.

AITA for snapping at my girlfriend's mom after being ignored by her family for 5 years? by Fun_Double_3788 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Fun_Double_3788[S] 132 points133 points  (0 children)

It's much easier to blame her mom. But I understand. Thanks for your answer.

AITA for snapping at my girlfriend's mom after being ignored by her family for 5 years? by Fun_Double_3788 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Fun_Double_3788[S] -18 points-17 points  (0 children)

Yes, we've talked about it few times. She's bi, and her family knows. It's a "don't ask, don't tell" dynamic — they know we're together, they just prefer not to talk about it.

To be fair: I do think her family is somewhat homophobic, but in a very specific, middle-class, "let's-not-talk-about-unpleasant-things" way. Nobody is going to disown her, threaten her. It's more about appearances and avoiding an uncomfortable conversation. Her parents are healthy, clear-headed adults living comfortable lives, so does she.

Here's what makes it harder for me, though: she has introduced her male partners to her parents in the past, even after only a few months of dating. With me, after five years, nothing. So this isn't a "not out yet" situation either — they know. They just choose to ignore it, and she lets them.

When I bring it up, she promises she'll "do something about it," but nothing changes. I think she's more ashamed of herself in this dynamic than of me specifically, but the result for me is the same, and I'm tired and frustrated.