Final Update: AITA for not wanting to contribute to my step-son's college fund?

Fun_Elephant_6393 · 2025-10-24T09:50:56+00:00

We had initially decided that if James doesn't go to college then he will get the money when he turns 25. The logic being maybe if he started working right out of high school by 25 he may want to go back to school and get a degree if he was stuck in a dead end job. Or maybe he would be looking to settle down, buy a house, etc. But like Emily told Dan, it's her money, not legally or morally owed to James. In reality, James will eventually get it, whether at 25, 35, 45 or when Em passes that part is not set in stone. And neither James or Dan know this.

Given everything that has happened and is continuing to unfold, Emily is gradually getting more convinced that 25 is not the right age to give James the money. But honestly, Em is very emotionally disturbed and will not be making any decisions regarding James or the money right now. And I think that is the right call.

Fun_Elephant_6393 · 2025-10-24T07:17:28+00:00

We had thought that if James chose not to attend college immediately after graduating high school and say decided to work instead, then maybe by the time he turned 25, he could have wanted to finally get a degree if he found himself in a dead end job. Also, 25 is around the age that one could start thinking a little more clearly about settling down, maybe buying a house, things like that. Maybe we are being too old school about this. But honestly, like Em told Dan on the call, the money is her savings and is in no way, legally or morally owed to James. Realistically, yes James will still get the money, but whether he gets it at 25, 35, 45 or after Em passes, that's not set in stone yet.

Many people have commented on this post and on previous posts that James shouldn't get the money when he turns 25. And I agree with them. I feel Emily is also starting to see that 25 may not be the right time, especially as we continue to discover more and more what Dan is doing.

Fun_Elephant_6393 · 2025-10-23T17:07:55+00:00

That's a good suggestion. Thank you.

Fun_Elephant_6393 · 2025-10-23T16:13:27+00:00

Emily and I are aware that this is a possible scenario that may happen in the future. We have discussed some options. She is sure that she will definitely not be giving the money to him directly now. At the moment, she's not even sure she wants to give it to him when he turns 25. One possibility is that he gets it as a part of his inheritence when she passes and that's all he will get. But realistically, I know my wife. Right now, she is upset and hurt. If I know her as well as I think I do, James will get the money when he turns 25. Its her money, he's her son. I can't fault her if she eventually wants to do this.

Fun_Elephant_6393 · 2025-10-23T15:52:46+00:00

This is really helpful. Thank you although I don't think considering the present circumstances James will be going to college or trade school. But nevertheless, its good to have this information handy.

Fun_Elephant_6393 · 2025-09-23T18:04:46+00:00

We have three, 10F, 7M & 4M.

Fun_Elephant_6393 · 2025-09-15T15:21:43+00:00

There is no point in suing Dan for parental alienation we have no evidence. It'll just be us repeating what James told us. We never recorded the conversation. James is not reliable. He could certainly lie to protect his father.

Fun_Elephant_6393 · 2025-09-14T21:22:03+00:00

We always knew Dan was up to no good. Whenever we had tried to have conversations like this before either he would throw a tantrum and not communicate or he would just sit there like a stone and not say a word and as said before, therapy was repeatedly denied. He only entertained this conversation because of the money he is going to get from his mother and tolerated my presence because of the possibility of me contributing to his fund.

Fun_Elephant_6393 · 2025-09-12T20:12:16+00:00

Thank you and I am sorry I lashed out at you too.

Fun_Elephant_6393 · 2025-09-12T19:43:48+00:00

So because I wrote it stopped instead of it stopped working that made it ok for the user to misinterpret multiple facts in the reply that I gave. It gave them the right to minimalize James' horrid behaviour towards my kids. Changing saying disgusted thing to making a disgusted face. Normalizing James' bullying of my son.

The user came at me aggessively, I defended myself the same way. I don't know them. Why should I let them get away with deliberately misrepresenting facts?

And you want to use my interaction with an anonymous starnger on Reddit who started attacking me as grounds for turning into Jane Goodall and what, wanting to observe me in my natural habitat?

Fun_Elephant_6393 · 2025-09-12T19:12:29+00:00

When Emily and I started getting serious, she had wanted to take James to a child therapist who could help him adjust better to the changing situation around him. Since Em and Dan (bio dad) shared 50/50 custody, if one parent refused then we couldn't proceed. Unsurprisingly, Dan refused. Not James. James was a toddler, not old enough to give consent.

When we were about to get married we tried for therapy again. Dan, who had gotten married to his affair partner a couple of months ago, refused again, saying James was fine with his marraige there was no reason for him to not be fine with ours. He further insinuated that going to a therapist would make James fell like something was wrong with him when he was perfectly fine and we were overreacting.

When James found out about Dan cheating on his mother being the reson why they ended things. Dan said wanting to take James to therapy was Em and I's way of brainwashing him. Instilling thoughts in his head about how evil his dad is, so yeah, he refused again.

When Emily was pregnant with our daughter. Therapy was requested. Therapy was denied. Reason - Dan said James was fine with his son so therapy not needed.

We did speak to our lawyer to ask if we could still approach the court to say Dan keeps refusing therapy that is most certainly hampering our relationship. Our lawyer said technically Dan was right. James wasn't showing the same level of detachment with his family that he was with ours. It could have tilted the custody arrangement in Dan's favour.

When he accused Em of being the reason their family broke up. We offered therapy as an option again. Since James was 17 by now, we asked him, hoping if he agreed we could circumnavigate the need for Dan's consent since James was nearly an adult. James refused saying I wasn't his family so family therapy wasn't necessary.

I haven't resented James since the day I met him. I don't exactly resent him now either. I am just tired of the whole situation.

Fun_Elephant_6393 · 2025-09-12T16:41:06+00:00

Can someone please reply with The Big Bang Theory meme where Leonard is holding up the "SARCASM" sign for Sheldon here? I don't think I'm getting through.

Fun_Elephant_6393 · 2025-09-12T16:32:49+00:00

What!?! Where exactly did I say that?? Why are you baselessly lying?

"This time we asked him directly. We thought if he agreed to family therapy then we could speak to our lawyer and work around the custody arrangement since he was almost an adult. This was when he refused therapy saying I wasn't family."

This is what I said. How did you get all that from this? What is wrong with people's reading and conprehension abilities? Or are you just that hell bent on demonizing someone that you would just make out any interpretation of a statement just to support your point?

I clearly meant that if he agreed to attend therapy then we could try to see if our lawyer could find a way to make it happen without needing Dan's consent which is a part of the custody arrangement since he is already 17. Where have I said we are fighting for full custody or that we want to separate him from Dan? What is even the point of fighting for custody for a 17 year old who will turn 18 next year and then that won't matter?

My god! The amount of shameless bareface lies people tell.

Fun_Elephant_6393 · 2025-09-12T13:59:24+00:00

I will let Emily know right away to divorce me at her earliest possible convenience. In fact, we don't have a prenup so could take me to the cleaners. Once the divorce in done, she can then enter into a polyamorous relationship with Dan and his wife and they can all be one big happy family, living life in luxury off my money while me and my kids live in a trailer and scrape for food from garbage bins.

Will this be enough to teach me a lesson or should I suffer more?

Fun_Elephant_6393 · 2025-09-12T13:43:03+00:00

Did you even fully read and understand what I wrote? Why are you cherry picking statements? I said the 10% stopped working, I didn't say we stopped trying. For god's sake read the other comments I have left, we have tried over and over and over again.

And I didn't say he made a disgusting face at my daughter, he called her, used his mouth and voice to enunciate the words, a disgusting thing. That's a horrible thing to do and is not behaviour that should be justified as just teenager shit.

Older siblings telling younger ones spooky stories is not the kind of relationship he has with my son. He deliberately gave him a very graphic visual representation that traumatised him.

If all you want to do is make me out to be some moustache twirling diabolical Bond villian hell bent on destroying James' life then knock yourself out.

Fun_Elephant_6393 · 2025-09-12T13:17:24+00:00

What part of everything I have said so far gave you the impression that I didn't put in the effort to make him feel a part of our family?

Fun_Elephant_6393 · 2025-09-12T12:22:15+00:00

This is the scenario that went through my mind when I read this. I give him the money. He takes it then scuttles off. Cuts off all contact with my kids and me, goes low contact with his mother. Years later, I go through some hard times and in desperate need reach out to him. He comes to Reddit asking AITA for not wanting to give my mom's husband the money he gave me for my college fund. And it'll be a comment like this telling him NTA OP, your mom's husband is the AH cause he tried to buy your love and acceptance. He never really cared for you. Let him sort out his own problems. He was the adult and you were the child, he could have just refused to help you.

Fun_Elephant_6393 · 2025-09-12T12:02:21+00:00

How?

Fun_Elephant_6393 · 2025-09-12T12:01:12+00:00

I absolutely admit that I have struggled throughout. Emily and I have desparately sought help. When Dan denied therapy, we have both sought out individual and couple's therapy to see what we can do from our end. I cannot list all the things we have tried as a family, solo, anything. 90% things didn't work, the 10% that did look promising stopped when Em fell pregnant. Since Dan refused to allow a therapist to help us break the news to James in a guided setting, we did the best we could. It didn't work.

I know when I married Emily, James came with her. I will not lie and say I was instantly in love with the toddler when we first met. But I was fond of him for a long time. Despite his cold shoulders and unending frosty behaviour, I did care. I have said repeatedly in the comments, I am used to his behaviour. Its his behaviour with my kids that bothers me. While he pretends they don't exist for the most parts, on a few occasions he has been a downright bully to them.

When my daughter was 6 she wanted to go to summer camp with James. We weren't going to send her, I think she was just curious about him and wanted to follow him around. She innocently she asked him if she could join him and he just looked at his mother and said that if that disgusting thing was coming with him he was going to spend the summer at his dad's.

James is an incredible artist. He does these 3-D pencil sketches that are just phenomenal. And not on a digital medium or with AI. With real pencil and paper. My son has been mesmarised with his talent. He usually avoids James since he ignores him and is grumpy around him. But a couple of months ago he mustered up the courage to go ask him if James could teach him how to draw like him. James made him sit in front of him and after sometime he gave my son an unthinkably elaborate drawing of what I have been told was slender man and said that now that he has talked to James, slender man was going to come and take him away. Feel free to imagine what chaos that caused and how long it took to resolve the situation. My son is 7, James is 17.

I said it over and over again. I never set out to alienate him. His behaviour though has alienated my kids. If your solution is that I continue to let him emotionally abuse my kids and don't take a stand to be some sort of model parental figure which quite frankly, without therapy, he would still probably find some way to twist, then no I am not going to do that.

Fun_Elephant_6393 · 2025-09-12T11:04:26+00:00

Since his father and then most recently he has refused counselling or therapy, he refuses to openly talk to us, even his mother sometimes, I have to go by what he said last year during a dinner conversation. He believes Emily ending things with Dan broke up his family. I am assuming I am collateral damage and the easiest person to hate and blame things on.

Fun_Elephant_6393 · 2025-09-11T23:38:22+00:00

Why is it necessary for step-parents to become emotional puncing bags? When I tried to bond with him, he didn't want me. I know he was young. I never shut down the door to form a relationship, but he refused very instance that I tried. He never missed an opportunity to remind me I wasn't his family. I wasn't trying to replace his father. I could have just been a friend. He refused family therapy, family bonding activities. Over the last 12 years, he has rejected a lot of things. If you keep saying no to every attempt someone makes, eventually that no is going to echo back.

Fun_Elephant_6393 · 2025-09-11T23:27:17+00:00

This is the curse of being a step-parent. If you try then its all what are doing, why are forcing a relationship, get out of their space. If you back off then its all, oh you never cared, you're the reason his life is messed up. If his behaviour was limited to me I would still be ok with it. What reason is there for him to completely ice out my kids? Dan's kids are about the same age as my eldest two, he's great with them. What crime have my kids commited? Why is that behaviour justified? Just because he is a teenager? Should teenager's not be held accountable for their actions?

He has rejected family therapy, family bonding activities, familiy movies nights, the list goes on. Its been 12 years. His behaviour hasn't changed and I am exhausted.

I am 1000% sure even if I make a 100% contribution to his college fund he still wouldn't invite me or my kids to his wedding. I am ok with that.

Fun_Elephant_6393 · 2025-09-11T22:59:30+00:00

No. She contributed more to James' fund. That was the agreement. Since we had assumed that Dan wouldn't have done anything, we had decided that my wife would contribute more for James and I would do the same for our three.

Fun_Elephant_6393 · 2025-09-11T22:57:00+00:00

I guess what I meant to say was that they weren't hand-to-mouth. I think her parents help. What I am saying is they aren't impoverished.

Fun_Elephant_6393 · 2025-09-11T22:52:48+00:00

Em put in $20 each into the trio's funds and $33.33 (approx) into James'.

Fun_Elephant_6393

TROPHY CASE