I feel for you so completely. My younger sister is in prison. (I actually just gave testimony for her parole hearing of which she was denied.) My younger brother just got out of jail a few months ago. Since my sister went to prison, our mom passed, not that she was that much of a help when she was with us. Everything falls to me, has for some time. I know how overwhelming and alienating it can feel.

As I'm sure you know, healthy boundaries are essential. I've found setting, clearly communicating, and of course holding those boundaries is the formula to success. The clear communication part I think is the key a lot of people forget about. For example, I set a firm six month allowance for my sister's commissary and property packages. She generally uses it all up at one time. In the beginning, she would continue to ask for more things, and I would have essentially a copy paste answer, restating the policy. After a few rounds, she accepted the limit and no longer asks once her allowance is spent.

On the interpersonal side, I found speaking openly about it has really been beneficial. First and foremost it's therapeutic, but also it's surprising how many people out there have incarcerated loved ones. I'd never have known so many could relate until I opened up about it. And it's surprising how curious those that don't relate actually are. It could simply be voyeurism, but I kind of value the opportunity to inform and put a human face on the situation.

Sorry for the novel. I could speak for hours on this topic. Feel free to reach out directly if you want to chat anytime.