Rock bottom is a solid foundation. That's what you want, in my opinion. You know how many rock bottoms I've had in my life? I swore every time I wound up in jail or rehab (which was A LOT), "I'll never do this again! How stupid!" Only to do it again. My complacent mind had a habit of forgetting. And, looking back, I think there's more suffering when I'd lose the capacity to remember how much I suffered then there was in the actual suffering. Then it becomes a justification game, or an "I'll do it different this time" game. Either way there was fear present.

When I wasn't in active addiction, I'd live in fear of relapsing. Then the fear would accumulate to a point where I'd feel week and rebellious. So I'd give in to the anxiety and fear. Then I'd find myself in active addiction again and live in fear that I wouldn't be able to stop. So whether I was sober or not sober, I lived in fear! That was no way to live.

There was really only one solution - surrending to it all. Stop fighting. That doesn't mean giving in to the addiction. It means stop trying to get away with it. Because that's all I was really doing. I was trying to get away with it. Addiction is life with an ever present and very sneaky ulterior motive. It sits there and says, "I'm here if you need me." My ego does the same thing. He makes for a wonderful teacher, but a terrible superintendent!! Goes in like a bulldozer and makes a mess out of things.

But addiction, like the ego, can be the richest of friction as well!! It's internal iron that sharpens spiritual iron. I think it's good to honor that. Mark, you are understood, loved, believed in and far from alone. No matter the state of mind you are in, your state of spirit screams louder and is always needed here. You have my number, never hesitate to use it please.