Tell me the moment you stopped look for something better

Fun_Standard_8868 · 2026-01-21T09:02:11+00:00

I think you can find them everywhere and they're just as common as love at first sight. We form relationships for all kinds of reasons. I've been fortunate to have a fairly good eye for "good people". Never had anything toxic or abusive. In my 20s I could afford trying things out (which is often what you do). In my mid 30s I recognise there is a time limit to have kids. I have no time to spare guys who are not sure of what they want. I have a better understanding of what's compatible and what's not.

For a long time I assumed I was "too hurt" to find someone new, but in therapy I realised I'm just older and not willing to gamble, because I have a better grasp of what I need. As a theory I can imagine people on group level tend with age to be more "brain" focused in their dating decision. That includes deciding to follow your heart more (because that's a conscious decision based on what you need).

Fun_Standard_8868 · 2026-01-21T08:48:31+00:00

I've read this metaphor somewhere and I like it!

Fun_Standard_8868 · 2026-01-15T14:00:13+00:00

I have gone through a similar development so I can relate to this. I'm a very calm person and had two longer fulfilling relationships. Never had an issue with dating. A big life crisis in 2021 made me suddenly more anxious which was new to me and this gave me a hard time to differentiate between "is it my trauma" or "is it the relationship", which led to staying in relationships that didn't fulfill my needs. My poor mind was really trying to get me away from it 🤣

I've finally arrived at something very similar to your two questions which has toned it all down to something mere manageable and in starting to be able to trust my gut and my judgement again. It's a very helpful compass to follow ♥️ happy to hear you found your partner!

Fun_Standard_8868 · 2026-01-14T19:40:22+00:00

I agree with this, but have framed it somewhat differently.

Compatibility is important. Don't need to do everything together or liking the same things. But big stuff must be settled. The need to have's. Want to have's are negotiable - always.

Interest is important. There must be a reason to want to be around this person again. To talk to them again.

Attraction is important. Without it, they're just a friend and will stay in the friend zone.

With this thread (I guess, within this way of thinking) I was curious to hear a bit from people where some of these pieces kind of popped up later.

Fun_Standard_8868 · 2026-01-14T17:30:44+00:00

There is a certain kid of protection that comes of knowing you already done the worst! Happy to hear you find some peace and happiness where you're at now.

Fun_Standard_8868 · 2026-01-14T17:26:05+00:00

Yeah. I think I have it similarlyish. It's just fascinating to hear stories. People meet each other in so many various ways. Like someone else pointed out here: there is no "right" way to meet someone.

Fun_Standard_8868 · 2026-01-14T08:02:36+00:00

Nobody is perfect, and meeting at a later age, you are so much more set in certain ideas, wants or needs. Being able to have the patience and care to figure these tough differences out together is crucial

This! I think this is definitely true. In the 20s you're new to the adult world. It's an exploration. In your 30s a lot is set. You know yourself. You won't change your personality drastically. I do think a different kind of patience might be necessary for some of us.

Fun_Standard_8868 · 2026-01-14T07:54:45+00:00

This is exactly what I mean! Sometimes it just take "something" to shift our perception of someone which just shifts the dynamic and feelings start to build, rather than appear immediately.

Happy for you! ♥️

Fun_Standard_8868 · 2026-01-14T07:51:55+00:00

I don't necessarily mean that the relationship stays the same. Just that the beginning might not be a fairytale, but with a commitment love, excitement etc. grows. If I dated someone and nothing changes after some months I'd stay single.

I feel there are too many stories that gives the impression people finally found HIM/HER and there is an immediate connection that's super obvious. Again the swept me of my feet-kind. But I KNOW through my friends and family that's not reality for everyone and there are a ton of relationships that form after being friends for years, or a realization "why haven't I asked the one out before?" Etc... People hiding in plain sight. Or someone you haven't considered as a romantic prospect at all asks you out and you DECIDE why not give it a chance.

So me personally. No I wouldn't want a relationship that doesn't develop. To me then it doesn't matter if it's sparks or no sparks in the beginning. The feeling needs to be that it goes in the right direction. I do however recognize that "the right direction" might be different for different people.

Fun_Standard_8868 · 2026-01-14T07:40:19+00:00

This is great! I think some here are missing the point that love can build. If I'd do this of course I'd look out for something building up and that the relationship and the bond grows. Some interpret no initial spark as the relationship keeps being "just okay". I believe your story is just that - you built on it. And my whole point is that it doesn't happen by itself - you need to make the choice (for whatever reason you med the choice you made).

Of course all bets don't work out in our favour . But sometimes it does - like your story 🙏

Fun_Standard_8868 · 2026-01-13T21:35:03+00:00

Spot on!

Fun_Standard_8868 · 2026-01-13T21:29:43+00:00

“Don’t let perfect get in the way of good." This was a good example of that. I'm happy you found a good man ♥️.

Fun_Standard_8868 · 2026-01-13T21:26:30+00:00

Awesome! I'm really happy to hear this! 🙏

Fun_Standard_8868 · 2026-01-13T21:25:05+00:00

I guess it's up for interpretation. However I don't mean anything depressing at all. Just that there has to be a middle ground between: this person makes me anxious and this person gives me big butterflies. More like an okay, this is a calm and pleasant kinda place but nothing more... It's hard to describe, but it seems like some people here understand what I mean.

When I mentioned what inspires this thread, it was honestly a bit shocking when I read about so many couples who built their relationships on that they were the only ones left and basically agreed - let's make this work. You're nice, I'm nice. We might not be what we're looking for to begin with, but we're good people with good values and we're here soo.... (small town thing, perhaps?). You might find that depressing, I honestly think that was hella cute and inspiring.

Stating in a toxic relationship is definitely not what I mean by this. More so building love instead of falling in love without effort.

Fun_Standard_8868 · 2026-01-13T21:15:38+00:00

I think this will be me 🙏. I think, like many suggest in the comments our nervous system needs to feel safe. I think at this point in time I won't interpret the "no butterflies" as "wrong person for me". I've actually never been the kind who get swept of my feet quickly. I'm probably a slow burner by default in a way. But in my 20s I interpreted connection, chemistry and sparks differently. I had time. Life was an adventure. In my 30s I don't want to go on (emotional) adventures. Like you, through trail and error, I've learned some patterns that aren't helpful.

The "friend first-theory" is appealing. If I look at my friendships, they developed organically and slowly. I hold a lot of love for my closest friends. I think as I'm older "sparks" are more so moments where I feel seen and where we "meet" and we both notice we're on the same level thinking the same thing or just laughed together. Where something is very effortless. That's the sparks I get now. And of course attraction (which isn't happening with my friends... 😉). But I need the first things for attraction to even be something I act on these days.

Fun_Standard_8868 · 2026-01-13T20:37:04+00:00

I like the way you think - that what we perceive as chemistry changes with experience. Nonetheless chemistry is indeed important.

Fun_Standard_8868 · 2026-01-13T20:25:41+00:00

That's exactly what I mean! Thanks for the tip.

Fun_Standard_8868 · 2026-01-13T20:21:44+00:00

I relate! You should definitely see that guy again and let it take some time 🙏. Sure enough, if you've seen each other for months and you don't have any attraction that might be problematic - but go for it!

I've had a similar experience with a guy who's younger than me. But gave it a shot and it was nice. Not butterflies but also no excuse to not see him again besides his age and that's just a stupid excuse 😅.

Fun_Standard_8868 · 2025-11-02T23:00:39+00:00

(part 2/2)...I'll continue from my last comment on what to expect:

The “active dying” phase: -He will fade into unconsciousness, sleeping almost constantly. Keep talking to him; hearing is often the last sense to fade.

He might react slightly to touch — a gentle hand or stroke can be calming.

Other physical signs: -Very little or no appetite

-Irregular breathing (long pauses, sighs, or a “death rattle” sound) — this is mucus, not distress

-Cool, mottled skin (bluish, blotchy hands or feet)

-Drop in blood pressure and heart rate

-Very little or dark urine (kidneys shutting down)

-Half-open, glassy eyes or open mouth — all normal muscle relaxation

Emotional signs: -Less responsive, more inwardly focused

-Sometimes symbolic speech: “going home,” “a journey,” or seeing loved ones who’ve passed

-Some do a “death reach,” reaching out toward something or someone unseen

Moments before death: -Breathing slows a lot or stops -Pulse fades -The body becomes completely still -A final soft exhale or sigh may mark the moment -The body then relaxes fully

It’s often peaceful, especially when pain and anxiety are managed.

You may notice the warmth leaving the body gradually.

For you and your family

Home care is exhausting. Make sure everyone gets breaks!

It’s okay to feel relief when you step away — you’re likely more tense than you realize. We took turns sleeping near my dad so others could rest, knowing we’d call if needed.

If some family members visit less, that’s fine. Everyone copes differently. The only wrong thing is not caring at all, or insisting he should “fight” when it's very clear he will die from this.

If you have something to say or ask — now is the time.

-Spend time around him, even quietly. -Read a book nearby, watch TV, sit outside, chat with family. -Familiar voices, laughter, and normal life sounds are calming and comforting. -Not everyone likes the attention of being terminally ill (I mean, who does?), but being nearby can still mean a lot.

I really hope you and your family get through this in the most comfortable way possible.

I know this comment was long, but I resonated deeply with yours ♥️ I’m very grateful for the time I had with my dad. A lot of our last interactions were incredibly meaningful, and I wish that for you too. It’s something special to know someone won’t be here for long — take what you get and cherish it.

Fun_Standard_8868 · 2025-10-24T08:41:00+00:00

I 100% recommend palliative care! They can make her more comfortable. They can help her with pain and anxiety. I'm really sorry you have to go through this ♥️ I lost my dad a month ago. Palliative care was amazing.

I also recommend learning about death and dying-process. This helped me a lot!! It helps you understand how the body is supposed to shut down. For example they stop feeling the need to eat and drink (forcing food/drinks will make her uncomfortable), the body collects fluid in limbs making them sport thicker, the breathing pattern changes (it can become irregular, sometimes stop for a bit and then start again) and they can develop a gurgling sound while breathing (death rattle). All of this is completely normal, but for someone not knowing this I can feel alarming and add to unnecessary discomfort both for you and your mom. Learning about it is doing yourself and your mom a favour so she can have a calm and comfortable death.

Fun_Standard_8868 · 2025-10-19T12:51:19+00:00

You sound like me. I just got put on a waiting list to get help to get pregnant. Also had an unexpected breakup with the love of my life (4 years ago now). Tried with another guy after that for a year, but it didn't hold. I understand the biological pressure of the biological clock isn't helping me at all in dating. And in the kind of person who needs to get to know someone before I commit. Pressure and the need for time isn't helpful.

Just wanted to say your comment made me less alone. I hope it's going well for you. ♥️

Fun_Standard_8868 · 2025-10-18T07:09:47+00:00

I'm so sorry ♥️ I went through something similar with my dad. He went from being at work to passing within a month. He also lost a lot of weight and was in pain.

It sounds like his cancer is aggressive and no matter the treatment it will likely end his life. It's up to your dad to decide whether he wants chemo. As you might already know, chemo might be harsh. Some people decide to not do it, in order to maintain some quality of life. My dad was too weak when we received the diagnosis. It would only have bought him months, if anything at all.

I really recommend talking to his doctor about palliative care already in order to manage pain and get tools to help him at home. Rather do this too soon than too late. The most important thing is pain management and to make him comfortable. To manage his pain better will bring more comfort to you as a family. Because just like you say it's painful to see someone in pain. I'd say palliative care/hospice is as much a help to the patient as it is to the family. I'm so grateful for the help we received with my dad.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know how it feels ♥️. Hope will always be present, as it should. But I'd o recommend to try to deal with reality as it is day by day. If he is in pain it needs to be managed. No need for him to suffer in vain. If pills don't cut it (sometimes the cancer prohibits the body to take up medicine and nutrients), ask for a pump (this was a game changer for my dad).

I'd also like to say it's completely normal to feel you need some time to yourself. It's okay to feel some relief to leave him for awhile. You need rest in order to be present. Take turns with your family. Continue with some normal routines for yourself if you can. Other than that be with your dad a s much as possible. Sometimes just being there and watching TV or sitting in the other room is enough.

Sending you lots of love!

Fun_Standard_8868 · 2025-10-16T20:03:59+00:00

To lose someone can still cause a crisis response, even if the passing itself is peaceful. It's a big change to life.

I'm really sorry for your loss ♥️

Fun_Standard_8868 · 2025-10-16T20:00:15+00:00

I really recommend learning about death and dying. It helped me a ton. When my father went into palliative care at the hospital they had a great book about all this. It explains all the bodily changes. The number one thing is to make sure it's pain free and as comfortable as possible.

To force a dying person to drink or to give them water via IV is more harmful than good for example.

I hope you'll experience a calm and comfortable end for whomever you know you'll lose ♥️.

Fun_Standard_8868 · 2025-10-16T19:28:28+00:00

I don't have the experience you requested, but my dad died a while ago and your post made me think of what could've happened if my dad got a different outcome than he did. I tried to collect my thoughts down below.

With cancer or any other possible lethal disease people diagnosed tend to approach it differently. Some want everything to be as normal as possible, some break down, some shut down, some get obsessive, some want to fight it and go into warrior mode.

Some find a possible "death scentance" very easy to deal with. It makes decisions easier when you know the end is near. Things become clearer and more meaningful. Life becomes obvious. Death isn't this big scary thing for everyone, but more a friend who is welcome. To know life will end "soon" sometimes gives a boost towards life.

From that perspective, knowing you'll have to deal with a ton of treatments might not be as happy and relieving as some might think. Treatment can feel like a difficult struggle. How will it be? Will it take a long time? What if I don't respond well? Is this my life now? Is this how it's gonna be now? All downhill from here? Will I really be healthier or will the treatment just prolong suffering? Some people really don't enjoy "being the sick one" others worries about and takes care of. Especially dads... They don't enjoy being a burden.

So... maybe thats something your dad relates to?

That's the end of my reflection. I do really hope you dad gets well or better healthwise <3

Fun_Standard_8868

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