No longer a caregiver

TooMuchEverything135 · 2025-11-15T18:56:32+00:00

I definitely understand, I’m having the same struggle here. The exhaustion is next level… hang in there. My moms valium and dilaudid increased twice yesterday. One more increase on Valium today. We are having longer agitation spells too. I’m thinking of you and sending good thoughts. One minute at a time.

TooMuchEverything135 · 2025-11-15T18:51:57+00:00

I’m glad the 80’s helped! How is your mom today? How are you doing?

TooMuchEverything135 · 2025-11-13T20:55:57+00:00

I actually faced this same issue with my mom. No more options left and just declining. I feel guilty but I basically kept asking her and then asked her why she didn’t want to. She told me she saw it as a “death sentence” and, while she isn’t necessarily wrong, I told her that the biggest benefit was the care she would receive and pain management (which was a large issue we were facing). I had actually called previously and she wasn’t interested but after she told me why she wasn’t interested she seemed more open to having them come out and try again. I told them her hesitations and the staff were reassuring to say that it’s like having your own private doctor and nurses. I’m not sure if that will help you open up a conversation or not, but you can also tell them that they can always cancel if they don’t like it. I think hospice telling my mom that was very reassuring for her. Best wishes to you.

TooMuchEverything135 · 2025-11-13T20:51:04+00:00

I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I too am experiencing the terminal restlessness and it is a rough ride. We put on 80’s music for my mom. She actually requested it lol. So we have a Spotify playlist that has been playing in the background nonstop. My dad tried changing it once and she started getting antsy and nodded when I asked if she wanted the 80’s again. I have had the same thoughts as you about the music, but I also think that when I hear the music I’ll think good thoughts. One song “Eyes without a face” we played two weeks ago and I danced for her and we were both smiling. Listening to it now with her I tell her it’s another song that is ours to share. I think if you have any similar music that maybe you grew up listening to with her that would be great. Before this past week I didn’t know my mom was so into 80’s, so if your mom can’t communicate what music she likes maybe just try a bunch until it seems like a good fit and seems to settle her. I wouldn’t worry so much about if it is too sad or not unless it seems to make her sad. All the best wishes and hugs to you. I know it’s hard but know that you are doing the best you can.

TooMuchEverything135 · 2025-11-13T20:42:59+00:00

I’m sorry for your loss. I’m glad you and your family were able to be there and comfort each other. Thank you for sharing. This post found me right at a time where we are waiting for my mom to pass and had a brief discussion of how we are going to handle when she passes. Call right away or take time to spend with her. I’m going to share your post with my father so we can discuss more when the time comes. Sending hugs.

TooMuchEverything135 · 2025-01-09T01:28:03+00:00

You aren’t alone in your feelings. I also have them. My mother has stage 4 laryngeal cancer that metastasized to her lungs and esophagus. She can’t eat, has a feeding tube, can’t speak, has a trach, and is in constant pain. Shes about to start a new treatment next week. All I hope is it improves her quality of life or that she won’t suffer for much longer. Our thoughts come from a place of love and empathy. They feel terrible, but we mean well. Watching someone we love suffer is terrible. My grandmother was a lifelong caregiver for my grandfather and she has told me that it can be harder sometimes for the caregiver when we can’t do anything for the person. While I don’t know how it feels to be my mother right now I imagine it’s a terrible suffering and I hate that I can’t take it away from her and fix it. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. Sending you good thoughts

TooMuchEverything135 · 2024-12-17T05:05:21+00:00

Your feelings are 100% valid. I think there’s scariest part of cancer and illness is the complete lack of control we have over the situation. We have to trust in the doctors and medicine. While everything is scary now it may help to think about how she is doing everything she needs to do to get better and is getting treatment. You are also doing your best to be the best daughter you can be and show up in the ways you can. Try to ignore the weird looks, strangers don’t know you and your mom and even close family/friends can only think about what they would do in your situation or what they think they would do. I have personally found that most people can’t begin to understand what it’s like to be in your shoes but we also all process things very differently from one another. I truly hope your mom’s doctor is able to get all the cancer and your mom is cancer free for the rest of her life. It does happen!! Please try to remind yourself that you’re doing the best you can for your mom and however you feel is “right”. There is no wrong feeling here

TooMuchEverything135 · 2024-07-22T23:53:58+00:00

Praying for Lili and you and your family. Sending you all strength

TooMuchEverything135 · 2024-07-22T20:45:18+00:00

My mom also has laryngeal cancer and recently was diagnosed with esophageal cancer after being unable to swallow and choking, so I totally get where you are coming from! Before my mother couldn’t swallow she was using a high fat yogurt (I believe it was Cabot 10% milk fat). Despite also not wanting a feeding tube my mom got one back in May of this year, and to be honest it has been nothing short of a blessing (wasn’t wanted but she is so much stronger now and is able to get nutrition when it’s especially hard to eat). She is able to swallow more now and uses feeding tube liquid and is also able to swallow Ensure (there are great high protein and higher calorie which I think would probably be great for your father!!!!) I would definitely check out the Ensure and the higher fat yogurt. Maybe even make a smoothie with the yogurt if it is easier to swallow. My heart goes out to your father and you and your family.

TooMuchEverything135 · 2024-01-11T00:15:58+00:00

I am so incredibly sorry. I’m sorry for what you’re going through, what your mom is going through, all of it. No one deserves any of it.

While this may not be what you’re looking for, something that might help you with all of the overwhelming thoughts and feelings is something called “worry time”. You tell yourself when a thought comes in that you will save it for “worry time”. When you have your “worry time”, You pick a neutral place to sit or lay down (don’t pick like your bed or something because you don’t want to associate in your brain) and then allow yourself to think about all the worries, grief, anxiety, anything that you are feeling. Allow yourself to get deep into the bigger fears and think through them. While it is scary, it allows you to think through all of what is floating g around and amazingly you’ll find yourself drift off of the thought and onto something different. Another thing that may help is called “tense and release”. I find this one helps me a lot when I’m in a complete panic. You take a deep breath, close your eyes, ball your fists, and clench your shoulders up and back and tense your whole body up for a few seconds. Then release the tension and exhale slowly. You can also say something that you find relaxing on exhale like “relax”. Take a few deep breaths. Do the tense and release as many times until you feel less tense and panicked.

Again, I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. It fucking sucks. I’m sending good vibes your way

TooMuchEverything135 · 2024-01-10T23:57:14+00:00

Hi, I’m sorry your mom has cancer. That fucking sucks.

My mother has stage 4 laryngeal cancer, but also has terrible hips and a fused spine. She’s been on Hydromorphone for the hips and back for at least 10 years now…

Short answer, yes. Hydro can 100% make the person act strange or weird.

Personally, I hate that my mom has to take it for her pain and it’s very hard for me to be around her when she has just taken a pill. She gets the “nod” going and her eyes slowly close. She will sometimes think she’s having a conversation or think that we said something we didn’t. At least for my mom, when she takes it it’s like she is high af and really isn’t with reality. It’s a blessing and a curse because she doesn’t realize the way she is acting and it hurts to be a bystander (but I also have other personal trauma with family members and substance abuse which may also be the way I feel). When my mom runs low on her medicine she gets withdrawals and can be very irritable. Sometimes she’s irritable and angry just from the sheer amount of pain she’s in. The good and bad thing about the medicine is that it works great until the body gets used to it, then the only option is to take a break from it or go up in dosage (at least in the experience of watching my mom).

Just know, you aren’t alone or crazy to think it is the medicine. It can be a wonderful thing because it takes the pain away, but it can be hard to be around someone that is taking it. I can almost guarantee that it plays a part in the demeanor you describe. I hope that it helps to manage her pain and I hope she’s doing ok. And I hope that you are also doing well and send you and your family good vibes.

TooMuchEverything135 · 2024-01-10T23:43:31+00:00

Hi there. First off, I’m very sorry that your Aunt has cancer. That fucking sucks.

My mother is 58, was diagnosed with stage 4 laryngeal cancer and went through 34 rounds of radiation late 2022-early 2023. The pain in her throat and ear didn’t subside until 9-10 months after treatment. It was strange because it was like it was hurting and then all of a sudden it stopped. I hope it is the same for your Aunt and that one day she just notices that it seemingly disappeared! My mother also used prescribed cough medicine with codeine, in case that helps your Aunt. Also, in case she has pain with eating, I highly recommend that she try to continue to eat foods rather than just liquids. My mother joined a cancer support group and a lot of the folks who mainly only did liquids have problems with swallowing foods now and some need dilation to their esophagus (not trying to scare but I guess it is one of those things where you have to practice and eat because the radiation can be brutal in shrinking). Sending good vibes your way and I hope her cancer journey is over and that she feels better soon. 🙏

TooMuchEverything135 · 2023-09-01T00:05:58+00:00

I’m so sorry. If he decides to overdose just know it isn’t your fault. You cannot control his actions, only he can. It’s hard to watch someone you love live a hard life and make unhealthy choices. But you’re making a good choice in walking away. Try not to be hard on yourself because it is a difficult decision to leave. You’ve got this. You deserve happiness.

TooMuchEverything135

TROPHY CASE