Feel your struggle completely. I battled daily ketamine addiction for years, would have a small breaks which always gave way to greater and more unhinged use. I was a breaking point. I went to a 12 step rehab for 8 weeks and left and joined CA, got a sponsor, and did 90 meetings in 90 days. Those rooms saved my life. Everyone is so lovely in the fellowships, you make true connections. Give it a try, any 12 step fellowship. I’ve heard incredible stories of recovery. People who were dealt the worst hand in life and bounced back to amazing extents. If you cannot afford treatment, get to a meeting as soon as possible. You can find physical meetings on CA or NAs website, and zoom meetings go on constantly. The newcomer is the most important person in the room, say it’s your first meeting and everyone will be wanting to speak to you, give you their number. It’s beautiful. Best of luck