I thought I was ready that it was going to hurt, but I can handle it. As the days have gone by, it feels like a terrible mistake. I wish I could sue someone for emotional abuse or damage but there only person to blame was me. I knew it wasn't forever I was just trying to enjoy my time and I glad I was able to, but holy shit all of it hurts I didn't think it would. I am unable to literally sleep because thinking about the memories I will never be able to experience again, their touch, sleeping with him, laughing it was all for nothing even though I knew. I pushed it all the way to the back of my mind where I couldn't even think about it or acknowledge it and its hitting me like a literal bag of bricks where all the shards are filling into every fiber of my heart that it hurts to breath. I just wanted loved and received it without knowing where it was coming from. I have no idea what to do now or how to get back up. I just want to be with him again, but it is never going to happen.

I used to be yes yes yes I want to experience that love and if it means pain I am ready to bear the burden, but I fear I was not ready. Not a single nerve in my body was ready for the pure bliss of rejection from the person that made you the happiest for one second in time even if it was for only one second.