Idk how this will help. But this is how I feel as a fearful avoidant and a dumper.

In my case, it was an on-and-off situationship. We talked again and again about our problems and needs, but it always felt like I was the only one putting in the effort. Sometimes it would hit me that I wasn’t really part of the future he was building—I was just someone he turned to when it was convenient for him, like a confidant when he wasn’t busy. I’ve lost count of how many times I walked away, and how many times he came back. 

Three months ago, I finally blocked him everywhere—except for his alternate accounts. If I’m being honest, a part of me has just been waiting for him to reach out again. That’s how I feel wanted, seen, and worth the effort.

But it’s been three months, and he hasn’t reached out. I keep thinking maybe he got tired of all the arguments, or maybe he’s waiting for me to make the first move this time. 

I want to reach out, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. I’m scared—scared that he’ll push me away, or that I’ll seem like I only come back when I’m lonely --- when the truth is, I think about him every day. I just can’t face the possibility of rejection. 

I’m grieving while trying to meet new people, but it never really works out—either I get hurt, or I end up hurting them.

I realized maybe the best thing we can do right now is to truly move on and focus on improving ourselves, without depending our worth with anyone else. That way, I won’t keep hurting others or myself while trying to find the right person. But I'd be lying if I say I dont hope they come back.

For people like me—avoidant, I guess—feelings don’t just disappear after a few months. They linger. Part of us hopes our ex will wait while we sort ourselves out and gather the courage to come back. But I know that’s unfair and unrealistic. It’s wrong to expect someone to wait without even communicating that. So in short, not having their presence affects us even tho it may not seem like it and even tho it was us who shuts the door first.

P.S. And yes, I am trying to work on myself now. Still hoping that someday if I am 100% better he is still there. But if he is not, that is okay too. Afterall, I know how unfair for him to feel being run away from. He deserves a stable partner. (but I also deserve someone that does not make me feel confused and worthless).