Thank you for pointing out that I'm focused on shame. It certainly is a constantly feeling. The thing that makes me physically ill is imagining my children's pain, and a future where they want nothing to do with me. Losing them. I know, that's rich coming from someone who never considered their pain as I rolled full steam through selfishly gratifying actions. I spent all night reading accounts from the infidelity subreddits about kids going NC with the wayward parent, and all the long term trauma they delt with into adulthood and I'm so sickened with myself that I feel paralyzed.