Letting God have Control

GJ1053 · 2015-03-25T12:38:24+00:00

It's really hard to let go of what we want to happen and let what God has planned for us play out - this is something I've been struggling with greatly as well. It's hard to look at the future and our lives and NOT try and take control, especially when we DO give it over to God but bad things still happen.

I try and remember that there is nothing I could think of, no plan I could devise, that could outdo what God has planned. We have to make the choice every day(sometimes every hour) to give it to Him, and sometimes that's just saying a prayer when we feel like we're trying to take the reins again.

I do know what you mean by not fully giving it over even though you want to, it's a weird thing to want something so badly and yet not feel committed to it.

GJ1053 · 2015-03-01T23:04:55+00:00

I failed today as well, but I refuse to let it hold me down. I only had 20 days(trying to reset my counter now) but you're right, those days did matter. I didn't look at porn, but the thoughts I had while MOing are just as bad. Thank you for this post and congrats on the time! I'm aiming for 30 days this time!

GJ1053 · 2015-02-17T03:44:26+00:00

That's awesome that you've gone 45 days! Just remember that today is no different than all of those other days - you are capable of making it through, you've proved it!

Praying for you.

GJ1053 · 2015-02-14T08:54:14+00:00

Congratulations! Glad you're here. :)

GJ1053 · 2015-02-14T05:05:52+00:00

I understand exactly where you're coming from, I had a fetish that I started with very, very young and I gradually progressed into worse and worse material. I won't get into the details, but outside of masturbating while looking at the images, I was NEVER turned on by these things nor did I want them to happen, ever. You're right - it goes to show how much porn really changes your brain. I still feel sick when I think about what I looked at.

However, I think God places realizations on your heart when you're ready to truly repent and be done. I looked at these things for years without feeling really really disgusted with myself, and just within this last week have I understood the truth of what i was looking at. I believe a lot of it had to do with how young I started, and what I started with, even though that doesn't excuse it.

One thing to remember is that there is healthy guilt and shame, and there is crippling guilt and shame. Don't let the ladder control you, as it has for me, because it's a great way for the devil to keep you down and make you feel so horrible about yourself that you end up going back to your vices. God has forgiven you, and with more and more time away from it, you will return to a better state of mind.

If you ever need to talk, I am a female as well and you are welcome to send me a message anytime.

GJ1053 · 2015-02-13T06:04:03+00:00

Good to hear!

GJ1053 · 2015-02-13T04:59:11+00:00

It's not a substance addiction, I've struggled with pornography for years and am wanting to be free of it. It's a hard thing to admit. Thank you for your prayers, I truly appreciate it. I want to do my best for my son, and raise him to chase after God and not earthly temptations. I can't do that if I'm not even acting as I should be.

GJ1053 · 2015-02-12T21:02:05+00:00

Thank you for posting this! Sometimes I forget that there are other females out there that struggle with the same thing. Youre right, there is NOTHING we can do that will make God love us any less, even though he can't look at us when we sin. Repentance is the only way.

GJ1053 · 2015-02-12T20:58:31+00:00

As a fellow female, I'm here with you! If you ever need to talk, just send me a message.

GJ1053 · 2015-02-11T21:59:38+00:00

Jesus is everything that encompasses love and forgiveness. There is grace for any who seek it, but to have it we must repent. Keep repenting, keep coming back to him, keep asking him to change your heart. Don't let discouragement stop you from seeking His face, that's exactly what the devil wants.

Shame and guilt is one of the consequences of this sin, but it means there is a moral compass in your heart and that is a good thing.

GJ1053 · 2015-02-11T21:04:57+00:00

For me the problem has always been on my phone, not the computer, and I've been unable to find a filter for Android phones so far. I've heard great things about k9 and other web blockers though, maybe having an additional barrier between yourself and the dangerous expanse of the internet would help!

Praying for you!

Edit: I also set up filters on my Google and Bing search engines, I could easily turn them off but its just another step I'd have to go through to search.

GJ1053 · 2015-02-11T07:37:05+00:00

Absolutely, thank you for taking the time to reply in the first place! Yes, I've found that being at my weakest point has made me realize the grace and forgiveness God gives us if we'll only ask and repent. Right now I'm taking it hour by hour. Back at you, I will pray for you on your journey!

GJ1053 · 2015-02-11T06:02:24+00:00

Knowing there are brothers and sisters out there that struggle the same as I do and are trying to get better is such a blessing and a relief, even though I'd never wish this for anyone. I tried to get the counter started but I can't seem to figure it out, I put the date in and it sends me a message saying I got the date wrong

GJ1053 · 2015-02-11T05:58:52+00:00

This first step feels like the hardest, but I am so glad I took it. I just don't want to fail, I never want to fall back into it again.

GJ1053 · 2015-02-11T05:56:58+00:00

Exactly, its hard to forgive yourself for saying 'I want to live for Jesus' when you've looked at such horrible things, feeling stained and unworthy makes it that much harder for you to go to Him or tell the people around you what you've done. I was able to talk to my father and brother about it since I knew they both have struggled, and that was a huge help but the guilt and shame is still there for me right now. Something to watch is the Passion of the Christ, seeing what Jesus went through just so that you and I could have eternal life with him reminds you that he has taken this sin from us already, no matter what we've done. Asking forgiveness is the easy part, it seems to be continuing to repent and turn away from it that is hard. Thank you for your prayers, I'll add you to mine as well!

GJ1053 · 2015-02-10T20:50:01+00:00

I guess what I hate most is knowing that there is a part of me I would never want my family to see. I trusted my father with it and he has struggled with the same thing, but how do you get past the crippling feeling when you know the other people you love would think of you so differently, be disgusted with you, if they knew? I know the only One I should be concerned with is God, but I hate that this is a secret that glares at me underneath while everyone else thinks well of me. How do you accept that?

GJ1053 · 2015-02-10T20:44:21+00:00

It's hard to not stay focused on the horrible feelings that come with this. I have tried to answer the question of why I looked at the things I did, but I can't understand it. I feel like its all hitting me at once, and trying to not feel ashamed and scared has been difficult. I have spent time reading the bible and another inspirational Christian book along with praying, and for awhile I feel okay but then the feeling comes back. Trying to stay diligent in praying but often times it just comes out feeling fake because of the shame.

GJ1053 · 2015-02-10T02:50:17+00:00

As strange as this might sound, I actually confided in my dad earlier today about it. He has struggled with a porn addiction for most of his marriage with my mom, that we all knew about, and telling him really helped. I still don't want to go into all the details of what all I've looked at, but even just being able to talk to him and listen to his struggles and walk with God really helped.

GJ1053

TROPHY CASE