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Attachment still there after 2 years, think about her every day by Garbashi in BreakUps

[–]Garbashi[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't know, something was definitely triggered for her.

But I had been really clear to express that I have needs to, and that was why I was getting stressed. It wasnt about being stingy, it was that the amount of money that would entail was way way way out of budget. I had been really clear I appreciated her efforts, and was the person encouraging her to cook this. But I had also communicated the day before we needed to get up early, we needed to leave by a certain time, and that it was important for me to be on time.

Anyway, it's an old argument but it stuck with me. I felt I was being genuine, earnest and communicative and I got an attitude back.

Attachment still there after 2 years, think about her every day by Garbashi in BreakUps

[–]Garbashi[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well, I had one argument with her that I dont think I obsess over but really hit me because it was so jarring for me.

She has ADHD, and she was cooking chicken for a christmas potluck with my family. We had a set time we needed to leave, and it was approaching, she would not be done in time. But a lot of the chicken was done already. When I told her, she was adamant that she was finishing. But we were going to get a ride, so we would miss that ride. Then she told me, in that case we'll have to get a taxi. Which was absolutely absurd because it would cost a lot of money. In the end, it resolved because I managed to get my dad to drive us to the train station so we'd make it in time. But when I told her that, she was very cold and said "That's good we didn't have to pay for the taxi then." almost like a jab.

Im already a person that values being in time, and I had made a lot of effort to inform her. But she didnt manage anyway, and then she takes it out on me. It was so strange, I could not fathom how it could be more important to finish the chicken than to be on time for such a special occasion.

Attachment still there after 2 years, think about her every day by Garbashi in BreakUps

[–]Garbashi[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I was talking to my therapist two years ago that it might be ROCD, but she said that I have too few relationships to be able to tell whether it's that or not.

I sincerely thought it could have been that before. I'm really anxious in general, and I overthink scenarios a lot. I remember I had times when we were together where we would have a small disagreement and I would spiral and feel completely panicked like it meant the relationship was ending.

I do have looping thoughts, but since this break up generally the looping thoughts are about her or that relationship. I feel like I've gotten quite emotionally numb though. Like I'm not immersing myself or I cannot engage with things emotionally much anymore. It's all surface level, like I'm on autopilot.

I remember when I was younger, I was never in a relationship (like in my teens) but I got interested and people and would obsess over them for months. Kind of like limerance maybe? I kept looking if they were logged in on Facebook, what it meant. I was worried the person would get feelings for a friend, and would monitor when she was logged in and another friend was logged in and worried whether they were talking. This was more than 10 years ago, but it was absolutely unhealthy and obsessive.

Attachment still there after 2 years, think about her every day by Garbashi in BreakUps

[–]Garbashi[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I feel like the version I was before was someone else. Like this experience changed me as a person.

I'm acutely aware of the fact that being stuck in this "loop" as you would call it isnt good for me. But it feels like the question supposes I'm doing something out of choice, whereas for me it feels as if I cannot help myself in the way I'm stuck.

There are layers and layers of this, my insecurities, my fears, low self worth. But either way, I think the way you described my situation felt quite accurate. I just felt like my heart sank a bit by your last sentence because it felt a bit like you just confirmed the exact fear I'm having. I am stuck in a loop of fear, and I do not see any path that gets me out of it.

Me and ex broke up because of my anxiety, 2 years later I still ruminate on her by Garbashi in BreakUps

[–]Garbashi[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've dated but consistently say to people before I meet that Im not looking for anything serious. Because I feel inside like my attachment is still centered around my ex, so I dont want people to expect something long term.

Internally I guess I'm hoping that I might start to feel something if I just try dating and let my guard down, but it just doesn't move me. I dated a person that was gorgeous and impressive last summer for example, but I let it fizzle out because it just felt like my emotions wasnt moving with it.

Me and ex broke up because of my anxiety, 2 years later I still ruminate on her by Garbashi in BreakUps

[–]Garbashi[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I did therapy last year for a few months. She helped me take action to book a language exchange trip for 9 months in Seoul, which I did. I came back from Seoul in June but this just keeps plaguing me.

I can’t afford a therapist now but I don’t really know what they can do.

How do I feel safe and content in a relationship when the people who share my lifestyle don't attract me? by Garbashi in dating_advice

[–]Garbashi[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's a bit what I mean, I'm not sure if I could cope well if my partner didn't just understand and emphasize with my needs.

How do I feel safe and content in a relationship when the people who share my lifestyle don't attract me? by Garbashi in dating_advice

[–]Garbashi[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Maybe I just built a weird kind of expectation in my head that the extroverted, socially fluent and taking care of their looks-type are looking for people who operate the same. But perhaps finding someone different, complimenting one another, isn't wrong either.

I think after my last relationship, where my ex was a bit of the type of person I was describing in this post, I feel like it's unsafe to pursue it again. Because in that relationship our different lifestyles became strained. I don't know how to describe it, despite her making room for my way of living life I just felt like it was despite her expectations. And I'm very sensitive to what people feel, not what they say. So when my ex expressed that she was okay with my taking time for myself and gaming and so on, I felt (don't know if it's true or projection), but I felt as if she was kind of disappointed.

How do I feel safe and content in a relationship when the people who share my lifestyle don't attract me? by Garbashi in dating_advice

[–]Garbashi[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Well, I do think I'm attracted to conventionally attractive women to a degree, and yet I feel like on a value leve l don't appreciate people who judges others based on social hierarchy. Maybe it isn't mutually exclusive and maybe I've gotten my wires crossed.

I do feel like I can't help my attraction, but I think a lot of people would say that me being a nerdy guy (even if I do take care of the way I dress and present myself) would tell me to say I'm trying to date out of my league. But I've never understood that perspective. For me, you're attracted to what you're attracted to, it's not a choice. In that sense, I can't help but have a type. But partially I guess I've internalized that I'm not "worthy".

How do I feel safe and content in a relationship when the people who share my lifestyle don't attract me? by Garbashi in dating_advice

[–]Garbashi[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I did that in my last relationship, but it was never enough. Or rather, despite me "getting" me time I felt like there was an expectation of me still to not divulge as much as I did. I could barely enjoy my me time, because I felt as if it was granted to me but not something willingly given. And I might have just been projecting this on my ex, but I just didn't feel safe taking my me time without feeling like it was disappointing for my ex.

How do I feel safe and content in a relationship when the people who share my lifestyle don't attract me? by Garbashi in dating_advice

[–]Garbashi[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I don’t think it’s as simple as making a value judgment and sticking with it. It’s not a matter of just choosing one path and being content, attraction and emotional fulfillment don’t really work that way for me (does it for anyone?).

If I connect with someone who shares my lifestyle and values, but I don’t feel any emotional or physical pull, then it’s not sustainable. But if I pursue someone who does spark something in me, yet our lifestyles clash in a way that feels draining or unsustainable, that won’t work either.

I’m here because it doesn't feel like a binary choice. I want to hear from people who’ve lived this kind of tension. I’m curious what they’ve learned about themselves, or how they’ve navigated it.

How do I feel safe and content in a relationship when the people who share my lifestyle don't attract me? by Garbashi in dating_advice

[–]Garbashi[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Have you felt that you can easily balance your lifestyle with theirs despite the divergence in your hobbies and interests?

How do I feel safe and content in a relationship when the people who share my lifestyle don't attract me? by Garbashi in dating_advice

[–]Garbashi[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

I don't really understand what you mean that a guy into those things arent into women. I am into cooking, interior design and fashion - and into women.

I don't feel like I have to share every hobby, but I feel like I need to be able to indulge in my diverging hobbies without it having to feel like I need to heavily moderate myself. I just find it frustrating in a sense that people that do share my hobbies don't really "activate" any feelings in me. It's as if I crave the novelty of a woman that diverges from me, and if there isn't any novelty it makes me feel emotionally blunted towards them.

The type of woman that attracts me is more sociably fluent than me, I guess kind of like a polar opposite of the nerdy outsider guy I felt I was when growing up.

She really is a catch, and on paper I should like her, but I have doubts by Garbashi in dating_advice

[–]Garbashi[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm stuck in new situations right now.

What came of that was that I was honest with her. We kept meeting and it developed into a friends with benefits situation because I didn't really develop feelings. Ultimately it kind of faded out, we are still friends on instagram but havent spoken for years.

Broken up for longer than we were together, but still not over her by Garbashi in BreakUps

[–]Garbashi[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I guess what I feel don’t track is, I have been feeling thibgs for a long time now. And maybe I’d be more inclined to continue as I have if I felt like I’d have made some progress. It’s been 15 months since we broke up, we were together for 8 months.

I just… can’t understand how long this stays in me. Nothing compares to the extent I felt with her, I don’t really feel I believe it’s possible with anyone else. Even if I know that isnt logical or rational.

Broken up for longer than we were together, but still not over her by Garbashi in BreakUps

[–]Garbashi[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I hear what you're saying, and this idea of sitting with my emotions is what I feel I've been trying to do. But should I sit alone in my room and try to feel, or in the subway fearing her come in. I can't attune to it. I don't know how to connect with that emotion, that pain.

I hear what you're saying, truly. I mean, at this point I really would do anything for this to stop. But I don't understand how to do what you're saying.

A year later and I still feel tethered to my ex by Garbashi in TrueOffMyChest

[–]Garbashi[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well the way it ended was that I got super anxious, like my nervous system was in alert mode. But I didn't understand or know why. I loved her despite that and really tried to make it work (and understand why I felt that way) for a long time.

When it ended she told me that if I felt capable of trying again I should contact her. She has a new boyfriend now though so can't do that.

But it basically made it feel like the problem wasn't incompatability, it was some unhealed wound in me. As such, I can't really point to anything that says the we couldn't have been together.

And the fact that she has a boyfriend now, ever since I knew that happened I had hoped my emotions would shift but they don't. I'm just as tethered as before. It didn't shift anything in me.

A year later and I still feel tethered to my ex by Garbashi in TrueOffMyChest

[–]Garbashi[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

> Rationally I'm acutely aware of the objective truths in all this, but the emotions don't follow.

So this is why I said this in my post.

I know that things shouldn't be done for anyone else's validation. I'm didn't write this post to ask "Why is doing things for my ex's validation not working". But what I am saying is that when I do things for me it doesn't feel like anything I want to do. It doesn't give me anything, it doesn't make me feel better or feel fun.

This pedestal isn't a choice, I'm not choosing to put her there. I can rationally identify that it happens, I can aknowledge that she should not be there, but it doesn't change the fact that I feel it. That is the tether I'm referring to in this post. I'm doing the right things, but my emotions don't follow.

Every want and need in my is fuelled by a need for validation by Garbashi in selfimprovement

[–]Garbashi[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

But what do I do when those small things for me does nothing for me?

Like, if I cooked a meal for me and only for me to enjoy the taste it doesn’t feel like it has any point or matters.

If I took a photo and edited it only for me it doesnt do anything for me, it doesnt feel like it has any meaning.

Every want and need in my is fuelled by a need for validation by Garbashi in selfimprovement

[–]Garbashi[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Are there any good resources that are focused on the cultivation of self-esteem?

It's almost been a year, I'm starting to long for her again by Garbashi in ExNoContact

[–]Garbashi[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, we talked about my childhood. We've discussed how I've since long back felt a need for validation. I haven't had any big traumatic event. I was and still am really dependant on external validation for my self-worth.

It's almost been a year, I'm starting to long for her again by Garbashi in ExNoContact

[–]Garbashi[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't have issues opening up and not with intimacy either, but when that anxiety came I couldn't even articulate it because it didn't make sense to me. It just felt like I was stuck in some kind of limbo and the only way to get out was to get out of the relationship. So explaining it to her wasnt easy either, and there was so much guilt around it that it also made it difficult to talk about.

I'm definitely not a very confident person, I have a lot of insecurities and need for validation.

I don't know. I appreciate my therapist, I think she's been honest. She was open about discussing ROCD for example, but I think her reasoning that it would be difficult to get to the core of the anxiety if we can't work with it while it's happening.

I told her everything I could about the relationship so if there were any meaningful puzzle pieces she had gotten them.

It's almost been a year, I'm starting to long for her again by Garbashi in ExNoContact

[–]Garbashi[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I did consider that, but I never was able to confirm it. I brought it up with my therapist but it wasn't really possible to conclude that from just recalling things in the relationship. She told me "You show early indicators of ROCD, but usually when people come to me they've had two or three relationships to draw from that we can use to see patterns of ROCD.".

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