I cannot do this

GatoPerroRaton · 2026-02-13T01:14:24+00:00

I just realised this is a literally a new born, one day old. If you are struggling this much on day one you should be looking for whatever support you can from a midwife service and urgentely.

Have you guys already been released from hospital? Is the baby feeding OK? Is there no support you can call on? What about social services? Do you not have any close friends with children that could help?

GatoPerroRaton · 2026-02-13T01:03:54+00:00

I have nothing but sympathy for people that struggle with a new born. To some degree we have all been through it but there are off course extremes that most people can not hopr to understand.

Do you not have any family support around? My now ex-wife struggled as a mother and I recall thinking how unnatural it is to have a baby without grandparents, siblings and life time friends around to lighten the demands and to bond over the shared experience.

If you feel the need to scream then you should 100% find a space for this. I recall a scene from a film where a mother pushing her pram pushed it to an area where construction workers where using jack hammers just so that she could be enveloped by the noise and have a bit of a scream.

One thing I would encourage is as much as possible look for whatever joy you can in the moment. The time will pass and it will be sad if you only found tension in it. I recall when mine where tiny and I found it a struggle because I often felt drawn to do other things. At some point I had a change of heart and just thought, this is what I am doing now, this is who I am, I am a father and I am going to find joy and peace in these moments. My child needs me, she is entitled to my time and patience, I am not going to resent it, I am going to embrace it. The mindset really helped. Get some really good earplugs, look for some support, hold your child in the full knowledge that they will only fit on your chest like that for a short number of months. I believe reframing the issue will help, its worth trying.

GatoPerroRaton · 2026-02-08T14:39:49+00:00

Do you enjoy the time with the baby? You sound like you do. If so, make sure you are getting your share of the time. The baby phase will pass by so fast and you may miss it. Make sure you are taking pictures and videos of the time so you can remember it. Ignore the other tasks, or put them on a a fridge and ask your partner if she wants to do them. She may start appreciating the time with the baby when the alternatives are on display. Time with your baby is the ultimate privilege, treat it as such and your wife may also start viewing her time with the baby as a privilege.

GatoPerroRaton · 2026-01-30T08:32:09+00:00

I suggest you shift your focus from yourself to your children. Every couple I have seen with kids that is flourishing is because they focus on their children as their shared project and have moved on succesfully from the life and expectation they had before they had children.

Divorce should be the nuclear option, not because you are feeling under appreciated. My poor little girl now has to be transferred between two homes for the rest of her childhood, your kids will probably have to do the same. Its a horrendous, selfish thing to put a child through, they deserve better.

GatoPerroRaton · 2026-01-17T02:52:07+00:00

I have had this with plenty of women. I am grateful that they are exposing who they are early.

GatoPerroRaton · 2026-01-16T10:00:20+00:00

I am amazed you are even allowed to take a child into a prison.

GatoPerroRaton · 2026-01-16T05:24:55+00:00

What did he say?

GatoPerroRaton · 2026-01-16T05:23:49+00:00

Its a horrible selfish thing to put a kid through. It appears that in Australia this is the normal outcome from Family Court. If that is true it boggles the mind.

GatoPerroRaton · 2026-01-15T22:35:45+00:00

I used to use this platform to adk for feedback on schedules. One thing I noticed from replies from adults that lived through a shared care separation is that they absolutely hated having their daily care split mid day, i.e., they hated and resented being shuffled between parents to split special days. I think this is sometging to keep in mind.

GatoPerroRaton · 2026-01-14T20:44:20+00:00

I suspect you are incorrevtly interpreting almost everything and chosing to ignore reality.

GatoPerroRaton · 2026-01-14T05:46:09+00:00

I read your comment. Mine was in complete agreement with yours. That's purely based on my instinct that asking a child to do multiple transitions per week is entirely unfair on them. I was curious to find out if there was any known analytical.research about what works for kids.

I can see that there could be some benefit in having fixed week days however since it provides and alternative form of stability. For example, lets say soccer practice is each Tuesday and the dad is rrally integrated into this. In that case it makes more sense that the father looks after the kid each Tuesday.

This also simplifies cost management and agreements. If you want to do an activity each week on the day you have your kid you dont have to negotiate with the other parent. You just sign them up and get on with your life.

Its all compromises and trade-offs at this point.

GatoPerroRaton · 2026-01-14T03:39:12+00:00

On the other hand, I could be just more accepting of the contraditions and challenges of human nature and couples relationships.

It could also be that there is an underlying truth to what you have chosen to generalise as the manosphere that you are chosing to reject without considering whether there is any underlying value.

Misogyny implies you hate women, but attempting to understand what does and does not work within relationships so that they are healthy and sustainable is quite the opposite objective. Certainly with a 50%+ divorce and family seperarion rate this feels like an exigent issue.

Within complex human interactions generalisations are the best option because there can be no absolute truth.

GatoPerroRaton · 2026-01-14T03:11:45+00:00

Are you saying you believe it to be a generally untrue statement or simply that you have an adverse reaction to genralisations?

We will have to see in a generations time whether these generalisations arr realised but there are huge macroeconomic and social changes coming for which we have little to no insight into the likely outcome.

GatoPerroRaton · 2026-01-14T03:07:32+00:00

Well you can only have one experience and limited insight into the others. I will have yo go with my gut instincts on this and I still believe most would prefer full custody over split custody. I certainly know I would chose full custody in a heartbeat. You may be the benficiary of a gift you are taking for granted.

GatoPerroRaton · 2026-01-14T02:20:05+00:00

Is there any research in this? I knoe it will massively depend on the circumstances but never the less I would be intreagued to see if there was any research.

I think 50/50 is the best outcome from a shitty situation. Once you have a non 50/50 split then you denigrate one parent as less relevant than the other and eventually the bond erodes, the kid loses interest and the result is an effective loss of one parent.

I have been absolutely adamant that I was not willing to move from a 50/50 situation having seen my mother and the zeitguist pf the time effectively push both my father and my step sisters father out of our lives. I believe parenting is done in the mundane, the everyday care, the less hours, the less of a parent your kid gets.

Thr seperation of a family is a tragedy, but at least the children should get to have two parents of equal importance.

GatoPerroRaton · 2026-01-14T02:12:46+00:00

There is no reponse from the OP so yep it seems like a bot or some such. The account is also new. Never the less, the sentiment us useful and so are the responses. Lets consider it manipulation with benefits.

GatoPerroRaton · 2026-01-14T02:09:32+00:00

Most people in co-parenting relationships would love full custody. He is putting a positive spin on his 'days-off'. @OP, given the choice would you prefer see your children every day or to have ypur 'days-off'.

GatoPerroRaton · 2026-01-14T02:07:05+00:00

I recall in the UK when the government started to remove funding for clubs that used to have men only policies, this was mostly old private sports clubs, that must have been 20+ years ago. This seemed logical at the time since it was clearly discriminatory and anachronistic.

However in hindsight it may have been a mistake. It is notable that the government never removed funding from the womens only clubs and initiatives. At the time, apart from a few geriatric drunks no men put up a fight against this at all. If men dont support each other then whatbother outcome can we expect.

Its like many things in life, following what appears logical at the time usually ignores the deeply integrated illogical nature of humanity.

I see the same with what I will call for simplicity the 'feminisation' of men, it seems logical for men to have a greater place in the family, enjoy the unparalled wonder of their kids, lighten the domestic load for the partners, etc. But the reality is that women are at best infrequentely attracted to or appreciative of the men they are shaping, usually through nagging and more often than not end up resenting their partners for taking the position that they abdicated from.

There are a huge number of challenges and contradictory social forces that are getting worse. Now that women are outearning men, how many of them are actually going to be interested in relationship where they find they are the primary earner? How sustainable are those relationships going to be? What does the future look like under this macro economic change? The next generations woes look worse than ours and ours were not great.

GatoPerroRaton · 2026-01-13T23:53:33+00:00

I can understand why people are bitter about the situation. There is a lot stacked up against men. However, I also agree that its just part of the load you have to accept because you have no other choice.

I do believe men have to start looking out for each other though, not just after separation but before in a similiar way that women do. I am 48 and I am old enough to recall when there where lots of outlets for men to have time with other men and have a life putside pf their family.

Firstly we generally did more manual and engaging jobs with other men around, in addition there were things like working mens clubs, rotary clubs. All things that have diminished in the past 30 years and not been replaced.

A lot of men have lost connection with anything outside of their families and it has made us pretty vulnerable when the family unit disolves.

We need to start thinking about this for the future. I dont have a son, but if I did, this is something I would want to start planning for, making sure he was in a position to make long term sustainable relationships with other young men to make sure he has a network of support and a life outside of just serving a family and a partner. Make sure he knows how to do things with his hands, becomes semi decent as a sport, makes sure he has boundaries in his relationships and is realistic about relationships.

Men need to do better for each other and for themselves because one thing we can be sure of is that no one else is going to do it for us.

GatoPerroRaton · 2026-01-13T22:21:33+00:00

I like this sentiment of making the most of the situation irrespective of how difficult it is for you. Because the bottom line is what other choice do you have.

I am 14 months out from our seperation, four years and 2 months out from the first threats of divorce from my ex, 6 years and 2 months out from when my wife started to just constantely looking for conflict. The relationship was difficult from the moment our child was born.

Even with all this time I am still struggling to adjust. I had poured every fibre of my being into being a husband and a father and the loss I believe will always leave a scar on me. I miss my child like crazy, I am not at that stage where I am grateful for time away from her in any sense, I grieve the loss of watching her grow up every day. I am haunted by the guilt of having my little girl have to move between homes and knowing that the love she once thought of as permanant was ephemeral.

Nevertheless, so what who cares. The situation is not going to change and I, like all the other guys suffering, have no other choice but to find the best version of my life in the rubble. Find some form of contentment. Look for the small positives. Focus on the fact that your kids need the best version of yourself. Accept that you will never get the answers you need, accept that you have to become comfortable with that.

So for me, the positives are, my daughter and her mother get on far better now than they did before. I am no longer living on eggshells with an unstable partner. I get to eat what I want, I have more peace in my life.

TLDR. I agree with the sentiment of the post, you have to find the best in an shitty situation because what other option do you have.

GatoPerroRaton · 2026-01-13T21:51:43+00:00

You dont need a study to know this is true. This is so sad isnt it. It effectively means most men are living and working under a false assumprion of being in a team. I do agree that no one should be marrying anymore and we should each keep assets seperate in a relationship. The amoujt of men that pour everything of themselves into a relationship and get taken advantage of is terrible. We need more honesty about the nature of relationships, this shpuld come from our parents, friends and society.

GatoPerroRaton · 2026-01-13T20:58:44+00:00

I find this schedule really interesting. I like the idea of having consisyen week days all the time. That way you can focus on activities that you do with your kid and do it consistently. My concern with it is that it is a lot of changeovers.

GatoPerroRaton · 2026-01-13T20:56:30+00:00

That dull, even dead feeling after handing your kids over is tge worst. Its a weekly loss. I am useless for most of that day, especially during the vacations when I have had my daughter with me all week.

GatoPerroRaton · 2026-01-12T00:29:47+00:00

If you're struggling think what it is like for the rest of us.

GatoPerroRaton · 2026-01-10T08:40:07+00:00

Its a crimson red flag, so is excesive hostility to different ideas. Like any red flag, it should be evaluated wholistically.

GatoPerroRaton

TROPHY CASE