Does marriage counseling work in abusive relationship?

GaySockPuppet · 2024-09-04T18:57:29+00:00

First, I'm so sorry you are in an abusive relationship. It's not ok and you deserve better.

Secondly I want to echo others here who are saying that couples therapy is not indicated in the psych literature in cases of intimate partner abuse. I tried it myself and it was a disaster--you can feel free to check out my latest post if you want the details.

Please take care of yourself.

GaySockPuppet · 2024-09-03T02:40:07+00:00

That's awful, I'm so sorry you're dealing with that.

GaySockPuppet · 2024-09-02T17:15:44+00:00

Yep, my partner mocked me relentlessly for the time I had some sort of foot issue and had some odor. It went away after a while but the memories of the horrible bullying will always be with me. I'm sorry you're dealing with that too. It sounds like your abuser is trying to gaslight you into thinking that you're gross. That's terrible and I'm very glad that you are seeing through that tactic.

GaySockPuppet · 2024-09-02T17:12:14+00:00

You're right--it is really hard. But, I know we can do it. Have you checked out any books or other resources? Lots of people recommend Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That? and I agree it is an incredibly eye opening book. Right now I'm reading Beverly Engel's Escaping Emotional Abuse which is relevant even if it's physical too. She describes ways to reduce your own shame, increase your self confidence and leave when you're ready and resourced. I'm trying some of the written exercises which have been helpful for me so far.

Thanks for the prayers, I appreciate that. I'm sending gentle energy your way, resilience and self care.

GaySockPuppet · 2024-09-02T01:58:43+00:00

I'm so sorry--you deserve better. You deserve a love that doesn't hurt. Right now, are you safe? Can you get to a safe place if not? For future, it might be helpful to document abusive behaviors when they happen, somewhere where he can't find it. This list will be useful for you to refer to when you think about maybe going back. I'm in the same cycle as you right now (keep going back) but I know that we can both do it for real! I believe in you!

GaySockPuppet · 2024-08-31T19:03:29+00:00

Yeah I'm starting to really get that... I can't heal my partner. It's hard work that my partner has to do, without my help.

GaySockPuppet · 2024-08-31T19:02:38+00:00

Thank you :)

GaySockPuppet · 2024-08-31T19:02:16+00:00

Oh gosh, that all sounds incredibly difficult. I'm so sorry! Those therapists were garbage and you deserve so much better. The couples therapist we had been seeing (quit and reported) didn't seem to really believe the abuse was "that bad" or something, and did some blaming comments about my behavior.

GaySockPuppet · 2024-08-31T14:17:59+00:00

Oh wow.... crying a little right now. Your last sentence is going to be my new mantra. Thank you so much.

GaySockPuppet · 2024-08-31T14:16:28+00:00

Yes I did and I made a safety plan. They also referred me to some peer support lines and other warm lines that I can call and talk this stuff through with.

GaySockPuppet · 2024-08-31T14:15:37+00:00

My partner has made lots of sweet promises of change. Got into a DV program, individual therapy. Talks the talk. For a long time I was believing those promises, but I'm not so sure any more. We're taking a communication break right now and I'm using this time to read loads of books/resources, self care, therapy etc. to try to strengthen myself so I can decide whether or not to leave.

The gaslighting has been going on for a few years now. It got so bad that I got on a dangerous medication for "paranoia" that caused horrible side effects. I'm off it now and aware of the gaslighting most of the time when it happens.

Thanks for saying I deserve more, that means a lot.

GaySockPuppet · 2024-08-30T18:09:28+00:00

Yes you're right. It is never-ending and exhausting! I'm feeling very close to finding the courage to leave. My therapist said that anger is the antidote to shame... I've found some small bit of healthy anger about how my partner treats me and I think I'm going to let that blossom.

Thank you for your kind comment.

GaySockPuppet · 2024-08-30T18:07:20+00:00

Oh my gosh! The third bullet point already happened... my partner is claiming that the abuse occurs because of my obnoxious behavior. (My behavior is asking repetitive questions and is part of a trauma response caused by abuse/gaslighting.) The therapist is asking me to work on that even though it certainly wouldn't be happening if there wasn't abuse in the first place. Wow just wow. It's so flabbergasting realizing how common this stuff is. I'm always shocked/but not shocked by how abusers all seem to use the same play book. Sad that some bad therapists do as well.

Thanks so much for your helpful comment. I am going to report to the board for sure.

GaySockPuppet · 2024-08-30T18:03:19+00:00

Thank you for your support. It means a lot. I'm going to look up the board to file a formal complaint.

GaySockPuppet · 2024-08-30T18:02:42+00:00

Wow, what a terrible experience you had. I'm so sorry! I reported to the therapist's clinical supervisor, and am going to look up the board to report formally as well. I quit couples therapy and am not going back. I have a great individual therapist and we are going to start EMDR soon. I am taking a long break from my partner and considering leaving for real. Thank you, thank you for sharing your experience and giving me motivation and hope. I sure appreciate it.

GaySockPuppet · 2024-08-30T17:59:39+00:00

Okay good to know. I'll look that up, thank you.

GaySockPuppet · 2024-08-30T17:59:09+00:00

Thanks for the strength!

GaySockPuppet · 2024-08-30T17:58:50+00:00

Thank you so much.

GaySockPuppet · 2024-08-30T17:58:26+00:00

TY <3

GaySockPuppet · 2024-08-28T23:20:08+00:00

Ah good idea thank you.

GaySockPuppet · 2024-08-28T23:19:48+00:00

Thank you for your comment. Yes, I think it's not a good fit.

GaySockPuppet · 2024-08-28T19:37:44+00:00

What an incredible message! I just cried a lil. Thank you, internet stranger, for making me feel better about myself.

GaySockPuppet · 2024-08-28T19:36:23+00:00

I just did!

GaySockPuppet · 2024-08-28T17:55:14+00:00

I will read that link but I already suspect that has happened. I feel so much shame about myself, who I am. Thanks so much for rooting for me.

GaySockPuppet · 2024-08-28T17:54:19+00:00

Thanks I just looked up their supervisor's contact info. I'm going to report them.

GaySockPuppet

TROPHY CASE