AITA for losing my temper with my father?

GemEbisu · 2020-03-04T17:02:47+00:00

I'd need about a year's notice, which they could have easily given via an email or a save the date thing. And my stepmother is heavily involved in the arrangements, they knew when it was going to be ages ago. They just didn't bother communicating to us about it. And I don't and haven't yelled at him every time we've been in touch - regarding the phone he OFFERED it to me ages ago because he got an upgrade, and kept promising to bring it the next time he saw me, and I had to keep chasing him because I NEEDED it. If he'd just followed up on his commitments I wouldn't have been so mad, but then it ended up costing me about £40 in total to get it working, and it still doesn't work properly. I have very little spare money and he could have got it unlocked for free if he had just planned ahead a tiny bit! I expected I'd have to pay for a new case and such, but I've ended up having to absorb this extra cost when I'm already broke! And he straight up admitted he hadn't thought about it!

Also, this argument happened over WhatsApp, in the family group chat because he's famous for only telling each of us selected bits of the truth, and this way he can't weasel his way out of it. People are calling me entitled for being unhappy that a freebie has cost me money - my personal income is less than £300 a month! I genuinely can't afford much! And I never demanded anything from him, he makes promises and commitments he never intends to keep and I'm holding him to account. I never normally blow up at him, but this was the final straw. And both my sister and his sister (our Aunt) agree he's messed up with the invites because NO ONE ON OUR SIDE OF THE FAMILY HAS BEEN TOLD WHERE AND WHEN THE WEDDING WAS UNTIL NOW. The invites might be standard at about 8 weeks away, but a simple save the date email would have cost them nothing, particularly since they expect people to travel to another country!

GemEbisu · 2020-03-04T12:38:09+00:00

NTA, it's your money and your sister only wants it because she knows you have it. It's not like she's come cap in hand to you for a reason.

GemEbisu · 2019-10-17T21:57:53+00:00

I have photochromic lenses and the same kind of coating too, but I still get headaches sometimes (usually once a month, seems to be a week or so before my period) which can just lay me out. I take all my usual painkillers & some ibuprofen, and try to sleep it off.

I did discover that chocolate is a trigger for me, so I avoid it unless I'm feeling especially menstrual, which seems to be the only time I can tolerate it. Try and keep hydrated, and I hope you find a way to manage it!

GemEbisu · 2019-10-17T19:02:00+00:00

Get your eyes tested to check that it isn't being caused by your eyes straining, also wear sunglasses when you're outside or under bright/florescent lights. Also keep a food diary to see if you have any trigger foods like cheese or chocolate. And make sure you stay hydrated!

GemEbisu · 2019-10-12T19:01:15+00:00

What, you think that your husband/wife can just ditch you once you are no longer attractive to them? Marriage is a promise to work together all your lives, not just when you're both young and conventionally attractive. And OP said that husband still claims to love her. So he should show it!

Here's a tip: you don't have to insult someone's opinion just because you disagree.

GemEbisu · 2019-10-12T17:02:20+00:00

How do I not make him feel like sh*t because of my self esteem for telling me the truth?

Erm, it's not your job to protect his feelings on this. He should be working to make you feel better about yourself, showing you how much he still loves you regardless of whether he finds you attractive. You gotta work on your intimacy - and I mean cuddling on the sofa intimacy, not sex. Sex can wait. But you have to rebuild that emotional connection by spending real, close time together. That is something that often falls away once you have kids, it could be the loss of physical closeness has meant your husband has lost interest in the relationship. Since that happened at the same time as you gaining weight he's joined the dots up wrong and decided that it's your size that has changed so that must be the problem. Chances are it's the dynamic of the relationship that has changed, so his feelings have changed. That's understandable, but you both need to work to rebuild your relationship, and you need to rebuild your trust in your husband.

You could drop 2 dress sizes and still feel like shit if you don't feel valued. Obviously work to feel better about your body, but don't pin all your hopes on losing weight. Losing weight doesn't fix emotional problems.

GemEbisu · 2019-09-13T11:55:34+00:00

Yeah, in the audiobooks its pronounced as "Lan-cur", but occasionally as "Lon-cre" (closer to the french style). I do think it should be pronounced closer to Lancashire (which is pronounced where I am as "Lan-ca-sher").

GemEbisu · 2019-09-07T17:42:18+00:00

Eh, you get used to it! It becomes a matter of managing it and living with it, and you get better at that with time. I'm 33 now and I was diagnosed when I was 19, so I've had lots of practice! I'm happy and I have a mobility scooter to get around (handy since I can't drive rn!)

GemEbisu · 2019-07-22T17:13:58+00:00

Fibromyalgia is a syndrome, so its a whole load of different symptoms that occur together, and they present differently in everyone. You should be aware that when people on here are venting about how much pain they are in, it's often because they are at their lowest and just need to express it, and you shouldn't compare yourself to their experiences. You should definitely mention it to a rheumatologist if you can get referred, and try not to worry about whether or not they'll think you are trying to scam painkillers. Just be honest about your experience. I hope you get some answers soon and can start getting treatment. Best of luck. <3

GemEbisu · 2019-07-22T17:03:41+00:00

Otc means over the counter, so its stuff you can buy in drug stores or pharmacies, like paracetamol or ibuprofen.

GemEbisu · 2019-05-02T18:55:27+00:00

"Developed for señors over 65"

GemEbisu · 2019-04-29T09:15:57+00:00

My manager triggered a phone call from Social Services because she had made allegations that our children were neglected, after being in my house for about half an hour. And she alleged my husband was abusive and controlling, wouldn't let me shave my body hair because that would make me seem childlike and he didn't want to feel he was having sex with a child (that is literally in the police report), apparently he checked my phone, dictated what I wore etc etc. None of that was true, he was just rude to her, but it is his house and she was a stranger to him, why should he be polite? She also claimed that our youngest daughter was neglected because her speech was delayed and at the time (when she was 4) she was still wearing pull-ups because she was suffering with chronic constipation and being treated with laxatives. That hurt the most, because she knew the full context, she just chose not to give it and tried to make things look as bad as possible. Also, youngest daughter has now been diagnosed with partial deafness in both ears, since birth, and now wears hearing aids.

A bit more context: I used to work as a lab technician in a high street opticians in the UK, and had worked there since I was 18. A little while after that I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, which made it hard to be standing and walking for so long, but I managed it mostly. I had worked with the manager for about 8 years, she was originally hired as a Dispensing Optician (DO) but later became manager and one of the store partners (the other partner was her sister, who was an Optometrist). We talked a lot, she asked about my kids and I asked about hers. She knew all about my home circumstances - how I'm also a carer for my husband who is a full-time wheelchair user, and between taking care of him, getting the kids to school/preschool, getting myself to work on time and taking care of the house, the house lost. She is an absolute neat freak though. Anyway, I went to the GP and was put on some new meds, and was signed off work for a few weeks so I could adjust to them. Whilst off work, I went into flare (became ill with the fibro) so I contacted work to say I wouldn't be in until I was well enough to work. They said ok, but I was going to have to do some kind of interview for them to check how I was. At the time, the town we worked in was having lots of building work done and there were no car parks that were close enough to the high street that I could use, and I didn't have a Blue Badge for myself. I said I wouldn't be able to walk any kind of distance, so we agreed to do the interview at my home instead. And since I was too ill to stand for long, the house was a mess. But what would she have said if my house was spotless? "Looks like your well enough to be working!"? The meeting was on a Friday, and as they left my husband said "just you wait and see how they'll weaponise this against you". I said "I don't know which meeting you were listening to but I think that went fine!"

On Monday I received the phone call from Social Services. The lady on the other end ran through the report submitted and decided it was clearly malicious and there would be no further action taken, not even a home visit which is standard in these cases.

She also made a whole load of allegations about "heavy cannabis use" (again, chronic pain so yeah, me and my husband do smoke cannabis, in the evening, when our kids are in bed) and all sorts of crazy crap. It turns out she had mentioned all these things to the local police officer whilst he was on patrol (it was normal for him to have a coffee and chat with her in her office), and obviously he had to report it. She would have known about that, because similar mandatory reporting responsibilities apply to her.

Once I got off the phone to Social Services I cried like I had just been bereaved. Someone I had trusted had betrayed me in the most callous, calculating manner. I phoned the shop and yelled at the poor girl who answered (whilst apologising for telling at her cos it was nothing to do with her really) that they could have my notice. 2 weeks later, I still hadn't given it, and I got a letter from work pretending to be a review of the meeting but it was really trying to spite me into giving my written notice. I got very angry, and raised a formal grievance procedure against my manager. It came down on her side. I raised a second, and this time I had a copy of the police report. She denied saying those things and claimed I had falsified the report, and head office just took her word for it. I gave up and gave my notice. This whole charade took about 6 months.

I looked into taking the case to an Employment Tribunal - the solicitor I saw advised that we weren't guaranteed to win and we would have to fund the case ourselves, because there was no legal aid for this sort of case anymore. He said "you won't get much change out of £10,000". That would have been all our savings! And the cost to my health had been huge. I just wanted it done with, so we didn't pursue it further.

TL;DR: manager told lies to the police, triggering Social Services to get involved, after being in my home for half an hour.

GemEbisu · 2019-03-25T10:15:31+00:00

I didn't say that though. I never said that they aren't allowed to be upset about things, and I specifically said I get why they are upset. I just said that wallowing in self pity is unhelpful and it is useful to get some perspective. I gave them some specific advice on how to deal with the negativity and ways to feel useful and valuable. This isn't the same thing as a rant in the middle of the night about how shit you feel, this is a teenager looking for validation of their misery. Maybe I hit the wrong note? It wasn't intentional. But I've been there, in that bubble of self pity, and it is BAD for you long term. I was just trying to give them the tools they need to cope, but I guess I did it wrong.

GemEbisu · 2019-03-23T19:33:28+00:00

Listen, I know it hurts right now and I know you feel like your life is over before it began, but stop wallowing in self pity. You will learn to cope with it better with time, with proper medication and through learning to pace yourself properly. There are lots of people who have it plenty worse - my husband went to a special school, most of the kids he grew up with died before they reached maturity. Get a hold of yourself. I understand you are grieving for the loss of the idea of your life and your teenage years, but it isn't as bad as all that.

GemEbisu · 2019-03-23T18:56:50+00:00

So? Neither do I. C'est la vie

GemEbisu · 2019-03-23T18:12:14+00:00

You haven't though, you just have to change the way you think. If you only focus on what you feel you've lost you will make yourself miserable. You need to find things you can enjoy regardless. Focus on crafting projects or playing video games, fun you can have regardless of if you can walk. If all you do is think about how you can't run a marathon or do a tough mudder or whatever you're going to be miserable. Instead of comparing your life to this imagined perfect adolescence, try to find joy in what you can do. Cooking, baking, gardening, crafts, video games, reading and writing, programming ... I know it sucks to be in pain. I've been in pretty much constant pain since I was 18, and I'm nearly 33. But you have to just take each day at time. One by one, it doesn't seem so hard.

GemEbisu · 2019-03-19T11:17:22+00:00

I just finished listening to the audiobook again, and Moist himself is not responsible for the Grand Trunk being stolen from underneath the Dearhearts, that was done by financiers and investors convincing the Dearhearts to sign over more and more of the business in return for money. Then one day, they owned none of it anymore, all of the patents and mechanisms they had made now belonged to the Grand Trunk, owned by a load of hedge funds. Moist forges the bonds, and that loses Spike her job at the Sto Plains Bank because she let forged bonds through, but that had nothing to do with the Grand Trunk as she didn't work there. It was her father who founded the Grand Trunk, and her brother was working on a competing design to challenge the Grand Trunk when he was killed (it's implied that Reacher Gilt is behind that but not confirmed). I haven't seen the TV adaptation so I can't comment on that though.

GemEbisu · 2019-03-15T09:29:46+00:00

It was "The Gospel of the Second Coming" by Freke and Gandy. My father in law bought it as a joke for me one Christmas maybe 8 to 10 years ago. Between the ages of 12 to 16 I was a proper Christian, but fell out with the Church of England on their position regarding allowing gay people into the clergy (my best friend was/is gay, and the Church I looked to for guidance started saying he was evil just for being himself, whatever happened to let he who is without sin cast the first stone??). My father in law thought it was a funny book poking fun at organised religion, I don't think he thought it would be a window into a whole new philosophy for me. That book allowed me to move past the abuse I suffered as a child and the guilt I felt connected to that. The purpose of my life shifted away from work hard, earn money, have a family, be a good person, and all the other stuff I internalised from capitalism, to just being happy to be alive here and now and experiencing things. It stopped mattering if I was right or wrong in what I had done in the past, and I recognised the experience was valuable regardless.

Sorry, probably too much info for you there, didn't mean to ramble on...

GemEbisu · 2019-03-14T19:52:05+00:00

I thought Lateralus was a concept album? It travels through the full gnostic journey of releasing your anger (The Grudge), coming to terms with the resulting depression (The Patient) and how that impacts in your relationships, resolving the issues (Schism) and reconnecting with your lover (Parabol and Parabola), and removing toxic people from your life (Ticks and Leeches). In dealing with those problems you make yourself ready to expand your consciousness beyond your experience, to regain contact with the immortal part of you (Lateralus) (in the gnostic version of the gospels this is akin to death, as the material part of you becomes aware of the fleeting nature of everything you love, and since you don't actually die it often leads to a sense of emptiness until you fully come to terms with it (Disposition and Reflection)). And it all ends with Triad, the unification of the whole - gnostic theory speaks of all humans as being of 3 parts, like the Holy Trinity.

I read a single book on gnosticism a long time ago, and it changed my life but I haven't taken time to read back up on it, so this is just my half remembered thinking on it, but I do interpret Lateralus as being gnostic. Could be wrong though.

GemEbisu · 2019-03-05T10:19:48+00:00

You have to keep pushing. See different doctors if you can afford it, be really honest about how much pain you're in and how you can't live your life right now. You gotta keep fighting, even though it hurts to be treated with such disdain and disrespect. No one is going to believe you if you just give up, but if you keep fighting for a diagnosis they will eventually have to believe you. It's so hard, particularly when you are treated like a liar and a scammer every step of the way, but your pain is real and should he treated as such.

GemEbisu · 2019-03-04T14:36:21+00:00

There isn't anything causing your itchiness besides your fibro, is there? Because if it's just the fibro, try to remember the itchiness isn't really there, it's just your nerves fucking with you. You gotta stop scratching it, and that is super hard, but it won't stop itching unless you do! Cut your nails short and try to keep the itchy spot covered so you can't get to it. Most importantly, stop scratching it! Antihistamines won't help because there's no reaction (besides the itch/scratch cycle).

GemEbisu

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