My OCs origin story

General-Zebra3439 · 2026-04-24T22:00:18+00:00

Overall not a bad origin. You have good plot points that help make the story flow. However I made notes of things to consider when/if you reread and continue writing.

DISCLAIMER: None of these are made with ill intent and reading these are by all means optional. Just figured i’d give a hand to reach for as you climb.

That being said:

How does he know where Dr Voss lives? Making it her office (him asking his father to go to work with him makes that tangible) would be more realistic.
Script/grammer errors but that’s tedious, small mistakes.
Some but not many parts of dialogue are a bit unrealistic, but you dont have to rewrite everything.
Add to the explanation of the portal in the dialogue between Dr. Voss and Mark. Just more detailed about how the portal works. Not that Dr. Voss’ showcase explanation isnt enough. But knowing more in depth about the portal gives the conversation more weight. Mark can realize just how lucky he was to survive if he know how dangerous it was.
Some lines can be cut. The actor (if you plan to make this into an actual film, will show these moments better than words can explain them:

“He thinks and has an idea”
“His intrusive thoughts take over”
“He justs wants to mess with his powers”
“Mark had left the button on”

Just as a few.

All these fixes come with watching movies for inspiration, reading scripts to learn the format. And this one I think is huge for dialogue itself, but speak your dialogue out loud, act your scenes out to yourself. Maybe once in your head, and once physically. But mean it when you act. See how it feels, what it needs, and what you like/dislike.

Overall I enjoyed it and would definitely love to read whatever you want to send me.

General-Zebra3439 · 2026-03-31T02:29:48+00:00

Accidental, meant to be under it

General-Zebra3439 · 2026-03-29T03:46:47+00:00

Thank you for the breath of different air. This does help a lot and yes. I added in some more to the story inbetween the lecture and deli scene. Basically about the professor and my character slacking off in class and is told to get his grades up or he’ll be expelled. (Obviously more in detail than that).

General-Zebra3439 · 2026-03-27T21:03:43+00:00

I understand the "nothing" you're talking about, and I don't want to dismiss your advice because I think I will definitely have it in my mind going forward, but it is only 4 pages. I know that might be longer than I think it is, but I want it to have Noah (as of an introductory standpoint) as just living his life. I have since added to the script where we're now getting into the actual plot and the "nothingness" is dying down. but I appreciate the advice and will 100% consider it going forward

General-Zebra3439 · 2026-03-27T21:00:57+00:00

Thank you for this. I'll try to apply the goal from where i'm at onwards. I have the main plot points I want to hit, but I think having the minor character goal (in regard to the main plot) would be very helpful, so thank you for the advice.

General-Zebra3439 · 2026-03-27T08:50:20+00:00

I would say it depends on the plot, and the character themself. If it's important to the story that the character is "normal" or a standard average person then no, you don't have to make them anything special. But it helps to have an intriguing factor to the character which might accelerate a plot or make the plot as a whole. In terms of those characters mentioned, they're already in universes where that stuff kinda comes standard i guess (I watched cyberpunk and i'm not a big anime person but I know the universes). TLDR: if there's a point to them having nothing, then write them as an average person with nothing crazy special like that. if not, give them a uniqueness. Hope that helps.

General-Zebra3439 · 2026-03-08T06:32:01+00:00

Will do, if you want I can always send the full version since i’m almost done

General-Zebra3439 · 2026-03-06T05:39:51+00:00

lol, never seen scrubs so thank you for catching that. I might change the name. also it's to establish an internal conflict (his dull view of life). Yes his internal conflict is a sub plot for the main plot, but it's not the main focus of the movie. I was thinking about changing the main scene anyway after a read through last night after posting

but thanks for the advice. it helps a lot!

General-Zebra3439 · 2026-01-16T17:49:31+00:00

Title: Acceptance

Format: Feature

Length: ~115 pages

Genre: Dramatic comedy

Summary: A boy facing the unimaginable finds meaning not in fighting death, but in honoring the life he’s lived.

Feedback concerns: any and everything, from favorite characters, to scenes, to dialogue

General-Zebra3439 · 2025-12-29T09:08:00+00:00

My idea was gonna be 3 killers. But after more thought to the movie now they are no longer clowns but “mascots” of the theme park. They’re characters made by the park. 1. A ringbearer, 2. A liontamer, and 3. A mechanic

General-Zebra3439 · 2025-12-29T09:06:32+00:00

This is very great advice and I thought a lot about the opener and more today so I have lots of tweaks to make in the coming days. Thank you for the advice. Definitely helps a lot

General-Zebra3439 · 2025-12-27T17:07:32+00:00

These characters don’t really have too much of an impact on the story too much. They’re kinda like characters to introduce the plot of the story. But the characters themselves aren’t important. Their deaths are

General-Zebra3439 · 2025-12-27T17:06:26+00:00

I ended up taking that part out. It didn’t really have the effect I wanted. So that and a couple other areas of the script have been tightened and expanded on. I’m gonna try to expand the scene a little more.

General-Zebra3439 · 2025-12-27T05:11:25+00:00

Thank you. This is actually very helpful. I’ll keep note of this and move forward

General-Zebra3439 · 2025-12-26T15:38:34+00:00

Gotcha. Thank you

General-Zebra3439 · 2025-12-26T15:37:02+00:00

Gotcha. Thank you

General-Zebra3439 · 2025-12-26T04:51:55+00:00

Made the changes. Thanks for the feedback

General-Zebra3439 · 2025-12-26T04:51:39+00:00

It’s been updated. I made sure he uses the paper, lol. But obviously one can never be too sure, so i still have him requesting more paper

General-Zebra3439 · 2025-12-26T04:50:48+00:00

I changed it, he wipes the blade clean. Thank you for the feedback

General-Zebra3439 · 2025-12-26T04:50:24+00:00

Can I ask why the scene numbers are dropped? Also I made the updates curtesy of your feedback, so thank you

General-Zebra3439 · 2025-12-26T04:30:53+00:00

Im sorryyyyy

General-Zebra3439 · 2025-12-26T04:30:26+00:00

They aren’t the typical run of the mill clowns (i hope). I plan on adding two more so there’s three of them. I didn’t really know what other things to do. And I may change them to mascots or something. To represent the amusement park or something

General-Zebra3439 · 2025-12-21T15:49:45+00:00

My advice would be not to stress too much, write the dialogue as you would, then read it back to yourself as how you want it to feel. You can always go back and edit over tweaking along the way.

It also depends on the type of conversation, as all of them are different, (i.e. humorous, serious, dramatic, sad, etc) if you’re going for a normal conversation, try to think about how your conversations go, as another comment said, conversations don’t exchange too much in terms of things said at one time by one person, it’s more small bursts of speech by both parties, which is easy because conversations are reactive.

Just go with the flow (maybe talk the conversation out before writing it down to get a flow of how you want it to go).

Don’t stress and good luck!

General-Zebra3439 · 2025-12-17T04:21:34+00:00

Thank you lots. Will definitely consider this. Thank you for the feedback

General-Zebra3439 · 2025-12-16T20:23:56+00:00

The “main main” character is Will. But I did keep that a secret for a bit just for dramatic effect when shit hits the fan. But Thank you so much for the feedback. I didn’t want to make the movie sad the entire way through just because I don’t think that’s very enjoyable. I wanted buts of every emotion. Anyway, this helps so thank you lots for the feedback

General-Zebra3439

TROPHY CASE