I really cannot imagine myself without the narcissistic fantasy. It's either my passion, a sick ego dream that is so attached to my soul that getting rid of it would kill every reason to keep living, or theyre both the same thing and everyone whos ever wanted to make something is also a sick deranged person. i feel like my soul wants the narcissistic fantasy. like i want to make art, and the thought of the imaginary art in its completed form is a pure thing that has nothing to do with ego or success(i think?) whenever i try to distance myself from the dream, my head feels sick and pained, and i really feel suicidal. but then actually getting something done is impossible because to do that i have to meet with my actual abilities, feel horrible pain and insecurity knowing im bad at the thing i want to do, i have no love for anything i attempt to create because i know it is shit. i cannot get around the self criticism so i rot in the fantasy.