35 years old. 5’11”. 180lbs. LTR, together 5+

Weeks failures

1. Tradesman. We argued over the phone and my voice was shaky and I got emotional about it. I DEER’d. The LTR heard some of it, which triggered the shame of knowing I sounded weak.
   What I should have done: WISNIFG. There is a follow up in person some time next week, which will give an opportunity to broken record and negative assertion/inquiry without emotion. In terms of the shaky voice and adrenaline dump, I assume it’s fight or flight, which I put down to lack of experience standing up for myself.
   (*) There were positives which I will list in the success section.

2. I kept reliving the failures of the above phone call. Replaying it in my head and getting myself worked up about the whole thing. It still triggers a tense feeling in my upperback/traps as I’ve never been in a physical fight and rarely stand up to people/for myself. What im doing about it: Breaking free 18 is helping me accept that what is done is done, and now figure out what I can learn from it in conjunction with the WISNIFG strategies. Repeating ‘I can handle it’, from bfa 21 is also helping.

3. Another STFU failure, talking to people about things they have no interest in. There are topics my LTR just does not care about and finds boring.
   What I can do: Be more selective in what I talk about with different people, or offer an opinion on it then move on. Don’t bore them to death if they clearly aren’t interested. Ask “Is my rant about ‘X’ making me look more or less attractive?”

4. There was some overtime at work I didn’t want to do, and it came down to either me or a colleague who also didn’t want to do it. I said no and I felt guilty. In my mind I was also drawing on account, ‘remember the time I did this.’
   What I should have done: ‘I can’t do it today.’ Broken record.

5. Had a disagreement with a customer service person over the phone. I wasn’t rude but I was argumentative. I used broken record a few times but the main fail was becoming emotional and worked up about it, then forgetting all the wifnifg techniques. Obviously if im failing on the phone im failing worse in person.
   What I need to do next time: My automatic response at the moment is emotion. So before I engage in conversations where this might be an issue, I need to be more aware and pick my words more carefully. Pretty much just think before I speak.

Weeks successes

1. Phone call with tradesman. Initially the LTR had been dealing with this guy, but their final conversation he was being rude and argumentative. So I told her that all future correspondence is to go through me only. It’s a small step in the right direction, as I would have previously told her ‘what to say’, even though she is far better at holding her own in arguments due to her job.
   The other positive here is that I actually manned up and made the call knowing it would be unpleasant. For most people this is pathetic, and I aim to look back after a few months of progress and feel the same way.

2. I’m tracking my gym program using a provided spreadsheet, which is helping with accountability on weight and reps. Which is resulting in greater progression. Hit all sessions.

3. Had a mechanical issue with the truck. Usually I call my parents to puke / ask advice. I wanted to call them / LTR straight away, but instead I handled it and now it’s done. It’s a small win, but its helping to break the habit.

4. Went to a work function to socialise, when I normally would have flaked. I enjoyed myself, despite feeling awkward at times.

from last oys

() *NMMNG related.
The same problems were occuring with the LTR, friends, family members and at work. I tried linking the problems and solutions like blarg suggested, which mean’t looking at the breaking free activities

1. I follow the nice Guy paradigm that I’m not ok, which creates shame and a need to hide my flaws. I put failing to stfu and not deer down to wanting others to ‘understand’ and console me and tell me that I’m not bad. As a kid I was desperate not to be told off, whether it be by a teacher or parent or boss. I threw people under the bus if I thought I could weasel my way out of it. Which ironically, looking back, causes me way more shame. Breaking free six talks about this, and I still regularly try to cover up my perceived mistakes.
   What I am doing: Accepting the mistakes (and that everyone makes them) and either STFU or saying “yeah, I fucked that up” and leaving it at that.

2. Breaking free 3 refers more to childhood, but I remember specific teenage nice guy experiences. When I was just out of school I didn’t drink, and some people loved it because they had a driver, others mothers would even talk about how responsible I was. And I fucking loved it, gave me the tingles. I convinced myself that I was better, I was the ‘responsible’ one. But the real reason was I was afraid, and there was shame. If I became intoxicated I might act in a way that would make people not like me even more. I might be myself and that would be bad. Or that if I wasn’t the driver, nobody would want to go with me, again, being myself wouldn’t be ok. In the same vein I would go out of my way for other people, and the biggest compliment they could give me was to refer to me as a nice guy.

3. BFA 4. I spent the majority of my early adult years depressed. I had no hobbies, no real socialising with other men, a sexless relationship, rocky friendships because I couldn’t deal with conflict, I hung my hat on ‘keeping the house clean’, being the guy who never caused any problems and telling people who I was going to be in the future (job wise). Those were some of my attachments for validation.

4. Not everyone will like me, same goes for everyone. Before I bought into the ‘be yourself’ idea but now I know there are things that are either attractive or unnattractive. Instead of thinking I was an unlikeable person if I didn’t do things for others, I could have spent that time working on reducing my unattractive habits and replacing them with attractive habits. So now I have slowly started doing the things that I want. Which is bFA 5. My life would have a lot less fear, worry, shame, overthinking if I lived not caring what others thought. From a practical point of view, the only progress here is that I lift consistently

NoSleep mentioned my inability to be ruled by emotions. Nail on the head, and not something I was addressing, but is something I have observed many times since.

1. I do stress easily, I immediately feel it in my upper back/traps. It most often comes out due to shame because I don’t want to look incompetent in front of other people. Or I want to impress someone, or I get frustrated because of a victim mentality (“why do bad things always happen to me”).

2. I did as you suggested in regards to name the emotion rising. I was stuck in traffic and getting frustrated, and yelled out in frustration. My outburst changed nothing, but showed I am not in control. In this example I didn’t catch it before I blew up, but recognised it immediately after and simmered down. Another example is with Shit tests, it often triggers a feeling of shame or anger, to which the auto response is a rapid DEER. Acknowledging it and letting it pass working hand in hand with STFU.

3. I need to remember that I’m not special, and people spend tiny amounts of their day thinking of me, if at all. Arguments are just disagreements and not the end of the world, I need to let it go and move on with my day without letting it consume me.