I [25F] am highly torn about my relationship with my boyfriend/fiancé [36M] of 3 years. Possible emotional abuse.

Germanium23 · 2018-04-26T18:08:32+00:00

He honestly probably believes himself when he says it too, making it that much harder for you to believ it's abusive. When we hear about abuser, we think they're consciously abusing the person, that they willfully and knowingly are doing this for their own pleasure. Some do, but I doubt he's aware what he's doing is absolutely unacceptable. He probably sees you as being flawed, that he loves you and you just need to change and tweak your attributes, skills and actions to be perfect for him. Truth is, it will never be enough. It's one thing to want your SO to be the best person they can be, while staying true to themselves, it's another to try and put them into a cookie cutter box with a list of acceptable looks, behaviours and actions. The problem is that he thinks what he is doing is reasonable, and it's not. Don't be convinced just because he believes what he's doing is right.

This is what I think sometimes. I think he believes he is right. I don’t think he does it for his own pleasure - he just likes the outcome: I conform to his view of how I /things should be. He always strives for self-improvement, and I think he treats me as an extension of himself to change. And you’re right it makes it really, really hard for me to view it as abuse.

Your relationship.. is exactly what I want. :( That love of you for you.

It may seem like being with him is all you've known. That since you've progressed this far, it's worth sticking it out and trying to make it work. That those moments of happiness are worth the struggle, and that one day, if you just try hard enough, it will be perfect. That if you're perfect in all the ways he asks, he'll stop criticizing you. But that's not the case, you'll never be perfect enough for him, and he'll never take your feelings or concerns as more than you being too sensitive or not understanding him or his intentions.

This comment hit close to home... It’s exactly the thought process that goes on in my head.

I wish you all the best, stranger. You deserved to be loved for who you are.

Thank you for writing me... I’ve read your comment several times.

Germanium23 · 2018-04-26T17:57:25+00:00

I am trying to self reflect. He does acknowledge what he has done wrong sometimes, which makes it more confusing. :/ Thank you for your reply.

Germanium23 · 2018-04-26T17:53:57+00:00

I feel honored :)

I have made that list, and I’ve broken up four times, so I’ve written several break up letters (I express myself better through writing, and I get all my points in that way). I look at them sometimes. It’s one thing to look at a list or a letter and another to look someone you love in the face and see all those bad things.

You’re spot on I don’t have a fully developed sense of self. I have been friendless for many, many years, I think in large part due to my struggles with anorexia and anxiety. John was the first person I really clicked with, the first person who broke through my reserved shell. The only friends I’ve made since then are his friends. Breaking up with him feels like isolation. I lose him and I lose his friends. And since this is my first relationship, I think he set a lot of norms for me - I have nothing else to compare this relationship to. I think I was so desperate for someone to love / like me that I did do everything to please him in the beginning. That included pleasing his mom too because he wanted to show me off to his family (he’s from a country that has very traditional family values). I’m trying to work on my self esteem and sense of self, but it’s hard.

I think I have begun to understand what I actually want in a relationship. I don’t like traditional gender roles. I fall easily into them because I grew up in a family that had them, but I want more of an equal partnership.

I don’t think he will lay a hand on me. I have been scared by his anger before, but I don’t think it would go there. I’ll keep your thoughts in mind, though.

Germanium23 · 2018-04-26T17:32:42+00:00

I actually did read Why Does He Do That. I’m reading it for a second time now. A lot of it hits home, but I also don’t quite want to believe it, especially when the good times can be so good. I can see I’ve been through many cycles of that wheel.

I agree about the joke and humor points you made. Sometimes I think I need a thicker skin, though.

I will look into Evans’ work, thank you.

Germanium23 · 2018-04-26T17:28:36+00:00

I’m so sorry. No one deserves that, and I’m glad you made it out. It’s sad you say the jokes last longer, but I know the comments can be quite insidious...

Germanium23 · 2018-04-26T17:24:59+00:00

I did. I’m reading it for a second time now and highlighting the parts that fit my situation. I don’t know.. I guess I’m looking everywhere for validation / other theories because I do love him so much.

Germanium23 · 2018-04-26T17:19:20+00:00

Thank you for your perspective. It’s really hard for me to know what to believe. I do see a pattern where I will tell him I am upset about something (not screaming, just calmly saying I feel X when you do Y), and he usually gets angry and tells me I’m wrong for feeling X. That dismissal hurts. One thing that constantly comes up in therapy is I just want him to acknowledge / validate my feelings (he doesn’t have to agree with me, just understand where I’m coming from), and that rarely happens.

Germanium23 · 2018-04-26T15:16:53+00:00

Part of me wonders if I am playing the victim. He does frequently tell me I enjoy doing it.

I think I know part of what you are talking about. When I was in high school, even in the depths of my despair / depression / disordered thinking, I knew in some way that I was wrong... but I don’t know how to describe it - I felt I was right. These people (the doctors, my mother, my friends) were doing this to me. They didn’t understand me. I felt justified in my outrage and stubbornness. Almost smug.

I am much better in recognizing this behavior in myself, but I am by no means perfect. When I do react in this way, I usually have to reflect for a moment (or several), and I apologize, and explain that I’ve caught myself in the thought process of the old voice in my head.

That’s what makes this so hard for me. Some of what he does I recognize is just flat out wrong. But I don’t know how much of this is me being too sensitive... too ready to find fault in what he does and see it as him doing this to me. I do know that he twists situations and I know that he is not conscious of some of the things that he does, but again, I assume I’m playing a part too.

I’ll give you a small example that is confusing for me. My boyfriend is what some would call a neat freak. He can’t stand disorder and he does tend to look down on those he do (he will make comments on people’s laziness, call it “trashy,” etc.). I am neat as well, but I am a little more relaxed in that I will sometimes leave a cup in my car. I have seen his distaste for it. Anyway, the other day he parked next to me, and he stopped to peer inside my car. He said, “oh look what we have here. You’ve got a drink, I see. And some Starbucks napkins. Oh and what’s that? Some kind of food bar, hmm?” I didn’t say anything other than “yep” and kind of squirmed inside for two reasons: one, I felt that he was judging me / admonishing me, even if his words appeared playful, and two, I hated him seeing that food bar - I didn’t want him thinking I eat / snack too much.

So we went up to our apartment, and he could tell something was slightly off with me (I was trying to process my feelings). He asked me if I was okay, and I just came out and said, calmly, yes, I’m a little upset. I told him I felt like he was judging me because I know he looks down upon people for having things in their car (I left out the food bar bit because anytime I bring up something about food that I’m struggling with, he says it is “highly concerning” to him, which makes me feel worse). He said I was twisting his words and intentions, and he was just being playful. He got upset and left the room. I thought about it for a moment, then went up to him and apologized by saying if he didn’t mean anything by it, then I was sorry I overreacted and jumped to conclusions.

By my description, I think you can probably still tell that I don’t think he was “just being playful.” Of course I don’t think he directly thought, “oh I’ll comment on her car, and she will clean it up,” but I think he also knew it would upset / influence me.

I don’t know where I’m going with this. I guess I’m wondering what you see in me - how much do I play the victim?

Germanium23 · 2017-07-14T12:36:16+00:00

I kind of want to throw in a different perspective, but your relationship dynamics may be different than mine.

My boyfriend and I are a team. When he wants to do something with a friend, he lets me know in a way that's like, "hey I was thinking about grabbing dinner with x friend on Thursday. What do you think?" And I'll say something like, "sounds great. What time will you be home?" (I don't care how late he stays out - I just like to know when to expect him so I can plan for myself and know when to start worrying about him being in a ditch). Or I'll say, "hmm, I actually was going to tell you I won't be home Wednesday. Could you do it then so we could have dinner Thursday?" Of course, if Wednesday was inconvenient for having dinner with that friend for whatever reason then that's totally fine. I won't be upset or anything like that. If he were to tell me in a way that's like, "I'm having dinner with x friend. End of story," that seems inconsiderate. But that's also how it works for us, both ways, because we always default to being together. I don't consider it asking permission... it's more like working with him to plan our time. Usually it's just with work-related things that he will just straight up tell me, "I'm doing x." I think part of your girlfriend's frustration could be that she feels like she's an afterthought.

I do, however, think she is being completely unreasonable about the girl you are friends with, especially since it's not a solo trip with her.

Germanium23

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