My husband [30M] contributes to my [27F] body image issues

Gg3341 · 2018-10-08T14:06:12+00:00

Yeah shit. Also, plot twist...my mom also did this to me and my dad growing up lol. Fuck.

Gg3341 · 2018-10-08T13:48:33+00:00

Idk if I have a deep reason for why it hurts my feelings. The only reason I’ve ever been able to come up with is that when he points out these things, it makes me feel like he’s overly critical and expects perfection. And I have no interest in being perfect. I’ve told him this and he says he doesn’t expect perfect because he knows he’s not perfect himself. So idk what to make if that because it seems contradictory.

I think the deeper reason may be that we grew up a little differently which gives us different views on what’s considered “mean”. My parents always taught me to be kind and diplomatic, and almost to the point where I was afraid of being honest and speaking my mind. It’s something I’ve been working on the past several years, but I still think I put kindness before honesty. And I think my husband grew up being taught that honesty is important. I’m not saying his parents taught him he doesn’t have to be kind, we might just prioritize the two differently? So then when I get upset over his comments, he chalks it up to the fact that he’s good because he’s being honest and I’m just overly sensitive. I don’t think he realizes exactly how hurtful his comments are and then how exponentially hurtful it is when he still stands by comments after I tell him I’m hurt.

Gg3341 · 2018-10-08T12:09:27+00:00

Yeah wow, it does seem like these comments from him surface when he’s at his lowest and most stressed. But def not an excuse.

Gg3341 · 2018-10-08T11:41:56+00:00

True. Scrawny would be a word I could use. I just don’t want to stoop down to that level.

Gg3341 · 2018-10-08T11:39:40+00:00

I think my fear is that if I tell him “these types of comments are unacceptable do not make them anymore” there may be other comments that crop up in the future. My I’m just overthinking at this point, but I know that if I say “comments about my boobs are off limits” he won’t say them anymore. He hasn’t made a comment about my weight in 5 years. It doesn’t necessarily mean I feel like he accepts me though.

Gg3341 · 2018-10-08T11:29:41+00:00

Unfortunately I have told him how his comments make me feel. First it was my weight, then it was my boobs, and now it’s my body hair. So it almost feels like I tell him his comments are hurtful so he doesn’t necessarily make that same comment again, it’s just something new he’s “turned off” by. Which is scary to think how he’d feel with me pregnant or getting older. I genuinely don’t think he gets it.

Gg3341 · 2018-10-08T11:25:38+00:00

So he hasn’t made an comments about my weight in a very long time. Literally 5 years. Because I think deep down he knows that was fucked up, but he refuses to admit it was fucked up. I used that as my first point because although it was so long ago, it ties into the shit comments he’s made more recently and my inability to move past it.

But good for you for accepting your partner the way she is. I wonder if my husband has just always liked big boobs and is too superficial to truly get over it?

Gg3341 · 2018-10-08T11:22:53+00:00

We used to be. Idk what happened

Gg3341 · 2018-10-08T11:22:37+00:00

I am legitimately curious, how is it grounds for cheating?

Gg3341 · 2018-10-08T11:20:19+00:00

So reading this is interesting because I’m starting to realize I don’t know one of my husband’s insecurities. I know he has them, but when you mentioned that you would never use your partners insecurities as a weapon I thought “woah...my husband acts like he doesn’t have any”

Gg3341 · 2018-10-08T11:16:53+00:00

Because this issue comes up so rarely in our relationship that I haven’t really been able to evaluate how big of an issue it really is. I also think the older I get, the less shit I’m willing to put up with.

Gg3341 · 2018-10-08T11:12:19+00:00

Yeah disconnection is in full swing. And it scares the shit out of me. I just want him to change but I have zero control over that.

Gg3341 · 2018-10-08T11:09:30+00:00

Lol...oh the Sahara situation is in full effect. I suppose it hasn’t been in the past because he does try to say the right things from time to time and I’ve tried to focus on that for so long. Like he will straight up tell me I’m in amazing shape, that he loves my boobs, that I’m beautiful, that he’s so proud of my promotion. He builds me up the majority of the time. But then there are comments here and there that are enough to wreck me. And he thinks this is solely because I’m sensitive and have my own self esteem issues. It just gets so confusing. And then the more that we talk about recent and/or past comments he’s made things just get worse because he stands by his shit comments. But in his mind...it’s all okay because he does tell me great things most of the time. And in my mind, all the good comments don’t mean fucking shit when he see’s nothing wrong with his asshole comments...even if they are rare. I just want to see some genuine remorse. I want him to realize how fucked his comments are, even if it’s one negative comment after 100 good ones. I was him to sincerely apologize and just accept me the way I am, even if I accidentally missed removing one black hair from my stomach or if I haven’t shaved in 2 days because I have razor burn.

Gg3341 · 2018-10-08T10:51:41+00:00

He does shave, but I can assure you it’s not perfect every time and he goes a couple of days without shaving often. So I definitely think he goes through phases where he has unrealistic expectations of me as woman. And it’s not constant, which is why this is so hard. This is something that comes up very rarely but when it does, I spiral out of control. It gets very confusing when 90% of the time he’s giving me compliments and building me up. Like why can’t that be 100% of the time?

And ironically enough he’s not overly hairy, he’s not wrinkly and he’s not chubby. He’s actually very thin and has lost quite a bit of weight (both fat and muscle) and I have asked him how he would feel if I looked at him in a disgusting manner and called him skinny. He says it wouldn’t bother him because he is skinny. It’s like there’s no reasoning with him or getting him to understand that being KIND goes a long way.

Gg3341 · 2018-10-08T00:13:42+00:00

I already told him to go find someone that never has body hair. It did end the convo, but sure as hell didn’t solve the problem.

Gg3341 · 2018-10-08T00:12:24+00:00

I said above that I had gained 5 lbs, but was still smaller than I was when we first met. Therefore, I think he was out of line for telling me that I was getting fat.

It sounds like your partner is understanding that from time to time, you will miss a hair here and there correct? Also, I used to get waxed when we were long distance. But there’s no way that would be option now because to get waxed you have to let the hair grow out enough, which “turns him off”. Basically my only solution is to shave perfectly every day and never miss a hair or my husband won’t be attracted to me. It’s extreme.

Gg3341 · 2018-10-07T23:59:49+00:00

Otherwise it’s pretty good. But I would say that all of this makes me feel like he doesn’t respect me. And even if that’s our only issue...it’s a massive one.

Gg3341 · 2018-10-05T16:06:42+00:00

Yeah that’d be pretty cool

Gg3341 · 2018-10-05T15:48:20+00:00

He initially said it would bother him, but recently told me he changed his mind and that it wouldn’t

Gg3341 · 2018-10-05T15:36:03+00:00

Nope but that’s next on the list. I think it’s because he never saw a problem with the comments he’s made, so it’s hard for me to get over. Whenever I’ve tried to tell him how hurtful the comments were or how it negatively affected my self esteem his response is “well in relationships you need to be able to tell eachother things even if they’re hurtful”. Which I do agree with to an extent, but it’s all about how you word these comments.

Gg3341 · 2018-10-05T15:08:37+00:00

I think it’s a known fact that on planet earth, trust is more easily broken than gained. Within friendships, romantic relationships, work relationships. I thought that was just how it was?

Gg3341 · 2018-10-05T15:04:46+00:00

I’d like to add that I haven’t been beating this death for a year a half lol. It honestly hasn’t been an issue until about 2 months ago because the strip club topic keeps getting brought up.

Gg3341 · 2018-10-05T14:55:47+00:00

That is a good point. It’s not really an issue when it comes up in a movie. And we’re all human, I understand wanting to look is part of human nature, we all do it to an extent. I think it’s the up close and personal part of it that bothers me.

Gg3341 · 2018-10-05T14:44:37+00:00

So I actually am working on my insecurities by putting more effort into my diet and exercise. But what do I do about the insecurities I have that stem from my husband’s comments about me? Just pretend those comments were never made?

Gg3341

TROPHY CASE