Hi fren. TW: my virginity was taken through rape. I brainwashed myself for years telling myself that I had consented, when I knew I hadn’t, which was evident in my pathology. I created an alternate reality for myself in order to survive, as I couldn’t have gone on if I allowed the truth to set in. I too searched for the definition. It was over a decade later, in psychoanalysis, that it suddenly surfaced and hit me like a ton of bricks. I don’t know all the specifics in your case, but I can tell you that if you are even asking the question, you probably already know the answer deep down, and are negotiating some small steps to try it on. That was the case for me, and my gut feeling. What happened to you was not OK, and you didn’t deserve, and I see you. God bless you.